Fate Leads the Willing
by u2shay
Summary: An intolerable choice between his coven & his mate. A millenniums old conspiracy. An unremembered past comes back to haunt one Cullen as Edward flees with his all too human mate. What if everything you knew about your existence was wrong? AU/Canon Pairing
1. Stubborn

**Fate Leads the Willing

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**Synopsis: **An intolerable choice between his coven and his mate. A millenniums old conspiracy. An unremembered past comes back to haunt one Cullen as Edward and Bella flee in order to protect her endangered humanity. Fate is sometimes the path you never expected to take and things are always more than they seem. A story about lies, manipulation, blind sacrifices & a world where everything you thought you knew is wrong. AU. Extended, altered, and expanded _Twilight _mythology. Some characters may be OOC. Canon Pairings.

**Specifics:** A deep and sometimes painful look into the inner workings of Edward's mind, his struggles, his falsehoods, and his heart. No love triangles. Though this story is something of a quasi-canon "could-have-been," these aren't your average Cullens or typical _Twilight _characterizations, for that matter - some are darker, some are weaker, some are stronger, and some have completely rewritten backgrounds and motivations (especially the peripheral characters). There is a short _New Moon_-esque separation - only a couple of chapters. The fic is heavy on the angst in the beginning, but it is a mystery/romance mostly. The story will focus on the slowly unraveling mystery and the building of a meaningful and healthy relationship between Edward and Bella. Expect twists and turns in the plot. Will have an HEA.

This story is rated M for sexuality, in thought and deed. I will provide edited-for-content chapters for my under-18 readers and anyone else who wants them. Just ask. Also, I will post warnings for any content I feel may be objectionable. As it always is with my stories, this is a romance, not erotica or hardcore porn. While there will be lemons, even graphic lemons, they won't overwhelm the story. If you are looking for wall to wall smut, I'm sorry, but you won't find that here. :)

**Premise:** Most of my stories are based upon "what if" scenarios or dreams. This one was a "what if" scenario. Personally, I don't think I've ever read a story in which Edward had a "good" reason for wanting Bella to say human. I thought to myself, "What if he did?" The title is based on a quote by Seneca: _"Fate leads the willing and drags along the unwilling."_

**Acknowledgments:** Many thanks to **InfinityPoet** who graciously allowed me to filch/steal/incorporate/borrow a plot element from one of her stories and expand upon it, and more thanks for helping me hammer out this plot.

**Rating:** M

**Pairing:** Edward/Bella

**Perspective:** 1st person. Book One - Edward's POV/ Book Two - Bella's POV (Book Two will not be a rehash of Book One)

**Beta: **Katmom

**Pre-Readers:** Kejce, Bells. Just Bells, Belli486

**Story Disclaimer:** The Twilight Saga belongs to Stephenie Meyer and respective parties. This is fan fiction. It is written for fun, not profit. No copyright infringement or offense to the creator of Twilight is intended. All song lyrics belong to their respective owners - songwriters, bands, record labels, etc. No infringement is intended.

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**Part One-**_Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter One - Stubborn**_  
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_Enemy, familiar friend_

_My beginning and my end_

_Knowing truth, whispering lies_

_and it hurts again_

_..._

_What I fear and what I try_

_ The words I say and what I hide_

_All the pain, I want it to end_

_but I want it again..._

**_~Fight Inside_ by Red~  
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**September 11, 2005, 10:07 PM**

**Forks, Washington**

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Emmett was going to die.

I was going to burn him myself and scatter the ashes.

My brother, the ever-helpful bastard, had decided to prominently display a copy of _Sex for Dummies_ on my black leather couch. The bright yellow cover of the offensive manual stood out like flashing beacon in the middle of my room.

Bella had lifted a single brow in amused inquiry while I just spat the one word that would explain it all, "Emmett."

Last week it had been a fully detailed and illustrated version of the Kama Sutra, and the week before it had been an instructional DVD on "how to give your woman the best orgasm of her life," according to the tagline. Thankfully, Bella had not seen either.

She had grinned and walked over to the couch, picking up the book. She flipped through it nonchalantly, giving me that quirky little mischievous grin that had been gracing her lips more and more frequently as of late. Suddenly, she gasped and pulled the book closer. Then she moved it further away, blushed, and then pulled it closer again. A queer expression crossed her features before she mumbled a low "whoa" and snapped the book shut.

I had asked her if she had seen anything interesting, but she wouldn't tell me, not that I was surprised. Sometimes I hated that I couldn't read her mind, and other times—like when she was withholding her thoughts on that book—I loathed that fact. Of course, my "beloved" siblings, with the exception of Jasper who usually disappeared when Bella was over, had been downstairs laughing their ice-cold, undead asses off, knowing all about Emmett's crusade to help rid me of my "virginity problem."

Bella had been blushing scarlet when I approached her. Not that it mattered how much I had cajoled her, she wouldn't tell me what had embarrassed her so. But occasionally, I would catch her biting her lip while her eyes roved over me in the most peculiar of ways.

I had reluctantly dropped Bella off at home a few minutes earlier and had arrived back home to change for school tomorrow before returning to her house as was my habit. I frowned, hating that my weekend with Bella had come to an end. She was the only bright spot that existed in the drudgery that was my twenty-sixth Senior year. At least college was on the horizon. Now all I had to do was convince Bella that she was indeed Dartmouth material. Since the endowment for the Masen wing of the proposed Cancer Research Center had been received, the regency board certainly thought that she was worthy of entrance.

I knew that she was going to fight me on it, but I had purchased a home that would be agreeable to Bella's sensibilities—I hoped. It was a _modest_ Tudor inspired home with five bedrooms and three baths that was surrounded by a hundred acres of forest and backing more. In a word, it was perfect. Beautiful, secluded, and best of all, separate from my family.

Alice opened the door just as I reached for it with a dazzling smile. She was singing some obnoxious Hannah Montana song and without pause launched right into a Jonas Brothers' hit. I groaned. I knew she was hiding something, but I couldn't bear to breach the barrier of poppish, fan-girling, pseudo-musical suicide that was floating around her head to find out what she was keeping from me. Most likely, it would be something I didn't want to see-like another vision of Bella as a perfect, bloodsucking, undead immortal. I resigned myself to rushing through my preparations before I was inundated with an impromptu concert of NSync's greatest hits.

Carlisle stepped out of his office and motioned for me to follow him. I groaned internally and sent Alice a dirty, resentful look. Ali was supposed to have my back when it came to these "talks" with Carlisle. She shrugged, but at least the montage of kid-bop had ceased.

"_Edward, I'm sorry, but you aren't going to get out of this one. It'll just be worse if you avoid. Might as well hear him out,"_ she thought.

I made a disgruntled sound and approached the office, clenching my fists to hide the slight tremor in my fingers. It had been getting worse lately, especially when I was parted from Bella for too long.

I could tell from the tenor of Carlisle's thoughts that he wanted to talk to me about the diametrically opposed positions of Bella's existence and mine. It was his favorite topic of late, and it was his intention to try to convince me to change her—again.

Carlisle thought that I should change Bella as soon as it could be arranged; and the worse my condition became . . . the more adamant he became. In fact, I was almost positive that a contingency plan was already in place. It bothered me immensely that my father, _the humanitarian_, had no compunction, no pause at the thought of taking away Bella's humanity, her life. I knew that I was being unfair, he had also loved a mortal, but I carried no small amount of resentment because of his callous valuation of her existence, her soul. His primary concern would always be me and not her, and that was completely unacceptable.

That, along with his refusal to ever taste human blood again, was why he had refused to draw James' venom from Bella's veins in Phoenix, forcing me to imperil her existence by doing it myself. And it had been so close, lost as I was in the bliss of her blood. Seeing Bella broken like that, verging on the edge of death from my actions, my failure . . . it was enough to destroy the heinous monster that lusted after her blood forever - I hoped.

We had argued about this fiercely and often. He warned me of what would happen if I let her continue in this state of constantly shifting, temporal humanity. I knew the risks. I had seen them first hand in the convening years between his separation and reunion with Esme, my mother for all intents and purposes. The tremors, the fractured mind that had forced him to work in the morgue, the fear, the desperation, the loneliness that had resulted in my transformation, and finally the rage. . . . I had witnessed it in his mind and his actions, and now, I was experiencing it for myself.

If the first cardinal rule of vampirism was to keep our existence a secret, the second was to never fall in love with a human. And the logical reasoning for the first rule also ruled the second.

My vampiric nature was at odds with the humanity of my mate. From the first moment I had seen Bella in that cafeteria, I had ceased to be whole. I was broken and remade in that instant. My center had shifted to her. Bella would say that she was mine—and she was—but more than anything, I was hers, completely and irrevocably hers.

I had told her many times that she was my sun, lighting my universe and providing a reason for existence in the endless midnight of my life, but it was more than that. I revolved around her. The innate sense of her needs dictated my every action now. The connection between us was invisible yet strong, binding us and residing on a level that transcended the physical. And though I could not read her mind, on some primal and visceral level I could _hear_ her. It wasn't just Bella's blood that sang to me. Her soul did as well, telling me her desires, her needs.

But this wasn't what had Carlisle so worried; he suspected that the near constant tremors I was suffering were rooted inseparably in the shifting nature of Bella's mortality. He had experienced it firsthand. Being with Bella had put me in a unique situation. While having her in my life lent me a certain level of emotional stability that was absent in Carlisle during his separation from Esme, the inherently fluctuating nature of Bella's humanity had thrust me into emotional chaos on a different level. As Carlisle would say, I had become the most fluid vampire in existence—and that was the problem because my nature was the very antithesis of fluid.

Because of my transformation into a vampire, I had evolved to be unmoving, unchanging, but Bella . . . her very nature was perpetually shifting. Humanity was a constant flow of change, growth, and evolution; therefore, I was torn between the two natures, beholden by our connection to revolve around her and adapt to her needs. If she were a vampire, this would not be a problem as my mate's stability would become my own—as it should be. The change would be instantaneous and permanent, as my nature demands, but with Bella . . . the constant flux was chipping away at the immutability of my vampiric nature.

If it were possible, I would become human for her. But it wasn't possible, and now that the shifting gravity that was her life had become my foundation, thereby robbing me of the invariable base that was vital to my existence. In other words, what was only meant to crack was being forced to bend. Feelings so foreign, so outside of the scope of my nature have inundated the depths of my being, and I had no point of reference, no instinct for how to cope.

To put it quite simply, as Rosalie had so often accused me, I was in the slow, drawn out process of losing my mind. And there was one cure—one I would never consider. I knew that I could not hold myself together indefinitely, but I could outlast Bella's human life because in the scheme of eternity fifty to sixty years wasn't that long, a mere blink of the eye relatively. After that . . . it really didn't matter what happened to me.

I had discovered that the key to holding it together was simple. Focus. I desperately needed a constant and had found it in one thing: protecting Bella. Her safety was my compass. When everything else was in dizzying motion around me, I could focus on that. Her need for protection never changed, never shifted, and I found my stability in that need—satisfying not only my vampiric nature, but the vital quest to fulfill her needs. Whether Bella was a human or a vampire that imperative would always be paramount.

Unfortunately, we had hit a snag. Though I was programmed at the deepest parts of my being to give Bella anything and everything she could possibly need, she now had a desire that was endangering not only her life, but the only thread of constancy that existed in my immortal night.

On one hand, I couldn't fulfill her desires, but on the other . . . how could I not?"

"Edward? Son?" Carlisle questioned.

I glanced up, not even realizing that I had been standing in the doorway of his office for who knows how long staring at my feet, lost in my thoughts. Alas, another symptom.

Carlisle sighed and motioned me to a tan leather chair that was situated in front of his desk. He took the opposite chair, sitting quietly for a moment, contemplating and collecting his thoughts.

"Son, you can't continue like this."

I smiled ruefully, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I don't have a choice," I replied.

"Edward . . . son, please . . ."

I shook my head, preempting his argument. "I can't do that to her. I won't."

"It's destroying you. Edward, this is unnatural."

I hissed and sat up, glaring at him. "And what solution would you offer? I won't steal her life away from her! I won't be that selfish!" No matter how much I wanted it and, God help me, I did. . . .

"Edward," he tried again.

I held out a hand to stop the inevitable tirade I could see building in his thoughts, not bothering to hide the constant trembling.

Carlisle's gaze narrowed in on the quivering. He frowned deeply, approached me, and took my hand in his, examining my fingers and tracing the tremors up my arm.

"They're getting worse."

"I'm fine," I snapped.

He sighed and shook his head before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Edward, you have to see what this is doing to you."

I laughed, and I have to admit that it sounded somewhat hysterical. "I know, Carlisle, believe me, I know!"

"You are fighting an impossible battle, Edward."

The lines of my face fixed stubbornly. "That's what you said about the bloodlust too. I conquered that and will conquer this as well."

His lips twisted wryly, and I didn't need to be a mind reader to know that he didn't believe me in the slightest. "Son, the connection between mates makes the bloodlust a cakewalk. In fact, I believe that connection is the only reason why Bella is still alive. Edward, we are already denying so much of our natures as it is; the added stress . . . makes you vulnerable."

His mind turned to the defenseless and insignificant populace around us and his worry that I might kill inadvertently kill someone. I felt like growling. _So what if I did? Better them than Bella . . ._

"So you would have me murder her just to avoid the stress?" I hissed.

Carlisle sighed again. I knew that it wouldn't be the last time during the course of this conversation. I did not seek to intentionally frustrate my father, but I couldn't agree. I couldn't do what he was asking of me.

"Edward, you know that's not what I meant."

I did. Growling, I raked my hands roughly though my hair.

"Son, I know that you feel it, but do you understand the connection? Do you really understand it? I know you've seen it, but I don't think that you properly comprehend just what it means. And for you to have forged this connection with a human girl . . ."

"What would you have me do, Carlisle? It's not like I can take it back. She's my mate!"

"I just think that if you understood, you would see how vital it is to your existence . . ."

I jumped up and paced the room alternately growling and hissing. "I do! You think I don't know?"

Carlisle slowly stood, watching me warily. "Then, Edward, why—"

"I won't do it, Carlisle! For the last time, I will not change her!" I roared.

"Then you will continue to be ripped apart in this constant flux she has you held in!" he snapped in return. "We orbit our mates, Edward. They are our gravity."

"I know!"

"Our entire existence is tangled up in them."

"I know!"

"They are our stability, our constant, but Bella—"

"Damn it, Carlisle, I know!"

Carlisle approached me cautiously, knowing that I was working myself into a fine rage.

"Son, Bella deserves the opportunity to know you fully, to be an equal partner in this relationship."

I shook my head vehemently. "She will never know this side of me." That was completely and utterly out of the question.

"Edward, if you would tell her, share with her what you loving her entails . . ."

"She would what? Sacrifice herself for me? Undoubtedly, that is why—"

"Son, in a relationship, a human relationship, couples sacrifice on one another's behalves. Bella deserves the opportunity to give you what you need."

"At the expense of her soul? No. No, Carlisle. Any sacrifices that need to be made will be made by me alone. I won't ask that of her. I won't put her in that position. I'm fine," I said, unsure of who I was trying to convince, Carlisle or myself.

The left corner of his mouth lifted ruefully. "No, son, you aren't."

I turned away unable to look my father in the eye. He had to understand that I would do anything, give anything. There was no sacrifice too great for me to make on Bella's behalf, but the thought of her doing that for me . . . everything in me rebelled at the very thought.

"Edward, I know that it is our nature to make all the sacrifices on behalf of our mates but, son, you . . . _need this from her_ . . ." he finished silently.

"She gives me everything by just . . . breathing," I replied.

"I know that she does, but she could give you more. You need to give her the chance to understand you—not only as a man, but as a vampire as well."

"No," I replied, "Never." Bella would never know this side of me. I wouldn't allow it. I didn't want the pureness of her life tainted any further by the evil that prevailed in mine. I would do anything to prevent that. Loving me should never hold Bella back. It was the last thing I wanted.

He sighed again. "Son, our mates . . . they are our stable foundation in this life. They keep us grounded and you know that we need that constancy. Our world is very black and white, but humans . . . Edward, their world is bright and colorful and ever shifting. By keeping Bella human, you are beholden to her every whim and her oft changing emotions. The differences between you—between her nature and yours . . ." he paused and shook his head sadly. "You are caught in the whirlwind of her humanity, drowning in the tidal wave of her inconstancy. You cannot continue like this, Edward. It's destroying you. As a vampire, Bella would . . ."

"No!"

"Edward, be reasonable!"

"I am," I replied quietly.

Carlisle approached me and rested a hand on my shoulder. I wanted to shrug him off, but I resisted the urge. "Edward, please."

I closed my eyes. If only he knew how much I wished that I could do what he was asking me. "It's selfish, Carlisle."

He nodded. "Yes, it is."

"I can't ask her to make that sacrifice for me."

"You must."

"No."

"Edward, listen to me, you must."

I shook my head sadly.

"If Bella knew—"

I gritted my teeth, turning my face away stubbornly.

Carlisle frowned and clenched his fists. I could hear the creak of the friction his stone fingers created against his palms. But he didn't say anything.

"I'm fine, Carlisle. I'm handling it."

"And when she needs more?" he questioned.

I groaned quietly. She already did. I could feel it, the tug inside, the not so subtle changes in my unchanging body as it responded to the silent demand of hers. My mind was consumed with the overwhelming urge to claim her as my mate bodily. I could smell the changes in her chemistry and feel it in her reactions, her needs. God help me when she became more aware of it. It was the death knell of the last bit of sanity I had in place.

On some level, I believed that my care for her safety would win out, but . . . I knew the weakness, the need was there constantly chipping away at my resolve.

I swallowed hard before answering my father. "If she . . ." I swallowed again. "If she outgrows me, outgrows what is possible for us . . . I'll—I'll . . ."

"Let her go? Let her be with someone else?"

I nodded, unable to voice it, much less contemplate it seriously.

Carlisle's lips twisted wryly. "No. You won't."

I glanced up at my father; his serious golden gaze was steadily holding mine. I started to object, started to point out that he had done it, but then I remembered the consequences of his actions. I could tell that he was thinking about the same thing.

"_You won't, Edward. One day, and most likely one day soon, she will ask and you will give her what she desires. You won't be able to resist her."_

"You resisted."

His face was humorless._ "I loved Esme with every ounce of my being, yes. But she didn't know me. I haunted her life, always on the peripheral, but Bella is in your life daily. When she asks—and it is when—you won't stand a chance."_

"You're wrong."

He was still gazing at me unblinkingly. "Do you really want to take that risk? With her as a human?"

I closed my eyes, biting back a growl at the pictures his suppositions had inspired. Bella broken and lifeless in my arms . . . Bella bitten and changing . . . Bella flushed with pleasure, naked and sated . . .

I resisted the temptation of that last image. That would never happen. It was as impossible as her change, but Jasper had assured me that it was possible, that we could be together that way. He had told me how. . . .

I shook my head. No. No, that wouldn't happen. It couldn't.

"_No?" _Carlisle thought,_ "then you know what you have to do. It's the most reasonable choice."_

"No, I won't risk her that way, but I won't change her either."

Carlisle stared at me incredulously. "Edward . . ."

His thoughts were centered on the rapacious sexual needs of a vampire when with their mate. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. I couldn't let my mind go in that direction. Already my desire was held under a tenuous and straining leash. It would take so little to cause it to snap.

Each day with Bella, I became weaker. Each touch of her hand on my skin undermined my carefully erected limits. Each time I smelled the slightest hint of her arousal, my body responded forcefully, and I had to struggle to maintain reason. I was slipping, failing Bella. Failing in my desperate need to keep her safe from all harm.

"Carlisle, please, I know. I know that you think I'm being unreasonable, but I—I—"

He sighed, his thoughts resigned and focused on my inevitable failure. "I will leave it alone for now, son, but you will learn just as I did that there is only one outcome when you fight fate."

"And what's that?"

He turned his face away from mine, his thoughts full of Esme. "You lose," he answered solemnly.

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**Chapter One Key Points:**

* Edward is suffering some pretty heinous symptoms - shakes, time loss, separation anxiety, pain, borderline insanity, etc. Carlisle believes this is because he is mated to a human and dependent upon her shifting nature for stability. Edward is hiding these symptoms from Bella.

* Carlisle experienced similar symptoms after meeting Esme.

* Carlisle's loneliness and insanity led to Edward's change. Carlisle worked in the morgue at Clark County Hospital. He was the coroner during the Spanish Influenza epidemic because he was no longer able to function well enough without Esme to practice medicine.

* Carlisle is insisting that Bella be changed because he believe that Edward will continue to degenerate as time goes by.

* Carlisle refused to draw the venom from Bella's veins in Phoenix because he wanted her to be a vampire.

* Edward absolutely refuses to change Bella.

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**A/N: **The Key Points are just reminders of important subplots, clarifications on deviations from canon, and things that will come back up at a later time in the story as the mystery is revealed.

Many thanks to Katmom for beta'ing!

And thank you for giving the story a chance. If you feel so inclined, I would love it if you left a review! :)

~Shay


	2. Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde

**Fate Leads the Willing

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**Part One -** _Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter Two** **- Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde**_  
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_I have a problem that I cannot explain_

_I have no reason why it should've been so plain_

_I have no questions but sure have excuse_

_I lack the reason why I should be so confused_

_I know, how I feel when I'm around you_

_I, don't know, how I feel when I'm around you..._

**_Roulette_ by System of a Down**

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**September 12, 2005**

**Early A.M.**

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I slipped in through the window with a muted thud. Bella was curled up on her side, her face snuggled into the pillow and her clasped hands buried beneath it.

I stood beside the window for timeless moments just staring at my love, letting her presence and the strength of my emotional response wash over me. A wave of calm seemed to exude from her and sink into the very core of my being. Without meaning to, I sighed and my eyes fell briefly closed. The stress of missing her melted away; the relief was momentary and quickly followed by torments of a different kind.

Drawn by the invisible cord that existed between us, I approached her silently and sat down on the bed. I inhaled her essence deeply and absently rubbed the skin over my frozen heart. Warmth seemed to radiate from the vicinity of the useless organ every time I was in her presence. Even without the warning thump of her heartbeat, I would know that she was near simply by that feeling—that fire that burned in me when she was within my orbit. It was like a portion of her humanity, her life, had become a tangible part of me, and I often wondered if it would be the same if she were changed. I banished the thought quickly.

My fingers trembled slightly as I stroked them down her cheek and ran a cool hand over her tangled hair, brushing it back from her face. It was soft as silk beneath my fingertips. I caught my breath at the shimmering and electric feel that crawled through my fingers at that first touch. It had always been like that—even from the first moment in that shoddy little biology classroom. Even then I knew.

I had never had a chance when it came to Bella. From that first day, my fate was sealed. So often I had railed against the heavens. It seemed to me that life had become an unending and darkly humorous cosmic joke. I had everything I could ever possibly want, but I dared not to embrace it. There was no greater agonizing or tormenting experience than having a love that could never be fully requited in return, for I knew that the fragile cup of her humanity could never contain that which I wanted to give her. After all this time, all this waiting, she came into my life—perfect and loving and so very, very fleeting. She was a constant reminder of who I could never be and what I could never truly have.

What cruel irony it was that to fully embrace her I would have to change her—when the very nature of change was an anathema, was abhorrent to the core of my existence and contrary to everything that I was. I bit back a humorless laugh.

Loving her was the most delicious of afflictions. There was nothing that could compare to the pain—not the scent of her blood or the sweet torment of her flesh, and not the fire of the transformation. No, each whisper of "I love you" that passed her lips was a dagger in my chest; each touch of her skin on mine was like the searing crack of a whip, lacerating my soul. Every time she promised me forever, it was like the mocking laughter of the heavens reverberating in my ears, a taunting reminder of what I could never allow to be. No matter how much I longed for it, fantasized about it.

My Bella was a cruel and torturous mistress, unintentional and innocent in her many torments—her scent, her blood, her closed mind, her ripe flesh . . .so innocent, so pure, so willingly offered . . .

The slightest brush of my fingers against her skin was like electric silk, sinking through my marble flesh and lighting my veins with the fire and vigor that had been denied me for nigh a century. How often had I purposely drawn her every exhale into my body, holding the quickly dissipating warmth deep within my useless lungs? Countless times. How many times had I selfishly stolen the heat of her lips? Innumerable as the stars in the heavens.

Isabella was pain and pleasure. My Heaven and my Purgatory. So many times I had tried to leave her, had tried to do what I knew was the right thing. Obliviously she would wish me a good hunting trip, not knowing that I meant to run and never return.

So many times I had tried and had failed. So many times I had failed her.

Fear was my constant companion—fear that she would see who I truly was and turn from me and fear that she would continue in this blind ignorance and would stay. With each minute, each second that passed, I fractured further, splintering into a multitude of shards, just as sharp and piercing as shattered glass. In a handful of seconds, I had decided to leave and then stay, to keep her human and then to turn her. Indecision and inconstancy continually ripped at the fabric of my sanity.

I turned away from the window that I was staring blindly through and gazed upon my Bella again. Her lips were parted slightly and each gentle exhalation of breath rippled across the fabric of the pillowcase. Her brow furrowed, the smallest of creases, as if in commiseration with my tumultuous thoughts. She shifted restlessly, murmuring my name with a hint of a smile on her lips.

I lay beside her and sighed softly as she snuggled into my body, determining to leave my pensive contemplations to another day and just pretend, as I often did. A shudder ran down my spine as she slipped her arms around me and the tension that I didn't even know held me in its sway slowly leaked from my inmost being.

Rest was an enigma—I had long forgotten what it was like to feel the release of sleep—but still I closed my eyes and pulled her closer, resting my head against her hair. With each minute that passed, I relaxed more and more, basking in the torment of her scent, her heartbeat, her steady breathing. Her moist breath washed across my neck, warming me and breathing life into my lifeless existence.

It was like her soul wrapped around me in times like this. It was so easy to pretend that Charlie wasn't in the next room, to pretend that we were completely alone. It was a game that I played every night. I lay here with Bella and pretended to be human; I pretended to sleep. I imagined what it would be like to be a man, to be able to love her and hold her as she deserved.

Thus, I wiled away the night, wrapping myself in fantasies of who I wanted to be and eschewing the reality of this monstrous façade of mankind that I was trapped in for all of eternity. I would breathe when she exhaled, stealing her breath. I held her close so that her heartbeat reverberated through my chest. I held her wrist against my neck so that I could pretend that the steady thrumming of her pulse was my own. Like I did every night, I covetously reveled in her humanity all the while conversely hating each mortal moment that divided us.

Eventually, the first rays of dawn glowed faintly behind my eyelids and danced across my eyes. Seconds later, the door downstairs opened and closed. Charlie was leaving early for work.

I held Bella as the sun rose higher and higher into the sky. The heat of its rays washed across my skin, and I savored its warmth. It reminded me of Bella—bright and warm, alive with light and goodness. Reaching out, I shut off Bella's alarm before it could sound.

Thirty-seven minutes later, she moaned my name. I glanced down and smiled as I saw her lashes flutter. The rhythm of her breathing altered, quickened. One thin arm stretched above her head and she groaned softly, the sound rumbling from the back of her throat.

In some far corner of my vast mind, I mentally prepared myself for a new day with Bella, feeling both thankful and agonized by what I knew was coming. My mask slipped into place. My pensive brow smoothed and my troubled gaze lightened. The lines of worry and stress slipped away and my stiff lips quirked into a carefree and welcoming smile. Reaching deep, I fortified my control and buried my overwhelming emotions; scaling them back to what I hoped was a semblance of mortal levels, lest Bella know the full extent of my passion for her.

I would convincingly play the perfect boyfriend and my Bella would never know of my suffering, of my wavering. Never would I allow more of the sadness that was my constant to touch her life. Bella would have the joy and I would embrace the pain. Bella would be happy and I would hide the torment. She would see the outward smiles, and I would bury the lie deep inside. Today, like the day before, would be normal . . . as human as I could manage . . . as it should be.

Her eyes opened slightly and she blinked slowly. Once. Twice. A third time. She stretched again, with both arms this time.

She shifted onto her side and murmured, "Mmm, mornin'."

I scooted down from my resting spot against her headboard and lay parallel to her body. My head was propped up on my elbow and I used my free hand to smooth the rumpled hair from her face. "Good morning, love."

I leaned in and brushed a soft kiss against her jaw and down her throat, letting my lips trace the line of her pulse, inundating her with my scent, my essence, as was my morning ritual. The heat of her skin burned my lips, but I welcomed the fire, willing to let it consume me.

My lips traced over her jaw and down the line of her pulse, the vampire in me demanding not that I take her and destroy her life, but that I mark her as mine, inundating her with my scent, my essence as a warning to any male that she belonged to me. I followed the touch of my skin on hers with the cool blast of my breath, letting my scent flow across her flesh and into her hair. At times, I felt guilty for letting this side of me take over and take advantage of her passion but the other side of me, the protector, demanded that I give her this part of myself.

Normally, another creature would not dare to trespass against a human, or vampire for that matter, that was marked in such a manner. It was a sign of ownership, of domination. But Bella, being the danger magnet that she was, of course drew the attention of the only bored and mentally unstable vampire in a five hundred mile radius of Washington State . . .

She moaned softly and tilted her chin. The trust she placed in me amazed me, terrified me. It would be so easy to take her, drink her, change her. . . . And the thought of drinking her was now always held in tandem with the co-desire to change her. Anything else was not an option. I fought back the desire to strip her of her fragile humanity. I always had to be on guard. One careless movement, one moment of weakness, and Bella's life could be forever destroyed.

I quickly brought my lips up to meet hers, ignoring her protest. Purposely, I let my breath wash over her, hoping to distract her as I let the pleasure of her lips distract me from my precarious desire to forever alter my mate.

"Edward," she mumbled.

My lips caressed hers persuasively, and I grinned as I heard her heart accelerate. The only recompense I had in the midst of the torment that was Bella were her reactions to me, and I took great delight in causing those reactions—often.

"Hmmm . . . lovely," I whispered against her lips. And she was. I would gladly drown in her for days, her scent, her taste, her body, her blood . . .

"Edward," she mumbled again, trying to pull away. "Morning brea—"

I cut her off with another unbearably chaste kiss. Of all the ridiculous things to worry about! You'd think she'd pull away because she was being seduced by an undead, bloodsucking creature of the night who, up until very recently, wanted to snap her neck and devour her blood . . . but no . . .

Knowing that Bella was feeling apprehensive about her non-existent halitosis, I pulled away. "My kingdom for a tube of Crest," I muttered in an exasperated manner, flopping onto my back and throwing my arm over my eyes.

"What was that?"

"Nothing," I replied, still not looking at her.

She sighed. "What time is it?"

"7:30."

Bella bolted upright. "7:30?" she yelled. "Why didn't you . . .? We're going to be late!"

"Bella," I began.

"Get up. What are you doing still lying there?"

"Bella."

"Oh, God, I need a shower." She leaned in to look at herself in the mirror that hung over her desk and groaned, pushing her hair out of her face.

"Bella."

"Will you grab me something to wear out of the closet? I've got to jump in the shower."

"Bella, look out the window."

"What am I going to do with this hair?" she asked, pulling it back into the semblance of a ponytail.

"Love—"

"Why are you still lying there?" she asked, glaring at me.

I stood and approached her at a human rate, taking her face in my hands and turning it toward the window.

Her brow wrinkled and she frowned. The sun was shining brightly. "Oh," she said frowning, disappointment clear in her warm brown eyes. "I guess I'm going by myself then . . ."

I shrugged and leaned in to kiss her neck again. "That . . . or you could skip . . ."

She smirked, her eyes lighting up mischievously. "But what about all those, you know, _human experiences_ you don't want me to miss?"

I grinned a bit and raised an eyebrow, amused by her teasing. "Oh, I don't think one of Mr. Berty's 'riveting' lectures on _Romeo and Juliet_ could be construed as life altering. It would be much more detrimental to your existence to miss out on a picnic—with say, _me_—in the meadow . . ."

"Well . . . when you put it like that . . ."

I leaned in slowly and kissed her again. She protested and pushed at my chest feebly, but I just pulled her closer, holding her in my unbreakable hold.

"Edward . . . dragon breath—"

I laughed and dropped a kiss on her pert little turned up nose. "Hmmm . . . you, have dragon breath? Never. But mouthwash? Now that is truly awful!"

I dropped a quick kiss on her mouth. "But, alas, Alice informs me that we have exactly one hour, two minutes, and 15.2567 seconds until there is a break in the sunshine so we can go.

Bella laughed. "You're exaggerating."

I felt my smile go crooked and, as per usual, Bella's breath caught. "Yes, I am. We've got about an hour, so hurry up," I said playfully, pushing her toward the door.

Bella sauntered out of the room, tossing her hair over her shoulder and wiggling her hips in an exaggerated manner. She looked back at me and winked. The thud that reverberated through the center of my body felt like my heart had jolted to life for the first time in near a century. I quickly glanced away, but I knew that she had caught me looking. Either she was getting better at catching me or I was getting worse at hiding my overwhelming interest. It was probably a little of both.

I escaped downstairs before the shower turned on. It was agonizing being close to Bella yet so far away. Distance, of course, did little to mute the torturous whisper of each of her movements. My ears picked up the sound as easily as I could pinpoint her heartbeat in a multitude. The slide of cotton on her skin caused me to groan involuntarily, and the soft plunk of fabric hitting the tile brought images that no gentleman should be thinking about to mind.

I didn't doubt for one second that I was a first class masochist. I began to pilfer desperately through the kitchen cabinets looking for something to make for Bella's breakfast as I heard the shower start up and the curtain scape back.

_Don't fall,_ I thought. _Please, God, don't fall . . ._

The slide of her barefoot against the slick wetness of the fiberglass tub was quickly followed by a sharp gasp and the sound of Bella's accelerated heartbeat. I was standing outside the bathroom with the doorknob protesting in my crushing grip before she righted herself. It wasn't the first time that this had happened.

"Close one," I heard her mutter.

I stood outside the door, holding my breath and desperately trying not to gouge chunks out of the oak doorframe. It cried out like a wounded animal under the punishing grip of my fingers as I fought myself, my desires.

The soft plink of the water hitting her skin was almost enough to unman me. I could tell from the subtle shift of the sound just where each precious droplet was falling. Bella moaned softly and a soft groan eased from between my lips in response.

I knew the exact moment that she shifted her hair over to the side to let the warm water rain down over her bowed head. I followed the procession of each drop as it slid over her shoulders and breasts, across the flat planes of her stomach and down her thighs. Each shift of her body, each lift of her arm was torture.

I turned from the door and leaned with my back against the wall, letting my head thump against it lightly. I closed my eyes and groaned, my hands tugging ruggedly at my hair. I shouldn't be standing here like this, but if I were being truthful, it wasn't the first time.

"My Bella . . ."

The trembling was back. I needed her. Everything within me was begging me to claim her, to enter that shower and hold her body against mine.

But I couldn't.

I could almost picture it—my fingers tracing the lines of water as they sluiced down her breasts. I would follow them with my fingers, slowly driving her beyond her senses with my touch and finally my mouth. How I wanted to taste the tender flesh of her breasts. I wondered if her nipples would taste like the rest of her skin…perhaps like the tender and sensitive skin that was just behind her ear. I wondered if it would be just as sensitive. Would she shudder and moan under my mouth as she did when I kissed her elsewhere? Would she let me touch her? Let me discover all her secrets? Would she let me taste her there, in the most intimate of places? Would she want to do the same to me?

I groaned and fisted my hands against my eyes. It was too much. . . . I wanted it too much. I wanted to feel her heart racing against the barren wasteland of my chest. I wanted to feel her arch her body up into mine, our naked skin pressed together. I wanted to hear her sigh my name . . . scream it. I wanted to absorb her warmth, feel her heat consume and overwhelm me. I wanted . . . no, needed to sink into her body, claiming and uniting it with my own. I needed the oneness, the bliss of her, the bond, the wholeness that I had been missing since my inception.

And it could never be. I felt my eyes prick uselessly, and I swallowed back the lump in my throat. My head bowed downward. I would sacrifice anything, anyone, to be with her that way . . . anyone that is, but Bella. And the ultimate sacrifice would be hers. I would not allow that.

But the mere thought of making her mine . . .

_My Bella . . . forever my Bella . . ._

I shook my head. No. That would never happen. I couldn't allow that to happen.

The scent of strawberries filled my nose. I inhaled sharply and gritted my teeth against the groan I could feel rising from the depths of my being. My control was weakening. I had to get out of here—immediately.

"Safe," I murmured to myself. "Protect her . . ."

With a sigh, I pushed away from the wall and trudged down the stairs, denying myself and resuming my search for Bella's morning sustenance in her barren kitchen.

I opened the refrigerator and pulled out a suspiciously light carton of eggs. Upon opening it, I saw that it was just as I had expected: completely empty with the exception of one cracked and partially crushed egg. I threw it in the trash and wrote "eggs" on the grocery list that was hanging on the refrigerator via a magnet. It was the same with the bacon. It smelled slightly sour and there was a greenish hue that would be invisible to human eyes growing along the edges. I threw the package in the trash and turned my search to the cabinets. Sometimes I thought that if humans could see what vampires could, they would all be vegetarians.

The box of cereal was nothing but crumbs—I added it to the growing list. I was debating the possibilities of fish for breakfast, there was apparently an overabundance of that, when I spied a lone package of brown sugar Pop-tarts. Putting them in the toaster to cook, I was relieved to hear that Bella's shower had ended.

By the time the blow-dryer turned on, I had plated the pastries to cool and had a glass of orange juice from concentrate sitting on the table. I was horrified at the meager and nutritionally deficient offerings, of course, but I had no choice. I would just have to make up for the lack later.

I heard Bella on the stairs and turned to greet her, but the sight that met my eyes left me speechless.

Alice was a sheer genius . . . or the devil incarnate. I hadn't decided yet. I knew that she was responsible for Bella's outfit. Sometimes it seemed like the world, or my family at least, was conspiring against me.

I briefly closed my eyes, not wanting Bella to see the agony—or the desire—that was hidden in their depths. But I couldn't escape the sight before me. That image was burned into my psyche and would stay there for the rest of eternity. She was wearing a thin, red-checkered halter top with dainty ties looped into haphazard bows on the shoulders to hold it up. When standing, the bottom barely brushed the tops of her shorts—her very short, sanity stealing, jean shorts.

God help me, her legs seemed to go on for miles. I couldn't decide if I had officially died and gone to Hell or to Heaven. The venom pooling in my mouth had everything to do with desire, but not a desire for her blood. I swallowed, hoping that she wouldn't see.

"What do you think," she asked, spinning around.

I let out a very low groan under my breath. There was no way that I was telling her what I was _really_ thinking . . . no way at all. I smiled crookedly to hide my discomfiture, and it became more genuine when I heard her breath catch.

"You look lovely, but then you always do," I replied.

Stepping forward, I pulled her gently into my arms, running my fingers through the damp, half dry tangle of hair that hung around her shoulders. Leaning in, I placed a soft kiss at each corner of her mouth and murmured against her lips, "So, did you take care of that dragon br—"

Bella slapped my chest and tried to turn away, her face red and embarrassed. I pulled her closer, dipping my head to hers. She sighed softly as my lips caressed hers gently—always so gently. A shiver of tremulous sensation raced down my spine as her hands crept into the hair at the nape of my neck, her fingers combing through it absently.

It was always so difficult to rein myself in when we were close like this. It could go too far so easily. If I pressed too hard, held her too tightly . . . I pulled away and rested my forehead against hers. Her heartbeat and respiration were elevated. I sighed quietly and kissed her temple, her cheek, her jaw. Her mouth turned towards mine, seeking blindly.

Unable to resist her, I placed a chaste kiss against her lips. Bella moaned softly, almost inaudibly, and her arms tightened around my neck, letting me know that she wanted me to hold her closer. I resisted her unspoken request.

Her mouth opened slightly and her warm, minty breath whispered against my stone lips. I knew that I shouldn't, but my lips softened and I deepened the kiss slightly, pulling the evidence of her mortality into my body, letting her life become mine. Bella sighed softly, unconsciously rubbing her chest into mine and causing a different sort of monster to roar to life. I knew that at times Bella liked to test our boundaries and if I were completely honest, I would have to say that I loved and hated those moments, but this was not one of them. Instead this was one of the subtle and instinctive cues of a woman to her lover.

I stepped back slightly, putting some much needed distance between us before I could do something we both would regret, and swallowed back the venom that was flowing freely in my mouth. She tried to follow me, her lips pursuing mine, but I stilled her with a firm hand on her hip. Bella glanced up at me and sighed. Her eyes were dark and slightly unfocused.

She smiled ruefully. "Too much, huh?"

I glanced away and nodded, not meeting her gaze lest she see the lie in my eyes. I knew that Bella would mistake my avoidance as chagrin, assuming that it was the bloodlust that made me pull away. I had never told her, but the bloodlust hadn't been an issue since Phoenix. It was still there to some degree; I supposed it always would be, but her blood didn't call to me in the same way. The monster was a convenient excuse, and I did nothing to correct her assumption. It shamed me to deceive her in such a way, but it was vital that I not allow things to spiral out of control between us.

My hands came up and traced the line of her jaw and neck, letting the rhythmic pulsing of her heart thump reassuringly under my fingertips. "I'm sorry," I replied sadly, my tone regretful and begging for an absolution of which she was oblivious.

Her fingers brushed over my brow, her eyes soft with compassion that I didn't deserve. "Don't apologize."

"Bella . . ."

She shook her head. "Shh . . . It's alright; I understand," she whispered.

I sighed and reflexively closed my eyes, knowing that they were surely as black as my soul. Opening them slowly, I attempted a smile that I knew fell flat and motioned toward the table, needing to distract not only her but myself also.

"I made you breakfast."

Bella glanced at the plate on the table. "Pop-tarts? Where in the world did you find those?"

"There was a package in the back of the cabinet," I said with a shrug.

She bit her lip and gazed at me doubtfully. "Where in the cabinet?"

I grimaced. "Behind an expired tin of sardines and a label-less can of what I think was Spam."

She giggled and picked up one of the pastries and sniffed it delicately. "You know, these are probably as old as I am."

Bella sniffed the Pop-tart again and opened her mouth to take a bite. Suddenly, my cellphone rang; its trilling chirp loud in the stillness of the house. "Hold that bite," I muttered.

Flipping the phone open, I pressed it to my ear without a word, holding Bella's gaze. "Do. Not. Let. Her. Eat. That," Alice enunciated clearly and precisely. "I know that people, and apparently some vampires, believe that in the event of the apocalypse that humanity will be able to subsist on Twinkies and Pop-tarts but really, Edward, they do have an expiration date. What were you thinking?" she trilled so quickly that even I, with my inherent vampire hearing, had a hard time keeping up. "That future was _not_ pretty, let me tell you!"

I shook my head at Bella and her nose wrinkled. She dropped the offending pastry in the trash with a sigh.

"Thanks, Alice."

She made a disgruntled sound. "I'll call the diner and have them make something to go. Oh, and your picnic basket is already onsite and everything will be ready by the time you return."

Bella didn't know it, but Alice was planning a little early surprise birthday party for her. Alice was positive that Bella would love it, but I wasn't convinced. "Are you sure that's a good idea, Alice?"

There was the slightest of hesitation in her voice, but she answered quickly, "Positive. You'll see, Edward."

I glanced at Bella and she had a slightly suspicious frown on her face. I sighed. Bella might be mad at me later for letting Alice throw her a party, but if she wanted to be a Cullen, she would have to learn to accept that this was just the way Alice was.

"Okay, I'll take your word for it, Alice. I, uh, um . . ." I wanted to ask her how things would go today, but I knew that she would tell me if something was going to go wrong—like me ripping all the clothes off of Bella's body and throwing her on top of the nearest flat surface . . .

She giggled and I could almost see her rolling her eyes. "Everything's fine, Edward."

I smiled. "I never get tired of hearing that, you know." And I truly never did. Bella's safety was paramount to me . . . well, except in the case of potentially vomit inducing, eighteen year old Pop-tarts, it seemed.

"I know. So, relax and, you know, have some fun. Tootles," she said with a smile in her voice. The phone call cut off abruptly.

I glanced up to find Bella watching me, her eyes roving over me slowly. I grinned. "What?"

She shrugged. "Nothing much. I was just thinking about how lucky I am."

I moved in a flash and pulled my shocked and flushed love into my waiting arms. "I'm the lucky one. I keep waiting for the day when you realize what a bad catch I am and change your mind." I meant it as a joke, but there was an underlining thread of truth in my words. I truly was nowhere near good enough for her.

Bella put her hands on both sides of my face and pulled slightly, indicating that she wanted me to face her. I complied with her wishes, of course. She was watching me, her dark eyes worried. There was a crease between her brows and the corners of her mouth were tugged downward.

"You really believe that, don't you?"

I glanced away. _Perceptive. Always so perceptive._ "Bella," I sighed.

"No. Don't try to distract me. You honestly believe that I'll change my mind one day. You think I'll want someone else."

"Love . . ." I began, but then I stopped at a loss for words.

"You listen to me, Edward Cullen, I love you. I will always love you. You are it for me, there isn't and can never be anyone else. Ever."

Something deep within me thrilled at her words, but fell quickly. She was just a girl . . . a teenager—hormonal and inconstant. What did she know of eternity? Her emotions were like the wind, ever changing and shifting. One day she would want more, she would need more. I was keenly aware that the countdown on our relationship was rapidly ticking toward my doom. One day, and one day soon, Bella would outgrow me. It was the only thing that I feared as much as her untimely death. Always, it came back to her humanity. It would separate us ultimately just as it did daily, a constant menacing reckoning. Being immune to so many forms of death, it was an enigma that this fragile girl held me so firmly in her hands and could break me at the slightest twist of her whims.

I needed her reassurances, but in the end I knew that they didn't mean anything. There was only one way for me to be sure of her, and I would never go there. Bella would remain human, even if it inevitably destroyed me. And each beat of her mortal heart, each second that made her older, that pulled her further from my grasp, was a torment—sweet and aching and precious, yet horrible and terrifying in its yielding and transient nature.

She was my existence, my heartbeat, my breath. Her finite life had become mine. I needed her like the Earth needs the sun, but I would lose her eventually. I knew this. I had reconciled myself to that fact but each day, each realization that I was a second, a minute, and hour closer to our eternal separation ate away that the very fabric of my being, shredding my sanity and my grip on reality. Bella Swan would be the end of me.

"Edward?"

My eyes met hers. I tried to smile, but I knew that it fell flat.

"You don't believe me," she stated, turning her head to try to hide her tears, and in that moment I was stripped bare before her.

I tilted her gaze toward mine. "Sh, love, I believe you." The lie fell from my lips easily as the falsehoods did so often, but this time I knew that she knew what I was doing.

She opened her mouth to speak, but I stopped her words with my mouth. Now was not the time for Bella to challenge me, to call me out on my deceits; I was too weak, too susceptible. I just needed a moment to pretend. I needed a moment to lose myself in the heat of her lips, of her touch. I needed a moment to believe that somehow, someway we would overcome all the obstacles, that we would overcome the inevitable tragedy of our love. I desperately needed to believe that fate had something better for us than a love doomed to failure.

.

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**Key Points from Chapter Two:**

* Edward is lying to Bella quite a bit because he doesn't believe that he can share his true self with her.

* As Bella's sexual awareness increases, Edward's awakens and increases in direct proportion.

* Edward likes to spend his nights with Bella pretending to sleep as she does.

* Edward has tried to leave Bella for her own good many times, but has failed up to this point.

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**A/N:** I just wanted to say thank you for all the reviews, favorites, and alerts. I appreciate each and every one of them. If you feel so inclined, I would love it if you left a review! :)

I've had a few questions on the setting of this story, so I thought I would answer them. It is set in New Moon just days before Bella's 18th birthday. I'll clear up why Edward is planning for college so early in the next chapter. :) Also the story is NOT canon; it's AU-and it will depart from canon plot lines fairly quickly as the story progresses. While the story will be fairly angsty at first, it's not a tragedy.

Thanks for reading!

~Shay**

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**BTW, I am on Twitter if you'd like to drop by and say "Hi!" I'm u2shay there and I'm chatty—you've been warned! ;-) LOL**

Many, many, many thanks to **Katmom** for lending her beta skills once again. She has many lovely stories and I highly recommend all of them! :) Go show her some love for all her hard work!


	3. A Most Dangerous Complacency

**Fate Leads the Willing

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**Part One - **_Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter Three - A Most Dangerous Complacency

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_I'm just a secret now, I'm just a vague illusion_

_I'm a lie you tell yourself, that you never truly did believe_

_I'm a whisper in the dark, I'm the victim and the killer_

_I'm almost ready now, but you insist I don't exist_

_That I don't exist..._

_I am everything, I am anything, I am automatic  
_

_I am yesterday, I am everyday_

_I am gonna be...reborn_

_This is the start of something...  
_

**~_Reborn_ by Stone Sour**

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**Monday, September 12, 2005**

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Mid-September in the meadow . . .

The overwhelming greenery of the primordial evergreen forest was broken by the golden hue of the wilted grass, which was caused by an unexpected fall freeze a week earlier. There were few flowers here this time of year, but it still managed to be peaceful and serene.

I hoped that one day I could bring Bella here when it was dusted with snow and starlight. Never was it more beautiful than then. The brightness of the sky reflected off of the white of the ground and the trees were decorated with long spikes of ice, giving the surrounding area an ethereal and at times gothic feel. I had only seen it like that twice in last eighty years that we had been coming to Forks.

I knew that Bella had an abhorrence of the cold and the wet—the irony of that was inescapable, considering that I was bound by my nature to inhabit places like that—but perhaps seeing our sanctuary in such a way would change her mind. Just the thought of Bella in the snow, her cheeks pink from the cold and her hair dusted with snowflakes, made me smile.

Unlike my love, I had a reverence, an appreciation for the barren winter season. Perhaps it was a kinship born of my vampiric nature, so alike, not dead but perhaps dormant, waiting for spring. And that spring had come to me in the form of Bella. Where I was lifeless and barren, frozen in body and mind, Bella was full of life and sunshine. She was bright and full of potential and had come into my existence and washed away the horror, leaving behind her the hope of a fresh bud, the potential of more. But what had I given her in return?

Where she had brought to me life . . . all I had to offer her was death. Even the nature of my love would leave me no other option but to give her my demise upon the completion of her own. It was bleak and dark and something that should have never marred the beauty that was Bella's life. It was irrevocable, and I was too selfish of a creature to do the right thing by her. For as long as she wanted me, I would be hers—and beyond that, I would be where she could not see me, ever haunting the peripheral of her existence.

Everywhere I looked, in every corner of my existence that touched hers, I saw the fingerprint of death and decay. Even though there was a certain enviable beauty in the end of human existence, there was no such exquisite symphony of hope that promised more—and possibly a beyond—in mine. I could never share that part of myself with her. I would never besmirch the purity of her fragility with mine—no matter how much she longed for it.

How could I do that? How could I take away the very things that make her Bella, that make me love her? I frowned. I was a constant drain on her life, stealing her rightful future. I was a thief, a murderer, wholly unworthy of her.

While I abhorred her mortality, was I truly any better than the intangible form of death, that ticking time bomb, that stalked her every breath? We were one and the same. I was death's servant, its harbinger. I had done its service before. Even now, it haunted me and stalked Bella through me, through my selfish desire to have her for eternity.

I would not let it have her.

I had often imagined that nothing pleased this entity of death more than the perpetual torture of non-living existence that my kind were trapped in. Bella saw us as having an alternate form of life, complete with souls and consciences, but I knew better. Beyond the stone of our flesh and the frozen nature that held us in its sway, there was nothing but the bleakness of a meaningless existence and unceasing thirst stretched out before us. Our souls, such as they were, were nothing but a cold and lifeless shell, timeless and irredeemable and dark as the furthest reaches of the universe. The fact that they existed at all was a mere technicality—for all intents and purposes, they were non-existent and a detraction rather than a benefit to our nature.

I watched Bella as she unfurled the red, checkered blanket with a sharp snap. Her eyes were twinkling and the sun was playing over her skin, giving it a subtle golden glow and bringing out the deep red highlights in her mahogany hair. Vitality radiated out from every pore of her being.

Watching her, I knew that I had made the right decision. To steal her life away would be a travesty.

She was beautiful, glorious. I wanted so much more for her than the emptiness of my existence, but I also wanted her forever, if I were being honest. I wanted to possess her body and soul. I wanted to be one with her on the most basic of levels. I desired the respite from this existence that only she could give me.

I coveted her heat, her warmth, her heartbeat. I coveted her love and her whispered words of adoration. I craved her touch like a newborn craves blood and destruction. Her existence was oxygen to my cells and vigor to a nature full of death.

Selfish . . . I was so selfish.

My love demanded that I take and consume. It demanded that I possess and transform everything that she was.

I told Carlisle that I could resist, that I would be satisfied with things the way they were, but it was a lie. I wasn't satisfied or content. I wanted so much more.

I wanted Bella ice cold and stone fleshed, her body filled with mine over and over again for eternity. I wanted to see her eyes, a peaceful gold or a bloodthirsty crimson, light up with joy and love because of me—and only me. I wanted to feel her love in the most tangible of ways. I wanted her to share in the bloodlust, the death, the destruction that defined my life. At the deepest—and darkest—parts of my being, I wanted to obliterate her humanity, to steal her soul and sell it to the darkness of my endless midnight. I wanted to destroy everything that separated her from me, everything that made her mortal.

Charlie didn't matter to me. Neither did Renee. In my need, my desire for her, nothing else mattered. Every time she asked for immortality, I weakened. Every time she argued that I wasn't the wretched creature I knew myself to be, every time she postulated that we were not abandoned by the heavens, I felt my resolve crumble. Even the suffering of the venom, the fire was no longer a deterrent. There was a growing part of me that desired her sacrifice, her blood, her pain, her mortal death.

Monster . . . I was a monster.

I closed my eyes, willing the pain and the torment away. It wasn't the time . . .

My eyes opened and I glanced at my love. Bella lay on the blanket on her stomach, her feet swaying hypnotically back and forth, crossed at the ankles. I followed the slim line of her bare skin, my eyes tracing over her flesh until it disappeared beneath her shorts.

I swallowed back the flood of venom that filled my mouth and momentarily overwhelmed my senses. She was so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at her. I felt the pain and pleasure of it deep in my chest. I noticed then that Bella was staring at me, her eyes filled with concern.

I briefly wondered if Carlisle was right and the added stress of my desire for Bella was too much. Was the burden of resisting her causing my carefully erected façade to crumble? Could she see how much I was struggling? Did she know what a torment it was to be this close to her and how near to immortal existence she came every second our relationship proceeded? Did suspect just how weak I was?

My hand clenched at my side and I fought back the desire, the want. I vainly fought to conjure Edward Cullen the perfect boyfriend, but it was like everything in me rebelled against and resisted the shift. I couldn't conjure the fake smiles, the clear, laughing eyes or the gentle and steady hands that didn't tremble with the need to touch her.

"Are you just going to stand there with that frown on your face all day, Mr. McBroodypants?" Bella inquired with a smirk on her face.

She patted the blanket next to her and glanced at me expectantly. I was pulled to her, drawn helplessly, folding myself into the cross legged position before I even knew what I was doing.

I glanced at her thoughtfully and tried to conjure up a carefree smile. "So, I've been being 'broody,' have I?" She really had no idea.

She sighed and glanced down at her fingers again. "Something's got you upset, and I wish that you would tell me what it is."

My left hand clenched into a fist. This wasn't Bella's burden to carry. I needed to try harder. I was failing her by letting my turmoil show.

Automatically the denial sprang to my lips. I shook my head. "I'm not—"

She snorted. "You are. So what is it?" she asked with a raised brow, then her lips quirked mischievously and she held out a hand to stop a response that I didn't have. "No, wait. Let me guess."

Bella chewed her bottom lip thoughtfully. In spite of myself, I smiled. I knew what she was trying to do. It was what she did best. She was trying to reach me—and in the near century that I had been on this earth, she was only one who could. The only one that could make me laugh when I wanted to cry and smile when my heart was breaking. The only one who had ever touched my heart.

"Okay, I've got it! Emmett is planning to give me some horrible sex book about how to seduce your vampire boyfriend for my birthday, and you overheard him thinking about it."

I tried to stop it, but a growl rumbled menacingly in the back of my throat. "If he even thought about something like that, my family would be short one vampire for the rest of eternity," I muttered. I wouldn't put it past Emmett to try something like that. I just hoped that Alice was watching him because I would hate to have to kill him.

She smirked and then returned to her playful musings. "Well, considering how grumpy you are, it must have been really bad. So . . . did Alice see the coming zombie apocalypse or something?"

_Grumpy?_ My lips twitched and I shook my head.

"Oh, I know . . . All of our government officials and the entire Royal House of Great Britain _are_ shape-shifting alien-lizards that are plotting to take over the world!"

I snorted. "You've been hanging around Jacob Black too much." _Heavens preserve us from teenage boys with internet access and a penchant for ridiculous conspiracy theories._

"Hmm . . . so it's not ultra-embarrassing sex books, zombies, or aliens . . . What in the world is worse than that?" She tilted her head contemplatively. "Oh my God! Alice is dragging me to Paris to shop for clothes!"

I chuckled and shook my head. The shopping trip was to Seattle not Paris . . .

Bella frowned. "You bought me some horribly expensive present—even though I asked you not to—and you are trying to figure out how to give it to me without me killing you—you know, figuratively speaking."

I grimaced guiltily and her eyes narrowed. "Define expensive."

Technically, the house was for both of us and her full-ride scholarship to Dartmouth would be awarded by the Pacific Northwest Trust because Bella would be undoubtedly difficult about me paying for her education. She didn't need to know that PNT was fully funded by my family. I should probably just give her the CD I made her and not tell her about the house . . .

"I will deal with you later," she threatened. "Still, it has to be something more than that given the level of angst that is rolling off of you. No wonder Jasper hasn't been around lately."

As much as I'd like to take credit for Jasper's frequent absences, I couldn't. That was all Bella. Every couple of years Jasper would leave the family to hunt a human. Carlisle didn't know, of course, but he had his suspicions about Jasper and Alice's extended "vacations." Jazz had noticed that if his slips were planned that there were less accidents. Over the last fifty years, he perfected his stalking of the dregs of society. A serial killer here, a child molester there . . . he considered it a public service. With his empathetic gift, it was easy to cull the truly malevolent—much as I had many years previously. Alice didn't like it, but she protected his secret and aided him in his biannual games. No one except for me, her co-keeper of secrets in this family, was the wiser. The time for Jasper's hunt was coming soon, and Bella was a temptation for him as his thirst increased in proportion to his anticipation for their trip this coming Christmas.

Bella gasped, jerking me from my morbid thoughts; her eyes widened with a dawning realization. "No," she said pleadingly, shaking her head slowly back and forth. "Please, don't tell me that . . ." she paused and groaned. "A birthday party, right?"

I grimaced ruefully.

Her face fell and she buried it in the palms of her hands, muttering incoherently. She glanced up, her gaze baleful. "When?"

"It's a surprise?" I meant it as a statement, but it came out as a question.

She groaned. "Today? Tonight?" She glared at me. "It has to be because I'm working tomorrow. How could you let them . . . Argh! You traitor!"

I started to laugh, but her angry gaze focused on me. Holding it back, I tried to disguise the laugh as a cough, but her eyes narrowed slightly, letting me know that she knew exactly what I was doing.

"I swallowed wrong?" I inquired playfully, attempting to tease her out of her sudden foul mood.

She snorted with disdain. "Bullshit," she muttered under her breath.

Bella started digging through the picnic basket that was next to the blanket.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm looking for something to toss at your head!" she responded, snarling.

"Potato salad is particularly nasty," I suggested, hoping to make her smile or laugh . . . or anything that would indicate that she terribly angry with me about the party.

"I'm looking, but there doesn't seem to be any," she retorted. "Apples, cheese, grapes, crackers, sparkling cider . . . damn it . . ."

I didn't mean to, but I started laughing again. Bella glanced up, her gaze catching mine. Humor sparked in the fathomless depths of her deep brown eyes and the corner of her mouth quirked just slightly.

I reached for her at the same moment a grape hit me in the face, bouncing off my nose and rolling onto the blanket between us. I blinked, stunned.

"Did you just throw a grape at me?" I questioned, narrowing my eyes threateningly.

"Perhaps," she replied innocently.

There was a slight movement of her right hand and another grape came flying in my direction. I ducked and it flew by my ear.

"Bella . . ."

She smirked. "Edward, did I ever tell you that I'm an expert at paper football?" she asked, and then flicked another grape at me without warning. "I'm very good with my fingers . . ."

I caught it and set it down on the blanket beside me. Her words were spoken so innocently, but it sounded so deliciously naughty. "No, I don't think you have," I replied, swallowing back the flood of venom that filled my mouth. "But you have amazing aim for someone with such . . . depth perception problems. . . ."

Another grape flew in my direction and I moved quickly, grabbing Bella and pulling her into my lap. I placed a gentle kiss on her fingers.

"Are you implying that I'm clumsy, sir?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye. I knew then that she had forgiven me.

I shook my head. "A gentleman such as myself would never imply such a thing, love," I replied seriously.

She hummed noncommittally.

"Thank you for not being too mad about the party," I breathed into her hair.

"You're welcome." She pulled back to gaze directly into my eyes. "Feeling better?"

I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on the pulse point between her neck and shoulder, drawing in her scent deeply, letting it calm my troubled heart and chaotic thoughts. "I am now."

She smiled at me and it was like the most beautiful of sunrises. "That's more like it. Stay with me, Edward. Whatever it is, baby, just let it all go and be with me."

Her lips touched mine and her heat melted into the core of my being, warming me. I loved her warmth; I longed for it when it was gone. Of their own accord, my hands threaded through the hair at the nape of her neck, pulling her closer into my body. All thoughts of protection and right and wrong, thoughts of angst and ever-constant eternities, were gone in that moment. All that existed was her. Her lips, her body pressed against mine.

She moaned my name softly and I answered in return. My lips traveled across hers softly, carefully, always so carefully. The touch of her fingers in my hair rippled through me, leaving trails of fire that warred with the ice of my being, traveling up and down my spine.

Such rapture, such torture.

My breath blew over her skin and she shuddered. The reaction of her skin fascinated me. Starting behind her ear, I blew a gentle gust of breath that flowed over the curve of her neck and across her collarbones, letting my breath touch all the places that I dared not. A quiver raced over her skin, almost a tangible ripple. The finite, almost invisible hairs stood on end as her flesh pimpled in response to my assault. As her skin began to smooth, I couldn't resist the urge to do it again.

Bella's hands, still buried in my hair, tugged uselessly, trying to pull me in closer, but still I hovered over her neck, observing the her reaction to me. A low, frustrated sound broke from her lips. I smiled in response.

"Bella," I breathed, letting my breath wash over her once more.

"Edward . . ."

I closed my eyes, moaning on a level that she couldn't hear. There was clench, a squeezing deep in my chest when she said my name that way. It made me want to consume her, devour her in all ways pleasurable and sensual.

My hand trembled slightly as it brushed over the line of her hair. I could feel the electricity that flowed between us, through us, over us, binding us, pulling me to her, tempting me to take, to breach, to claim. It was too much.

My mouth flooded with venom, my lust for her overwhelming me. And it was lust. Not the red tinged lust for death and destruction, but the lust of life and pleasure, of heat and oneness. I knew that I should pull away. The danger was overwhelming, claiming my senses, setting me adrift in a haze that endangered Bella and thereby endangered my existence.

I should move away, make some quip to cover my need, but I couldn't. I wanted her.

Weak . . . I was so weak.

She was everything, this unassuming girl. My life, such as it was, my very existence. She was heat and fire, ice and glacier, heaven and hell, absolution and purgatory. Salvation and damnation, the most glorious heaven and the deepest pit of hellfire. She was life and death, forever and the briefest whisper of time, my breath, my sanity, my heart, my pulse, the very cells of my being, my skin, my eyes, the tie that held me to this fragile world. Bella . . .

The heat of her touch approached the wintery stillness of my cheek. I felt her warmth sinking into my skin mere seconds before it was followed by her touch. I sighed, seeing stars behind the closed lids of my eyes. Her touch always did this to me; it illuminated my universe to a single point of light and reason, just her. There was nothing else.

"I love you," she whispered, her lips brushing over my cheekbones, across my jaw, before feathering across my lips.

The tie, the binding cord between my existence and hers snapped taut. I basked in the radiating warm of her words, her emotions. I could feel her eyes upon me, yet I couldn't find the will to open my eyes, to meet her gaze. Instead I chose to stay lost, stay adrift in the sea of her illuminating embrace, allowing each moment that passed by to hold me in its precious and all too fleeting grasp.

Here it was just me and her. There was no world to intrude, to steal, no voices to remind me of a nature I would rather forget. Here I could pretend, and I refused to let the call of reality and the constant tick of life's clock interfere. Here I could ignore the beating of her heart and just focus on us, on her, on our love. Here I could pretend that I was worthy, that I was something beyond the weak and selfish monster that I knew myself to be. Here we were equal, my strength humbled and her weakness exalted. Here, in Bella's arms, I could simply be a man. And what I wouldn't give to be a man—any man. Mike Newton, Jacob Black, Tyler Crowley . . . how humbling it was to burn with jealously over their humanity.

She sighed my name and I smiled, resolving to focus on the present and to glory in every moment that Bella was here. Every moment that she was mine.

I sat holding Bella in my arms for timeless moments, basking not only in the warmth of the sun but also in each other. Bella rested with her head on my shoulder and one hand absently brushing through my hair. My fingers traced lightly over her back, being careful not to touch the bare skin at her waist. Absentmindedly I traced a heart followed by slowly and intricately drawn letters between Bella's shoulder blades. I often did things like that. Sometimes it was words or sentiments—I love you, I'm sorry, various and sundry professions of my constant affection; at others, it was pictures—a heart, a swan, a rose . . .

Bella never knew what I was doing, of course, but it was a way for me to express all the things I wanted to say that I couldn't. Today, it was an apology, traced out letter by letter on her skin as I begged her forgiveness for the constant half-truths—for letting her believe that it was an impending birthday party and not my constant obsession with the dwindling time we had together that was troubling me.

**~~~oOo~~~**

The day passed quickly—as my time with Bella always did. I wished that I could stop time, draw it out and make the little moments like this last for an eternity in reality instead of just in the frozen depths of my boundless mind.

We were relaxing on a soft plaid blanket, discussing college possibilities. Bella was arguing the benefits of the University of Alaska, noting that it was dreary and rainy and all the things a vampire requires. I, of course, chastised her for thinking more of me instead of herself.

"Come on, love, think outside of Washington and Alaska. What about Oxford or Harvard . . . or perhaps you want to be a Princeton girl," I cajoled her, knowing that she most likely wouldn't like those suggestions. I had seen the flyer for Dartmouth she had tacked to her mirror. It was lost in the midst of many such bulletins for student and local events, but she didn't speak about them in her sleep. But she did dream about Dartmouth.

It had started two months before. She had whispered it, and then scrunched up her little brow with a frown on her lips. "No," she had said. "No. Too expensive."

That was when the idea first formed. I had seen the visions flit through Alice's mind when I had asked her about us going to Dartmouth. Bella looked so happy, so in her element. I wanted her to have that.

"Dream big," I murmured.

"Now who is the ridiculous one?" she retorted, not meeting my eyes.

I rolled to my side and propped my head up on my hand and grinned. Bella was sitting in front of me, her legs folded in front of her. She rolled her eyes at me and then glanced away, but I saw the shift in her gaze, the longing.

I brushed her hair away from her face and tucked it behind her ear. "Hmm, let's see," I stated playfully. "Notre Dame?"

Bella snorted and bit her lip.

I shook my head. "No . . . you don't look like one of 'Fighting Irish.' What about MIT?"

She giggled, her eyes filled with mirth. "So, I look like a geek then?"

I grinned and pursed my lips thoughtfully. "I don't know . . . Maybe if you got a pair of hideous, dark plastic glasses and put your hair up into a messy ponytail with a pencil hanging precariously behind your ear and had a book perpetually in your hands . . . Yes, I think you could pull it off!" I said with a wink.

She snorted! "It takes more than looking like a nerd to be one! I'd fail out in the first week!"

I shook my head. "I'd tutor you, but I wouldn't be able to attend with you because I was there less than a decade ago. . . ."

There was a sharp gasp from Bella's vicinity, and I met her shocked gaze. "You graduated from MIT?"

"Yes, in 2003 with a Masters of Architecture. The next year I restarted my high school career as a sophomore at Forks High."

"That had to be humbling," she said, her brow furrowed slightly and her lips pursed.

I ran a finger over the lip she was biting. "What's wrong?"

Her face turned away. "It's just that . . . that . . ."

I tilted my head and brushed my knuckles down her cheek. "Tell me, love."

She shook her head.

"Bella . . ."

She shook her head again and changed the subject. "Why architecture?"

I shrugged, feeling slightly frustrated that she was editing her thoughts. "I thought I might be of some use to Esme. You know how she loves to design things."

"That was very thoughtful of you," she choked out with a forced smile.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked, tilting her chin upwards so that her gaze met mine.

"How many degrees do you have?" she blurted, blushing wildly.

"A few," I answered cryptically, finally understanding what was bothering her. In a little less than a year, Bella would be attending college for the first time, but it would be my ninth—if I chose to pursue that route. I recognized that knowledge might make her feel awkward.

"How many is a few?"

"Less than a dozen."

She sighed. "How many Edward?"

My lips twisted and I glanced down, feeling embarrassed for some reason. "Eight, not counting lower level degrees."

Her mouth fell open and I shrugged. "In what?" she inquired breathlessly.

"Well you know about the one at MIT, but I also have two medical degrees and three music degrees—two D.M.A.s, one specializing in performance and one in composition, and a Ph.D. in music theory. I also have a Masters in Psychology."

Bella's eyes popped wide open. "Psychology?"

I laughed. "Well, I figured if I was going to be in the human mind for the rest of eternity that I might as well understand it—not that it seems to help in the slightest when it comes to you . . ." I mumbled the last part quietly, but Bella heard me.

She sent me a dirty look and stuck her little, pink tongue out. "Well, maybe next time you should specialize in _abnormal _psychology . . ."

I grinned. That was not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all. "I'll take that under consideration," I replied, enjoying the lighthearted banter.

"You know, that was only seven . . ." she prompted, her brow raised.

I shifted, suddenly feeling uncomfortable, and grimaced. All in all, it was a very human movement.

Her expressive features shifted and her gaze became curious. "What?"

"Um . . . well . . ."

She sighed. "C'mon! What is it? Astrophysics? Nuclear Science? Oh, I know! A Masters of Divinity! It would go well with your god complex."

I sputtered. "God complex?"

She motioned toward me. "Yeah, you know, the otherworldly beauty, the supernatural abilities, the whole 'I can read minds' thing, and of course, the immortality . . ."

I shook my head and let out an exasperated sigh. "I'm hardly a god. A devil more like."

Bella cupped my cheek and scooted closer to me. She hesitated, catching my gaze before slowly and cautiously placing a gentle kiss against my lips. I loved it when initiated the contact between us, but I hated the hesitation and caution in her movements, knowing that I had made her believe that this was necessary—and it was at one time. It shouldn't be like this. She should be able to throw herself into my arms with abandon—the way we both longed for.

Her lips moved from mine and traced across my cheek. "Angel," she murmured. Her mouth whispered over my eyes as they fell closed before moving on to my other cheek and her fingers were buried in the short hairs at the nape of my neck. "You're my angel."

Her mouth touched mine again, and I moaned softly against her lips. She was wrong. So very, very wrong but oh, how I wanted to believe that I could be that for her.

Bella pulled back and eyed me speculatively. "Now about that mystery degree . . ."

I sighed. "It's silly."

She took a sip of sparkling cider and sliced off a sliver of sharp cheddar. Placing it on a cracker, she popped it into her mouth and gazed at me expectantly.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and grimaced slightly. "You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Try me."

"I have a Bachelor's from Harvard . . ." I paused, not wanting to continue.

"Harvard," she grumbled. She rolled her eyes and blew out a deep breath, trying to drive away a strand of hair that was blown in front of her eyes by the gentle breeze coming in from the west before continuing, "Of course. In?"

I reached out and tucked the stray lock behind her ear. "Folklore and mythology," I whispered just as Bella lifted her cup to take a sip.

She choked. "Did you say 'folklore and mythology?'"

I shrugged. "I was still struggling to reconcile myself with what I was. I was trying to find myself, find meaning in my existence. I thought it might help."

"Did it?"

Did it help to study the unsurprising reaffirmation that I was the most menacing of fiends in the minds of countless generations of distant humanity—to analyze man's fear of death and the unknown in the personage of my existence? No, not really . . .

I decided to dodge the question. "Well," I began with a humorous twist to my lips. "It might have, but I was so distracted by all the inhuman creatures in my classes that I had a hard time focusing on my studies."

Bella laughed. "I take it that a lot of dragons, fairies, and trolls attend Harvard University so they can get in touch with their inner supernatural being."

"Don't forget the elves, harpies, imps, and goblins."

"What about the werewolves? Don't want to leave them out."

I shook my head. "Nope. No werewolves."

She tilted her head curiously. "No werewolves? Why not?"

"Too stupid . . . and the smell is . . . revolting."

"Revolting that's . . . Wait a minute. Are they real?"

I smiled mysteriously.

"Edward! Are werewolves real?"

Still I remained silent. She pushed against my chest. "Do I need to pelt you with grapes a second time? I think I have some left." She motioned toward the picnic basket. "Tell me. Are they?"

"Well, I'll tell you, and only because I don't want to have to suffer through the utter humiliation of being assaulted by grapes. . . ."

"Edward . . ."

"Yes, they're real, love."

"Really?"

I nodded.

"What about fairies?"

"Not that I've ever seen."

"Mermaids?"

I caressed her cheek gently. "Well, you have most certainly captivated me with your beauty. Tell me, love, are you luring me to my doom?"

She snorted, rolled her eyes, and slapped my arm playfully. "What about dragons?"

"They died out long ago."

"No way!"

I smiled and nodded. Carlisle had seen one once—as a boy. It was one of his few human memories.

"Dwarves?"

"I wouldn't know. They are purported to live underground."

"Trolls?"

"Real or the internet variety?"

She laughed. "Never mind. What about sprites? Elves? Hobbits?"

"No. Don't know. And finally, hobbits were an invention of J.R.R. Tolkien," I stated dryly.

Bella sat back down. In her excitement, she had risen to her knees and was waving around her hands excitedly, her eyes shining brightly. There was a huge smile on her face. For a moment, I had been almost happy to be what I was, so that I could share this with her.

"That settles it. I want to go to Harvard so that I can study mythology too."

"Harvard?" I asked, disappointment coloring my voice. Bella glanced at me strangely. I backpedaled. "Well, love, if that is what you want . . . I mean . . . of course . . . that would be . . ."

"Edward."

I glanced up and saw Bella staring at me with a bemused grin on her face. "Edward, I don't want to go to Harvard. I could never afford it." She picked up an apple, neatly sliced off a portion, and ate it. She moaned. "Mmm . . . this is really good."

I smiled. Her words were muffled and slurred since she spoke while chewing. She cut off another slice.

"Bella, if you want to go to Harvard . . ."

"I don't," she stated firmly.

"Where do you want to go, love?"

"The University of Alaska," she said defiantly. "The weather suits your needs, I can afford to go there, and I'm sure to be accepted. The early decision deadline is November first. I've already filled out the application and written the essays."

I shifted, causing her to glance at me. "What if . . . what if I don't want to go the University of Alaska?"

Her eyes filled with tears, misunderstanding clear in their depths. "I thought wherever we went that it would . . . would be . . . together. I—I—"

I placed a finger gently against her lips. "It will. I just thought you might want to go somewhere warmer . . ."

She let out a shuddering sigh and then frowned deeply. "I'm sorry. I should have asked you where you wanted to go. I was just thinking about the money and the weather and it just seemed—"

"Bella . . ."

She glanced up.

"Hush."

She fiddled with the knife in her hand and cut another slice from the apple. Her fingers were trembling slightly. "So . . . uh . . . um, where did you want to go?" she asked hesitantly before eating the portion she had cut from the fruit.

I smiled, my gaze holding hers. "Dartmouth—if you would find that acceptable."

Her hand jerked and she gasped, her eyes darkening with shock . . . and pain? Then I smelled it. Blood. The most heavenly blood that had ever existed.

_Oh God!_

I watched, transfixed as a single drop ran from the wound, leaving a wake of the most beautiful crimson as it trailed down her index finger and across her palm. The drop fell from the corner of her hand were it met her wrist and dripped down slowly, landing on the apple that had fallen from her grasp. Her blood contrasted sharply with the crisp, fleshy pulp of the apple, almost matching its skin. That first drop was quickly followed by another. The cut was deep, ripe with the promise of more.

I heard a voice; I knew it was Bella's, but I couldn't move, couldn't focus, couldn't see her. My eyes were filled with the monster. His garnet eyes gleamed brightly and he slowly grinned.

.

.

.

* * *

**Key Points from Chapter Three:**

* Edward makes really bad choices when it comes to feeding Bella...LOL

* Jasper cheats on his vegetarian diet, and Alice enables him.

* Edward has gone a little overboard on Bella's birthday present - Dartmouth, a house, a CD...

* Edward is pretending to be what he _thinks _Bella needs instead of revealing who he really is.

* There are two sides of Edward. One wants to keep Bella human and the other is desperate to change her.

* Bella is woefully ignorant of just what it means to be a vampire...or a mate of one.

* * *

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**A/N:** Yeah, yeah . . . I know. I'm a mean, evil, cliffie bitch. You can tell me all about it in a review, if you'd like! ;) Anyhoo, thanks for reading!

Many, many thanks to Katmom for beta'ing this story—many hugs, babe!—and to Kejce for pre-reading and keeping me focused.

**I have a story rec for you all. LJ Summers wrote an amazing entry for the Age of Edward contest called: **_**She Was His First**_**. I HIGHLY recommend that you go read it because it's utterly fantastic. www[.]fanfiction[.]net/s/6329517/1/**


	4. October and April

**Fate Leads the Willing**

* * *

**Part One - **_Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter Four - October and April**

* * *

_Why can't I be what you need? A new improved version of me_

_But I'm nothing so good, no I'm nothing - just bones, a lonely ghost burning down songs_

_Of violence, of love, and of sorrow, I beg for just one more tomorrow_

_Where you hold me down, fold me in - deep, deep, deep in the heart of your sins_

_I break in two over you, I break in two_

_And each piece of me dies because only you can give the breath of life_

_But you don't see me, you don't..._

**_~Autumn's Monologue_ by From Autumn to Ashes**~

.

**Monday, September 12, 2005**

.**  
**

Carlisle had told me to hunt—hunt until I couldn't hold any more and then hunt again—yet here I stood outside of my family's home with my throat parched with thirst, drawn to her. Even now, I couldn't leave her, couldn't be parted from her.

I knew that my Bella was inside. I could hear her heartbeat. I felt the pulse of it deep within my being. Alice knew that I was here. She was begging me to come inside, asking me to talk to Bella, to reconsider what I knew was my only option.

I had failed my love.

I had put her at risk.

I had become the one thing that I had promised myself that she would never see. I had become the monster.

Even now, I could taste her blood on my lips; I could hear her whimpers and cries. I could smell her fear.

So often, Carlisle had warned me that we were creatures that balanced a precarious nature with a weak and dying one. So often, he had told me that I had to be constantly vigilant because with the slightest provocation the scales could tip and I would be overwhelmed before I knew what was happening.

As vampires we were constantly juggling the two sides of our natures, seeking to keep the evil that burned within us in control by appealing to and nurturing our latent humanity. It was difficult because it felt as though our humanity was constantly dying, constantly slipping away from us. It was painful, a torment, but we endured it because we knew what we would be if we didn't.

It would be so easy to become as the Volturi—cold and unfeeling, consumed with the pursuits of the mind and the arts but lacking the inner warmth of a heart and figuratively a soul. Or we could be like the countless nomads that roamed the Earth—more animal than a reasoning being, having minds focused on the most base of amusements—prey and sex and vicious and amoral games of power and fear and domination. Instead my family tried to live in balance, aching to be something higher, something more, but doomed to constant failure. We were cursed to seek but never obtain, to live demoralized lives, lonely, empty, frozen, burning . . . burning for all eternity, until the day that with the help of another we could forsake this Hell for another.

Carlisle had warned me, but this hadn't been the complete consumption of my better half that he had warned me about—how I wished that it was. I hadn't been drowning in the haze of bloodlust and want as I had expected; I had experienced that many times before. I knew in the most intimate fashion how we could lose control of ourselves so fully, so completely, that sanity, reason, our tenuously held and precarious humanity was far from us, but this had been different. This hadn't been a loss of myself; no, this was a splitting of my very being. This had been a dichotomy, a rupturing of my former Frankensteined self into two beings— and we were indeed gruesome, patchworked creatures that merely played at life and beauty, us Cullens more than others of our kind. We were an amalgamation of fiend and man joined together to form a most monstrous abomination. It had been like I switched places with the hideous creature that inhabits and corrupts this immortal body in that moment, and I had had no idea how to gain control again. The monster had ripped away from my control and had conquered, and I was powerless against his rampage.

I had watched with helpless rage as he took over, as he took that which was most precious to me in his cold and remorseless arms. Fear the likes of which I had never experienced consumed me. It was like watching a movie or reading a predictable book. I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew exactly what I was going to lose, yet I was powerless to stop it. Powerless. Helpless. Frail.

I had fought vainly. I had roared in fury, but his cage was my own and there was no escape from it. I had felt everything he felt. I knew his every thought but lacked control over every physical part of myself. It had no longer been my mind, my body. Instead it had been his—the predator—and he had my world in his rapacious sights.

It had been the opposite of being a newborn—all mind and no body. I was lost in soul yet fully present in spirit. I had been just as absent and ineffectual in that moment as I had been when I had first awakened to the torment of the burning thirst. I was just as distant, just as powerless to combat the instincts of the fiend.

I stopped; my hands clenched at my sides and unbidden the memories came—the crimson stain of Bella's blood running down her alabaster skin, the trembling of her flesh under mine, her taste, her scent, her whimpers, her tears . . .

I remembered how the monster—no, not the monster, I—how _I_ had bent and sucked Bella's finger into my mouth, groaning at the taste of her blood. I remembered how _I_ had delighted in her whimpers as_ I_ raked my teeth across her wound, widening it so that _I_ could greedily lap the sweet nectar that flowed from her fingertip. Inwardly I had been repulsed, but outwardly . . .

No . . . No.

I had never wanted this. I didn't want this, but the monster . . .

I tried to stop them, but the memories still flooded forth. I recalled with the clarity only reserved for the undead how her pulse had pounded in my ears, beckoning me, calling me, hypnotizing me. The feel of her pliant flesh had seared my senses, leaving me awash in a sea of need and desire and want and compulsion. Blood and seduction . . . seduction and blood . . .

I had experienced the most monstrous side of my nature in its purest form—animalistic, wholly given over to instinct. There was no reason in him, no gray areas, no light in his darkness. To him, all things were absolute. To him, existence consisted of three things: blood, mate, sex. In that order. To the monster, blood was found in the nameless "its" that were scattered across this planet like cattle. Their call was burn and lust and unceasing in its torment. To him, mate was instinctive. It was possession in its purest form. There was nothing as important as that claim, and he would do anything to defend it. Sex was the instinctive result of that possession. It was animalistic and raw—hissing and biting and claiming.

The monster had recognized her as his mate, but her humanity had confused him. It had warred with his need for her blood. Red had filled his mind. Not the red of bloodlust but of anger, anger at the foreignness that divided him from his mate. Driven by instinct, his head had bowed to her neck. The drive to end her humanity and claim his mate had been the only thought in his mind.

The months that I had trained myself, restrained the beast every time I bowed to kiss Bella's neck, the months I had reveled in the warm vibrations of her pulse were obliterated in that second. Love was far from the monster. He did not understand it. He did not need nor want it. He did not experience it.

I hissed as the pain of "what could have beens" flowed through me. No. I wouldn't have. I shook my head. No . . . but it had been so close.

My ineffectual whimper had matched Bella's as the monster had opened his mouth wide against her neck. I had never felt so helpless, so powerless, as I had in that moment. Never had I been more aware of just how weak I was. I had watched helplessly, raging against my immutable and unresponsive body, as he had reached out to embrace that which was most precious to me. His teeth had rested lightly against her neck, marking her jugular with microscopic abrasions that had reddened and swelled under his assault. Ever so softly he had bit down, leaving the imprint of his teeth in her delicate flesh, marking her.

"Please," Bella had whispered. "Please, Edward."

I shuddered as I recalled the impact of my body with the tree Alice had thrown me into as she ripped me away from Bella. Never had I been so grateful for the interference of my family. I remembered the feral flash in my sister's dark, turbulent eyes as she had situated herself between me and my crying mate.

I remembered her hissed and violent words as she tried to bring me back to my senses. "You almost ruined everything," she had growled. I had seen the images in her head of my Bella cold and lifeless and immortal in her mind—the images of Charlie and Renee grieving over an empty coffin, of Charlie never accepting Bella's disappearance, of the constant search that consumed him.

My heart had felt like it was being torn from my chest as I recalled the wetness of Bella's pale cheeks, the trembling of her hand as she had touched her neck. I had come so close to piercing her skin. The dark pink imprint of my razor sharp teeth had pulsed in time with the beat of her blood as it flowed through her veins. It was an angry mark over her jugular.

The striking of a sour note upon the piano snapped me from my recollections, my torments. Unskilled and slow, the notes were plucked out. I recognized it instantly as Bella's lullaby. She was testing the keys of the piano, searching for the right notes. Over and over again she tried, starting at the beginning and adding the correct notes as she found them. Suddenly the music ceased and it was replaced by a sob.

I moved closer, unable to stop myself.

Bella sat at my piano. She was dressed in new clothing—a pair of dark skinny jeans and a bright turquoise sweater with a high neck. It was just another reminder of the damage that I had wrought to her body. I couldn't bear to think of the ways that I had most likely bruised her, but I knew that I had. I had been rough with her, too rough.

Suddenly Bella's head whipped around in my direction. There were tears on her cheeks and her dark, glittering eyes were searching. I knew that she couldn't see me. I was well hidden in the darkness. She stood up slowly, never removing her eyes from my general location.

She stood in front of the French doors silently, searching the encroaching darkness. Slowly, her hand stretched out and pressed against the glass. It was almost as if she was reaching for me, but she couldn't be . . . not now. Not after what I had done.

The pale shadow of moonlight danced across her skin, giving it a subtle glow and enhancing the translucency of her skin. Her veins stood out in sharp contrast to her porcelain skin and blood pulsed rapidly beneath the fragile barrier.

With shock I realized that my hand was stretched out toward her as well. I was struck by the differences between us. My hand was deathly pale and still. Foreign and lifeless. But Bella . . . Life and vitality radiated from her. I could feel the summer of her being buffeting mine from the shadows of my hiding place. It was beckoning me, calling me toward her.

I wanted to go to her. I longed to, but I knew more than ever that I didn't belong. The differences between us would never be overcome and though Bella would deny it—even now—I knew that they were too many.

I was the epitome of everything she hated—rain, dreary days without end, cold, wet, Forks . . .

This was what I was and this was all that I had to offer her. I was Forks. I was dullness and death, a façade of greenery and life that hid unending layers of rot and decay. I was frozen. I was stone. I was timeless. I was death. No wrinkle would ever mar my cheek. No stubble would grow upon my chin. No child would ever call me father. I was cold and lifeless, a barren tundra in her life. I was devoid of everything she needed and deserved. I was the antithesis of her every longing.

She was April—the beginning. She was spring—warmth and light and life and green. She was every color bold and bright. Her very presence ushered in the promise of all things new and wonderful.

I was October—the end of life, the end of warmth, ripe with barrenness and destruction. I was the herald of the end—blood red and pale and full of the blackness that consumed and defied the light. I was the devourer and she was my prey.

We were at the opposite ends of the spectrum, never meant to meet. She was everything that I was not and could never be. I was her inevitable end, and her candle could never melt the glacier that was my existence.

I was a pit that could never be filled, a bottomless grave. I was a yawning maw. I was a hungering stomach, never full, never satisfied.

She was my sun and I was her blackhole—cold, barren, ravaging, unquenchable. I would take everything she had to give, ruining her in the process until there was nothing left and I would still be left wanting. Always wanting, always consuming, satisfaction far from my reach—it was my very nature.

For the briefest of moments, I had thought that perhaps I could exist in her realm. For a moment, I had fooled myself. For a moment, I had reached for the forbidden. For a moment, she had been mine. For a moment, I had broken my boundaries. For a moment, there had been life springing forward from deep within. For a moment . . .

But all too soon, that moment was gone.

Like Spring, Bella had brought life to the barren reaches. With her warmth she had coaxed forth the bud of new life from dormant ground. For a time, I had been that ground, but her life was lost upon me, sucked into the fathomless depths of my inherent destruction. We were opposites. At cross purposes. For a time, I had embraced her, coveted her, consumed everything she so willingly gave, but I would not destroy her.

This was not the head knowledge of before, instead it settled deep within, into the hidden hollows of my barren and lifeless heart. A choking sound was ripped from my throat. Once upon a time, I had believed that Bella was my salvation, my redemption, never fully considering what I was to her.

I glanced at Bella again. I glanced at her hand and then my own. Slowly my hand fell to my side.

We were too different. There was no bridge that could overcome the divide between us—not without sacrifices on her part, terrible, unconscionable sacrifices.

I was weak. There was a monstrous part of me that wanted those sacrifices, demanded them, and I knew that it would obliterate every good and precious thing that was Bella, that it would end her—if I stayed.

There were no nomads to blame, no siblings with iffy control, no careening vans, no immoral criminals. No, there was just a knife and an apple and the most dangerous predator in the world—me.

I had endangered her. I would endanger her again.

Trembling ripped through my hands. My whole body began to quiver. I had failed her. My one constant was threatened. I knew that I couldn't protect her from who I was, what I was, any longer. I was a danger to Bella. I had always been a danger and I was fooling myself to think otherwise.

I glanced at Bella again. Her hand had dropped away from the panes of the door and now rested at her side. The anguish I had caused her was plain in every line of her tense, searching features. I tried to comfort myself with the knowledge that she would remain human as she should be and as a human she would inevitably forget me and move on to a life without me—a undeniably better life.

I swallowed back the pain of this knowledge, knowing that I could not let it take me—not yet. My gaze flickered upward and caught Alice's. She was standing in the window of her room staring down at me. Her little hands were clenched at her sides, and I could hear the grinding of her teeth from my vantage point. There was resigned indignation in her eyes.

"_It won't work,"_ she thought at me.

I shook my head slowly back and forth, letting her know that I would not change my mind. I had to do what was best for Bella.

"_You won't be able to stay away."_

I knew that she was probably right, but I had to try. I had done many things that seemed impossible for Bella's sake. This would be no different.

"_Edward, please don't do this,"_ Alice begged.

I winced, reminded of Bella's words to me earlier.

Our silent conversation came to a halt as Bella opened the French doors and walked out on to the deck that overlooked the river. I turned to flee. I couldn't face her. I wasn't ready.

"Don't go," Bella whispered.

I stopped and sighed.

"I know you are there. I can feel your presence. Talk to me," she begged.

Bella walked down the steps slowly and stepped out into the yard. Slowly she walked in my direction. I watched her progress, wanting her yet conversely hoping the she wouldn't find me.

"Edward," her voice broke, "Edward, please . . ."

My fists clenched at my sides and I slowly began to back away. I was remembering the last time she had uttered those words.

I needed to get away from her. Already, I could feel myself weakening. My longing and love for her compelled me to go to her, but by sheer force of will I resisted. I stumbled backward, my steps loud in the stillness.

For every step I took away from her, she took a step toward me. Her fearlessness and love awed and slew me at the same time. I wanted to speak to her. I wanted to tell her all the things that were in my heart—that I would love her forever, that she was my entire world, that this was for the best. I wanted to expose all the things I had hidden from her—my passion, my torment, my struggles . . . But instead I ran.

I watched Bella from Alice's eyes, taking comfort in the fact that Alice promised to care for her, to watch over her. It took everything within me not to turn when Bella collapsed into a heap on the damp ground. I watched as she clung to Alice, sobbing on her shoulder, her heartbreak evident in her every cry. Her agony resounded through me. It churned through my insides and beckoned me to return.

For the first time in nigh a century, I felt the sickening twist of nausea and long dormant bile rise in my throat. I hung my head in shame as my sister cursed me for being the coward that I had always been.

I thought about my time with Bella. It had been so short, so fleeting. I had wasted so much of it. Would it have been better to have never known her, to have never known this passion, this agony? I didn't know.

I flinched as Bella screamed my name. I saw how she struggled against Alice, now fighting what had been a comforting embrace.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Edward!" she screamed again.

I turned from her, clenching my fists at my sides.

Finally, I ran again. I ran deeper into the woods, the trees and undergrowth blurring past my form as I tried to outrun the torment of Bella's cries. But there was no escape. They were ringing in my head and in my heart.

Anger rose up in me and battled with the futility and agony of my sorrow. I didn't know how much until the red tinge of fury tinted my gaze. A large crack echoed through the stillness of the forest and the beast within roared in agony.

NO.

A reverberating crash sounded off in the distance as the hemlock I had uprooted crashed into its new home deep in the thicket.

NO.

Turning with a growl, I ripped up another tree and broke it in half, screaming in rage as I did. Another followed quickly and soon, unintentionally, I had cleared a new meadow. But this one was different than the first. Instead of a place of peace and sanctuary, this one was my torment, my Hell.

I had lost her.

No.

I had to give her up.

No.

I had to do the right thing for her.

No.

I had to . . .

No.

Yes . . . Yes.

I fought. I struggled vainly with myself, until it was settled, deep within my heart.

I pulled inward and let the pain consume me. I lay curled on my side retracted into the fetal position. I could feel the haziness buffeting me, but I would not let it have me, not yet.

The stillness of the surrounding forest mocked me with its utter emptiness. I felt the life around me, but it was still, quiet, mindful of the predator, the destroyer, in its midst. Even the trees were unmoving and the earthworms motionless in their homes in the secret depths. There was no breeze to disturb the static scenery. It was frozen like me. A still-life, a snap-shot, a flicker of a memory in a dying mind.

I reached out to the emptiness. I embraced it. I found kinship in it. I drew further into myself, digging deep for the strength to let Bella go.

The pulse that bound me to her faltered. Its live and electric energy wavered. Even now, I felt the beginnings of the separation between us. One by one the lights in my world dimmed, leaving nothing but unfathomable vacuum behind. The life that I didn't know I had experienced with her began to draw away; it began to whither. It was odd how I didn't appreciate it until it had left me. Darkness seemed to swirl overhead, its oppressive weight hanging over me, threatening to drown me in its depths, in its nothingness. I didn't struggle. I didn't fight it. I welcomed the emptiness that was now my life. I welcomed the gaping hole that had taken residence inside my chest. I needed it. I deserved it because I had failed her.

A deep shaking rose up from my center. I lay on my side and curled into the fetal position and let it overtake me. My whole body was vibrating, and the shaking continued, seeking to tear my physical presence in response to my inward thrashing.

My heart cracked and a strangled cry was ripped from my throat. It was raw and feral and full of agony that no words could express. I wrapped my arms around my torso, trying to hold myself together. Pain reminiscent of the burning lashed through my middle. It flickered and then roared to life, paralyzing me with the tormenting fire. I opened my mouth to scream, but no sound was uttered. The trembling wracked down my limbs, outward from my middle. My hands bunched into fists and I pulled them inward, collapsing in on myself. My feet flexed and twitched spastically as the spasms of pain and longing ravaged my body.

I floated timelessly. It could have been minutes, it could have been years before I felt the torment in my stone flesh slow and yield to the encroaching numbness. My mind was hazy, like I was awakening from oversleeping. I stretched, but I couldn't feel.

There was an odd, dull tingling that had taken over my body. It was like there was nothing. It was like I was adrift, cut loose from the moorings that held me steady in this life.

It was then that I grieved. Though I had known that this time would inevitably come, it had come too soon. I had thought that I had more time, that we had more time. The unfairness of this life swept through me. This was wrong. This was not the way it was supposed to go. Even though the logical part of my mind knew that this was the end as it should be, there had been a part of me—a hopeful, living, human part of me—that expected it to be different, that expected it to work out.

My heart caved inward, crushed by my failure.

I had been so close. We had been so close. Only now did I realize just how much I had lost . . .

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**Key Points from Chapter Four:**

* For a short time Edward's monster took over and he almost changed Bella.

* Edward has completely lost the little bit of trust he had in himself.

* Alice stopped Edward from changing Bella.

* Bella was able to sense Edward's presence.

* Edward finally finds the strength to do what he thinks is the right thing - leave Bella.

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**A/N: **Big shout out to the lovely **Katmom** for Beta'ing. Remember any mistakes are mine and if you hate it, well, that's on me too! ;) Many thanks to **Kejce, Belli486**, and **Bells. Just Bells**. for pre-reading this monstrosity and to everyone for helping keep the angst at acceptable levels. I'd also like to thank **LJ Summers** for being the wind beneath my wings!—and you know, for all her feedback! :)

As always, if you feel so inclined, I would love it if you left a review. Here's to hoping that I didn't screw the pooch too bad with this chapter! :) The angst levels may be a somewhat elevated for the next little while—such are the pitfalls when writing from Edward's POV—but they will be tapering off into the HEA I've plotted out soon enough.

Oh! Almost forgot! Musical Inspiration for this chapter and its title: _October and April_ by The Rasmus.


	5. Damned

**Fate Leads the Willing

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***Violent Content Warning***

I'm going to err on the side of caution and give a warning for violent content in this chapter. Someone (no, I'm not stating who) is changed into a vampire and the sequence is graphic and violent. Also, there is some discussion of Esme's human marriage and the abuse she suffered. If you are sensitive to such content or if it is a trigger for you, just drop me a PM and I will send you an edited version of the chapter or give you the basic summary, whichever you prefer.

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Part One- **_Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter Five - Damned**_  
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_I'm sorry for the demon I've become_

_You should be sorry for the angel you are not_

_I apologize for the cruel things that I did_

_but I don't regret one single word I said._

_..._

_Just walk away, make it easy on us both_

_Just walk away, there was never any hope_

_Just walk away, you already know the deal_

_Just walk away, pretend that none of this was real_

**~_Walk Away _by Five Finger Death Punch~**

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**Tuesday September 13, 2005 - Wednesday September 21, 2005**

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I sat alone and unmoving deep in the silent primordial forest. The agony of my now empty existence crashed over me, stunning me and holding me captive in its unrelenting grip.

The rising and setting of the dreary, cloud drenched sun was the only marker of the passing days. Time had ceased to have meaning.

Aching.

There truly was no other way to describe it.

Never had I felt my heart as acutely as I did in this moment. For the entirety of my immortal existence, I had believed myself to be heartless. I had lived nigh a century with its absence, but never had I been more aware of the yawning maw where that lifeless organ had once resided. In its place was nothing but pain—unending and acute pain. It swirled and stabbed and throbbed through my torso, pummeling me and sapping every piece of my existence into a black hole of nothingness. I knew this feeling. I had experienced it before.

Death.

It had come for me. Mercilessly stealing me away, devouring me, killing me slowly—for the second time—degree by agonizing degree. Not able to slay this immortal body, it had come for the only thing I had left. My heart . . . my soul. And it wouldn't stop until it had sucked dry my very spirit, exsanguinating all hope, leaving me an empty shell of a being. The king of my kind.

Tremors rushed through my body like a current. My breath fell from my lips in shaky gusts, which were loud in the unnatural stillness of the forest. It was difficult to draw the useless air into my lungs, but I continued to struggle, gasping and laboring fruitlessly.

For the first time in my existence, I was truly lost. The compass of my life had shattered. I had no direction, no meaning. Everything that I had lived for was decimated and laid to waste.

My mind was a miasma of memories and fantasies; my reality had become skewed. I relived every moment spent with Bella, every conversation, every look and touch between us. They passed before my eyes like the slideshow of a man's life as he journeys toward his final judgment.

I was stunned by the shortness of our time together. Bitterness swept through me at the unfairness, the cruelty of having to leave her before I was ready. My hands ached to hold her. My lips craved hers. My eyes longed for just one glimpse of her beautiful face.

It was in that moment, as I wandered the forests of British Columbia lost and despondent, when my need for her had reached unbearable heights, that Bella called me. I stared at the phone, her name blazoned across the small window centered on the face of the device, as it rang and rang. The shrill tone was loud in the stillness. I opened it silently, feeling like a man who had gained a reprieve at the last moment. I was afraid to speak, afraid to breathe.

I cradled the phone in my stone hands like it was the most precious thing in the world. Bella spoke to me rapidly, her voice husky and rough. I listened silently as she begged me to come home. I listened, hating myself, as she apologized, as she pleaded with me to _forgive her_.

A bitter lump rose in my throat, choking me. Angels shouldn't beg forgiveness.

Soon the apologies gave way to breathless reassurances. "Edward, I love you," she said, her voice pulsing with fervent passion. "It's going to be all right. We'll get through this. Everything is going to be okay. Baby, just . . . please," she gasped. "Please come home." Her voice had broken there, at the last.

A shudder rolled through me. _Baby_ . . . she had called me baby, as she often did when we were together in our most intimate of times. The pain and constriction in my chest eased slightly. Something about that silly endearment warmed me, made me feel almost . . . human. It made me feel like I belonged to her world, to this time. It always had.

Perhaps it was the way she would stare deeply into my eyes as she uttered it so sincerely. Bella rarely said things flippantly. Words were just too important to her. Or perhaps it was just the caring in her tone, in the way she would touch me as she said it. Her touch was loving, full of undeserved kindness and reserved passion that was just waiting to be unlocked.

I moaned quietly as another wave of desperation sweep through me. I was being pulled from this place of death and meaninglessness and being summoned home. Without meaning to, my body turned southwest and a small thread of peace whispered through my mind.

I sighed. Even such a minute action had the effect of a sip of water to a thirsty man.

"Edward . . . say something. Anything . . ." she was crying and it sliced through my will like it was nonexistent. At this point, it probably was.

"Edward . . ." her voice had trailed off into a deep and broken sob.

"I'm sorry," I breathed so softly that I doubt she heard me.

I listened as she cried, her every tear, every gasp like a fist pummeling my soul. Soon the heavy sounds of her cries lessened and her breathing regulated as she fell into a fretful sleep.

I jolted, dropping the phone when the first of her screams sounded across the line. My name rolled from her throat in an agonizing wail. "No . . . don't," she moaned. "Come back! Edward!"

"Bella," I gasped. "Bella!"

Quicker than I would have expected, I heard the thump of Charlie's footsteps in the hall.

"Sh, sh, shhh . . ." he soothed. "Bella, honey, it's just a dream. Shhhh . . ."

There was a rustling from Bella's end of the line. I imagined that it was from Charlie's efforts to calm his daughter. I winced as I heard the fumbling, static rasping of Bella's phone being jostled and picked up. A decidedly male hiss came though the line clearly followed by Charlie's sleep roughened voice murmuring, "Damned stubborn son of—" and then the phone clicked shut.

I ran a rough hand over my stone features and tugged at my hair. She was hurting. My mate was hurting…and it was my fault. An animalistic cry was torn from my throat and I punched the tree next to me causing it to sway wildly before it crashed into the ground with a thundering crack. I picked it up and tossed it into the distance with an angry shout.

I began to move, slowly at first, one foot in front of the other, but soon I was running. It wasn't my intention to go to her, but she needed me and my body had automatically responded, moving instinctively toward Forks.

Peace flooded my body with each step I took. For the first time in countless days, I began to feel alive. My mind cleared and the suffocating heaviness that had encompassed me from the moment I had run from Bella lightened. But as the familiar tang of salt, rotted vegetation, and damp filled my nostrils, my steps slowed.

I shook as I fought every instinct that was screaming at me to continue onward. I couldn't go home. I had to protect her. But by doing so, I was hurting her.

I growled as I stopped and turned in the opposite direction of Forks. I should leave, but . . .

But she needed me . . .

I couldn't leave her again. But I couldn't go back to Forks either. Caught between the two opposing forces, I was held immobile.

I had now traded my Canadian wilderness home for the familiar forests of the Olympic Peninsula. It was only a matter of time before my family found me. Was this the moment that Carlisle had warned me of? Would I fail so soon?

I was caught between two straits. Damned no matter which way I turned. If I went to her, I would endanger her precious humanity. If I stayed away, I would destroy her emotionally. My heart compelled me to return, but my mind forced me to stay away. They warred and struggled, ripping the fabric of my tenuous sanity to shreds in the process.

The draw to her was strong, but I fought it with every ounce of strength I had in my failing body. My hands were wrapped around my waist and my fingers dug unceasingly into my sides as I tried to keep myself from running back to her. Venom leaked from the gouges I had left in my flesh and stained my clothes, saturating them. And when the cloth could absorb no more, it dripped slowly to the hungry ground that was my resting place, poisoning it.

I closed my eyes and focused on the pain and the slow drip of my venom. The sounds of the forest, the rustling of the wind in the trees, and the distant highway noises dropped away. I did not count the passing of days, but I was sure that days did indeed pass. I thought that perhaps Bella would call again, but she didn't. I was left alone with the torment of my mind, the agony of my heart, and the constant burning ache of my wounded sides.

A gentle hand rested lightly upon my shoulder. I jolted violently, hissing.

"Edward," Carlisle sighed.

I turned my face away, unwilling to meet his steady gaze. He had been right. I had failed her. I just didn't think it would be so quickly. I bowed my head in defeat.

He crouched down next to me. "What . . . ?"

Carlisle reached out and lifted the tail of my shirt and assessed the damage that I had inflicted on myself. "Edward," he gasped, his voice full of sadness and displeasure. "What have you done?"

Gently he pulled my fingers from my left side, frowning as the remnants of my cellphone fell to the ground. It had been crushed between my palm and my waist.

I stared at it in horror. When had that happened? Was that why Bella hadn't called again? My lifeline to her was crushed. I began to tremble again. Would that be the last time I heard her voice? Would those horrific screams be the last tangible memory I had of her?

Pressing his palm against the wound to stanch the flow of venom, Carlisle murmured, "We've been trying to call you, but it's been going straight to voicemail."

The wounds closed quickly under the pressure of his hand. He repeated the action on the other side. My hands fell to my sides uselessly, clenched into finger breaking fists. The snap of my bones was loud in the stillness, but I paid it no mind. I welcomed this pain. I needed it.

Carlisle winced as he heard the breaks and stood slowly, staring down at me in blatant disapproval. His lips were pressed into a flat line and his eyes were dark and burning with anger. He opened his mouth to speak but shut it abruptly. His mind was full of recriminations and accusations, but instead of saying the things he wanted, he simply walked away.

He sat on the trunk of a broken and twisted tree. The silence of the forest enveloped us for timeless moments as he searched for the right thing to say, but there was only one thing I wanted to know from him.

"Bella?" I managed to croak out past the lump in my throat. _How long had it been since she called? Was she okay? Was she better? Was she worse? Did she still need me like I needed her?_

Carlisle sighed again, an image of Bella inconsolable and crying fresh in his mind. "She's . . . fine."

I hissed. I hated that word. _Fine._ Bella used it often and it always meant the direct opposite of what she was trying to convey.

"Don't insult me with generalities!" I snapped, irritated . . . and desperate for some news of her, any news.

"What do you want me to say, Edward? That she's traumatized? Heartbroken? That she's inconsolable because you left her without regard for her wellbeing or emotional state? Because you abandoned her? Is that what you want me to say?"

I turned away. He was right. I had done all those things, selfishly, willfully. The images in my father's mind were pummeling me. _She would improve if I stayed away,_ I told myself. _She would get better. She would forget. She would move on. She would be safe . . ._

But his memories of Bella's haunted eyes and sallow features burned me. How could I have done that to her? If she was feeling even the slightest portion of what I was . . .

"Do you want me to tell you how Alice had to wind a scarf around her neck and buy her shirts with high necklines so her father wouldn't see the abrasions you left on her neck, Edward? Do you want me to tell you how she will probably always wear them because your venom scarred her skin?"

My grief choked me, the sound loud in the stillness of the forest.

"Do you want me to tell you about her screams of agony when you abandoned her? Do you want me to detail for you how she cried? How she worried over you? How she is practically numb and catatonic?

"How about how she blames herself? Do you want me to tell you about that? Do you want me to tell you how she is refusing to eat? How she can't sleep? Do you want me to tell you what a wonderful eighteenth birthday she had? How about I detail for you how she doesn't even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning? How she's missed school? How she looks like death? Do you want me to describe the dullness of her eyes? The limpness of her hair? How ashen her cheeks are? How she whispered your name over and over all night long for the three nights that she stayed with us?"

"Stop," I whispered.

"Damn it, Edward," Carlisle hissed in frustration. "I warned you! I warned you that this would happen!"

"Is this what you are here for? Recriminations? A guilt trip? Do you want me to know just how right you are? Well, congratulations, Carlisle, I get it!"

I should have known. Carlisle never was one to leave an advantage idle.

He glared at me. "I don't think you do. Even now, I don't think you get it!"

"I have never 'gotten it' so clearly, Father. I'm trying to do the right thing!" I said, crossing my arms and burying my hands under my armpits to hide the extent of my condition from him.

"The right thing?" Carlisle's eyes flashed darkly with anger. "You think this," he motioned around him, "is the right thing?"

He pushed me. Hard. "This isn't the right thing." He pushed me again. "This is insanity. It has been insanity from the start and I have let this go on long enough."

I growled in warning, but he shoved me again. I stumbled backward, my back brushing against the trunk of a tree.

"Our family has been divided long enough. You will come home now."

"I can't," I whispered, holding onto my resolution to stay away from Bella by a thread.

Carlisle's eyes darkened and his countenance shifted, the lines of his typically pleasant face were hard and his clenched jaw stood out in sharp contrast. "You _can't_?" he whispered, his voice deathly quiet, "or you _won't_?"

"Can't," I replied shakily, reluctantly revealing the degree of my inability and indecision.

"Have you no care for how this is affecting our family, your mother? Have you no care for the danger that you have placed us in?"

"What danger, Carlisle? There isn't any danger . . ." I paused, reading his mind. "Is this about exposure?" I asked incredulously. "Bella isn't—"

"It's not Bella that I am worried about," Carlisle stated, staring at me solemnly.

Then I saw it. The Volturi. A bunch of crumbling dust buckets on the other side of the world. I sniffed in disdain. "The Volturi?"

Carlisle glared at me. "Don't underestimate them, Edward."

"How would they even find out about her, Carlisle?"

Carlisle sighed in exasperation. "Are you really so blind? Do you not know that they keep an eye on a coven of our size? Edward, they consider us a threat, and your mating to Bella would be just the charge that they would need to murder us all. It wouldn't be the first time!"

I glanced at my father in confusion.

He ran a hand through his light hair and shook his head. "You can't possibly believe that you and I are the only vampires in history to mate with a human. It's much more common than one would think. Usually, though, the human is changed before the Volturi become involved. Aro and Caius relish enforcing the law. Human knowledge of vampires is a death sentence, son."

I growled.

"And don't think for a second that Aro would just allow you to change her and call it all even. Let me assure you, Edward, that he will not! He will kill her at best or use her to manipulate you at worst. And no amount of friendship between our covens will make it otherwise. I've only seen Aro show mercy once in a case like this. _Once_, Edward, and believe me it didn't come without a high price."

"What do you mean?"

"Eleazar, son. Carmen was human when they mated. He begged for her life. _Begged._ I witnessed it. I was there when they were dragged before the Volturi for judgment."

I had only met Eleazar and his mate one time, but I knew that Tanya, in particular, had a fondness for the pair. I watched with growing horror as Carlisle unfolded his memories of Eleazar and his precious Carmen.

_Eleazar was forcibly shoved to his knees and held in supplication before three golden thrones by a meaty, giant vampire with burnished cinnamon colored hair. The guard was hulking and his crimson eyes were focused on the fallen vampire before him, bloodlust clear in the depths of his burning gaze. Eleazar's hands had been severed from his body and venom leaked from them slowly, staining the pale marble floors with the opaque and opalescent pool of his bodily essence. The shimmering liquid was streaked with red, remnants of his last meal._

_Eleazar's arms were spread before him in supplication, and he was pleading for the life of a small dark-haired woman who was held firmly in the grasp of a lithe, young female vampire who had wavy mahogany-colored hair and an evil gleam in her black eyes. She was thirsty. Never removing her eyes from their captive, she would sniff her neck and moan softly. _

"_Patience, Heidi," one of the robed figures admonished. _

"_But, Master, her blood . . ."_

_One of the leaders—a tall vampire with sharp, angular features, beady crimson eyes, long, dark hair, and a feral grin—stood abruptly and stepped off the dais. He approached the vampire and her human captive and placed a strangely gentle and fatherly hand on Heidi's shoulder. "I know, dear one," he said with a sigh. "Her blood is indeed sweet. Such is the nature of all of her kind. __**Cantanti **__. . ."_

"_Please, my Lord," Eleazar pleaded. "I beg of you."_

_The dark haired vampire turned with a hiss. "You beg? Now?"_

"_Aro, I implore you to spare her."_

"_You know the law, Eleazar." He shrugged. "Better than all of us, do you not?"_

_Eleazar's head bowed. "Yes, my Lord. I'm the guilty one, but she's innocent in this. Please . . . please . . . "_

_He pursed his lips and hummed noncommittally. "But she knows too much, old friend. I cannot break the law…not even for one as talented as you . . . unless . . ." He shook his head, turning his face away to hide the small smile that played at his thin lips. "No. I couldn't possibly . . ."_

_The ancient turned toward the woman who was held firmly in the unforgiving grasp of her captor. He gently caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers, smiling softly, almost paternally when she shrank away from his icy touch. _

_Carmen stood trembling, her teeth chattering loudly in the stillness of the gilded chamber. Tears were pouring from her eyes in thick streams. _

"_Her blood, Eleazar, does it not call to you?"_

_He sighed. "Like nothing on this earth, my Lord." _

_"Have you partaken?"_

_Eleazar hung his head in shame. "Yes," he said mournfully. "She cut her hand. I couldn't resist."_

_Aro smiled. It had a feral edge. "Yes, I see what you mean." He leaned in and sniffed her, his nose stroking up her neck. "__**Squisito**__," he sighed licking his thin lips slightly. "__**Assolutamente irrisistible**__ . . ."_

_Carmen stared at Eleazar, heartbreak evident in the dark blue depths of her eyes. Her lips moved in silent prayer._

_Eleazar held her gaze, unwilling to blink, unwilling to look away for even a moment. "Aro, please," he pleaded. "She's the only thing that makes this existence bearable."_

_Aro sighed, backing away. "Such a pity," he said with a shake of his head, eying Eleazar. "Such a waste."_

_Eleazar closed his eyes in agony, swallowing back his palpable disgust. "I'll serve, Aro. I'll serve willingly, if you spare her."_

_Aro's garnet eyes gleamed briefly._

"_The law demands her life," said a young blonde vampire seated on the platform. His voice was nothing more than a hissing whisper._

_Aro sighed. "True." He glanced at Carmen regretfully. "Felix."_

"_No!" Eleazar shouted as the large vampire stepped away from him and toward Carmen. "She has a gift!" he cried desperately._

_Every eye in the room turned toward Eleazar._

_Carmen shook her head frantically as she stared at her love, panicked._

_Aro held out a hand and Felix froze in his tracks. "A gift, you say?" His gaze slithered over her eagerly, assessing. "Powerful?"_

"_Yes, Master, it could be."_

_Aro smiled at Eleazar's supplication. "Tell me," he demanded._

_Eleazar closed his eyes in defeat, his voice barely above a whisper. "Truth."_

"_Truth?"_

"_She has the ability to make humans and vampires speak the truth."_

"_Is that all?" Caius sniffed._

_Eleazar shook his head sadly. "It's more than that. Others will innately trust her…confide in her. She can thwart deception, ferret out untruths, reveal conspiracies…"_

"_Fascinating," Aro sighed, subtly rubbing his hands together with delight. "Such talent . . . perhaps . . . hmmm . . . yes, perhaps . . ." he murmured. "Tell me, child, what of your family?"_

_Carmen stared at him with wide glistening eyes. Slowly her hand rose to her throat and she shook her head. _

_Aro took a step back and hissed. "You would deny—?"_

"_No, my Lord," Eleazar interjected. "She's mute."_

_His brow furrowed. "Mute you say?"_

"_Yes, Master. Plague swept through her village. It left her . . ." Eleazar glanced at Carmen with an implicit apology in his eyes. He cleared his throat and began again. "It left her . . . damaged."_

"_I see." He glanced down at Carmen's trembling hands and smiled gently. "May I, child?"_

_She nodded hesitantly and he eagerly clasped her hand in his own. Too soon his deceptively sanguine features fell into a frown. "Strange," he murmured, dropping her hand. "This sickness seems to have damaged her memories as well. Almost nothing of her early life remains. This is unfortunate."_

_Aro eyed Eleazar speculatively. "She was an orphan?"_

"_Yes, Master. __**Ospedale della Pietà**__ in Venice"_

"_**Ospedale della Pietà**__," he breathed, his excitement over her potential artistry becoming obvious. "Does she play?"_

"_The violin, my Lord, and quite masterfully."_

"_**È splendida!"**__ He clapped his hands together. "Come! We must hear her play! Santiago, __**il mio violino, per favore**__."_

_He disappeared and quickly reappeared bearing an instrument of unarguably fine quality and a bow. Aro held it out to Carmen with a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth and said with a small yet courtly bow, "If you would honor us with your gift, __**la mia piccola Sirena**__ . . ."_

_Carmen took the instrument from his cold, pale hands and glanced at her mate. He nodded at her once. She sighed, the sound almost nonexistent. _

_With a practiced movement, she laid a small cloth against the base of the violin and tucked it under her chin. She tested the tone of the strings and adjusted them slightly, tuning it reverently. Taking a deep breath and letting it flow smoothly from her lips, she laid the bow to the taut strings._

_The music flew from her skilled hands, filling the chamber with the sweet sounds of Vivaldi. The notes rose and fell with a solemn cheerfulness as she lost herself to the music._

_Aro's eyes fell closed, mimicking Carmen's as he was carried away into the rapture of the music. "__**La Stravaganza**__," he breathed reverently. "__**Magnifico**__."_

_The third vampire, older in features than the others with long dark hair and dark, vacant eyes who had, up until this point, not moved, spoken, or done anything to indicate that he was a useful member of the Volturi, twitched. Then he sighed, turning his head toward the music._

"_Marcus?" the blonde male questioned._

_Aro turned abruptly. "Marcus, brother! Isn't it lovely?"_

"_Delightful," he whispered, his voice rusty and failing from disuse._

_Loud gasps were heard from the guardsmen._

_Aro caught the blonde vampire's eye. "__**È il destino**__."_

_His eyes flickered toward Carmen and then back to his frozen, statuesque brother. He grimaced and then nodded at Aro._

"_It is decided then, my friends!" The music abruptly ended with a screech. "Come, daughter." Aro held out his hand. Trembling, she placed her hand in his._

_He tsked as she looked toward the ground, refusing to meet his intent gaze. "This shall not do," he chastised, eying her critically as he handed the violin back to Heidi. "Such beauty should not be hidden behind rustic clothing and a downcast demeanor."_

_Aro swept back the rough, undyed scarf that hid her hair and tipped her chin upward. Her hair, black as midnight, fell to her waist in long, spiraling waves. "There now. Exquisite. Her name, Eleazar?"_

"_Carmen."_

_He smiled widely, causing her to gasp. "Carmen," he said thoughtfully. "Fitting. The singer is a song*." Aro placed a gentle kiss upon her quivering hand, taking a deep pull of her scent before releasing it. "Alius!"_

"_Yes, Master?" A short yet handsome vampire with curly honey-colored hair, a somewhat paunchy stomach, and bright crimson eyes stepped forward with some trepidation, as if he had something to fear._

"_Would you honor us by blessing our dear sister with the gift of immortality?"_

"_Me, my Lord?" Alius asked with a frown._

_Aro turned with a frown. "Are you unwilling to do your master's bidding?"_

"_Of course not, Master. I-I just . . ."_

_Aro waved a hand dismissively. "On with it then."_

"_Master," Eleazar spoke. "Perhaps, I should . . . I mean . . . she is my mate after all . . ."_

_Aro tsked. "Nonsense, brother. Look at you. Your hands . . . such a travesty! Heidi, if you would help our dear Eleazar with his predicament."_

"_Yes, Master," she replied quietly, setting about reattaching Eleazar's missing limbs._

"_Alius," Aro said, motioning toward Carmen._

_The vampire shifted nervously. His eyes moving between Carmen and his master. He stepped around Carmen, circling her, deciding on the best way to approach her. Finally Alius stopped behind her, brushing her long hair from her shoulder and leaning in to breathe the intoxicating scent wafting from her skin._

_Eleazar growled lowly as Alius touched his mate, his eyes narrowed dangerously.  
_

"_**Nóstima**__ . . ." Alius murmured in his native Greek._

_Carmen jerked but remained silent as his teeth sliced through the muscles and tendons of her neck. His arms wrapped around her waist like iron bars, his fingers digging into her sides, opening deep wounds as his nails tore through fragile flesh and sinew. The snap of her ribs breaking was loud in the silence of the chamber. No immortal dared to breathe._

_Carmen's eyes were wide with terror, focused on Eleazar intently as tears rolled down her cheeks. He moved toward her, but Heidi intercepted him, holding him back with fiercely whispered words and a restraining touch.  
_

_Alius jerked her head to side roughly, ignoring the pop of her vertebrae as he bit deeper into her neck, tearing the wound wide in his thirst for her blood. He growled deeply, his eyes rolling back into his head._

"_Enough!" Aro snapped._

_Instead of releasing her twitching body, Alius clutched her closer, savaging her in his bloodlust._

"_Felix!"_

_Alius was ripped away from her limp frame, hissing and clawing and biting at his captor. His fingers grasped desperately at Carmen, breaking her arm and shattering her hands and fingers in the process. By the time her body hit the polished marble floor with a muted thwack, Felix had subdued Alius with a meaty arm around the neck and a dismembered leg._

_Once released by Heidi, Eleazar hovered over his mate's body, a continuous anguished growl rumbling in his throat._

"_Does she live?" Aro asked quietly._

"_Yes," Eleazar hissed. "Barely."_

_Aro leaned down, tilting his head to the side as he assessed Carmen's injuries. "Her heartbeat is strong, though the scarring on her neck is . . . unfortunate." He sighed, staring at her ravaged throat. Licking his thumb, he gently smoothed his venom over the wound, sealing it. As if hypnotized, Aro stared down at the blood coating his fingers. Slowly, and with a despondent huff, he wiped the crimson fluid on his dark robe. "The venom—" he began, but stopped abruptly and hissed furiously. "Her left hand? Her left hand!" he snarled._

_Carmen's left hand was twisted and contorted grotesquely, her pinky and ring fingers missing. Carlisle knelt down beside her, gently cleansing the truncated and ragged stumps of Carmen's fingers. _

_Carlisle frowned. "It's not clean, but perhaps . . . I'll suture the fingers back on. The venom should . . ." His words died in his throat as he met Eleazar's wounded eyes. He glanced down at Carmen's battered body. Thankfully she was unconscious . . . for the moment at least. "You shouldn't move her. Not yet."_

_Meanwhile, Aro flashed toward Alius, fire burning in his eyes and a snarl rumbling in his throat. He removed Alius' head without a word._

"_Remove that from my sight," Aro spat at Felix._

_There was a longsuffering sigh from the dais. "Aro . . ."_

_He turned with a furious hiss. "Cauis, what if she can't play?"_

"_Aro," Caius began again._

"_Disgusting pig of a vampire . . ."_

"_Aro, he was our best tracker."_

_Aro eyed Eleazar thoughtfully. "Well, we shall just have to replace him then. Isn't that right, Eleazar?"_

"_Yes, Master," he mumbled, staring worriedly down at his mate._

_Aro smiled fondly. "Well, you better hurry. I would hate for your mate to awaken alone."_

_What little color there was in his countenance bled from Eleazar's face. "Master?"_

"_Now, Eleazar," he said picking up his violin and situating it under his chin. "I shall play for your dear one. I would hate for her to forget in the midst of the transforming fire," he said as he began to play a haunting yet passionless sonata._

"_Go," Carlisle whispered, staring compassionately at Eleazar. "I'll stay with her."_

_Eleazar nodded. "Two days. I should be back in two days. There was a boy . . . in Crete . . ."_

_Carlisle laid a commiserating hand on his shoulder. "Godspeed."_

The memory faded into nothingness.

"Aro carried on playing the violin, attending to business as usual like nothing had happened, Edward. It was almost as if Carmen wasn't there broken and bleeding at the steps of his throne," Carlisle said, his voice husky with remembrance.

I said nothing.

"I want you to understand. Alius . . . Edward, he was the most vicious and bloodthirsty creature in the guard, and he was a liability. Aro knew this. He used it to his advantage. You need to know this about Aro, Edward. Even when he's generous, as he was that day, he's cruel and cold and conniving.

"And Carmen . . . Her hand never healed properly. We couldn't keep her still during her burning. Her condition was too precarious and she kept reinjuring herself while thrashing . . . And when the venom healed her voice . . . I'll never forget the way she screamed."

"Jesus," I murmured, running my twisted and cracked fingers through my hair.

"Aro's smart, Edward. Devious. Vicious. Having Eleazar as a part of his guard has given him more than he could have dreamed. Demetri, Anton, Renata . . . Alec and Jane joined two years later. Eleazar found them in Poland. And just like the grave, Edward, Aro will never be satisfied. He has Eleazar constantly searching for talented humans and keeping track of vampires that have refused his offers of service.

"The Volturi are not ignorant of you or Alice. Aro knew of you the moment he touched Eleazar's hand after he had met you for the first time. They watch us, Edward, and don't doubt for a second that Aro wants both of you for his collection. I have been deflecting his invitations for our family to visit Volterra for three decades now. He will use any excuse, of the slightest plausibility, to destroy our family and enslave you both." Carlisle sighed. "If Aro learns of Bella before we change her—"

"What do you mean 'change her?'" I exploded. Whether I lost my battle to stay away from Bella or not, she was staying human.

Carlisle tugged at his hair roughly. "Surely you see . . ."

"No!"

"Edward, we must change her. It's the best for everyone. You will have your destined mate, our family will be protected, and you will never have to suffer the torments of separation as I did . . ."

I was shaking my head vigorously. Change her? No. It was the last thing I wanted. I would never condemn her to the damnation that was this half-life. Never. Not even the threat of the Volturi could change my mind. I would gladly give my life for Bella's. They would never touch her.

"Edward, for the sake of your existence—"

"Damn my existence!" I shouted, backing away from him in horror. "And damn yours! Look at you," I hissed. "Look at us! We are monsters."

"We aren't—"

"Why lie, Father? Why? Do you think I don't see it? That I can't hear it in your mind? The bloodlust? The lack of compassion? And the fact that you cannot look upon Bella and see the worth of her human life, cannot see that it is worth fighting for, sacrificing everything for—!"

"I will not sacrifice my family or my mate for yours!" he hissed with fire burning in his suddenly black eyes. "We have voted, Edward. It has been decided. Either you will change her or I will do it for you!"

"When?" I asked, my mind spinning. I had to stop this!

"Friday. Two days from now," he said, his countenance cold and hard.

"Two days?" I sputtered, outraged. "Why? What happened?"

"Eleazar is coming for a visit. Alice has seen it. Aro asked him to check in on us and give his 'regards.' Bella's scent is all over the house. It's mixed with yours. It will be obvious to him that you have a human mate and when Aro finds out . . . if she is still human . . ."

"Then we leave," I blurted. "We relocate."

"And risk Eleazar coming to our Forks residence where he will catch Bella's scent and find us gone? When he knows of Alice's ability? It will make us appear guilty, like we are running."

"Then we call Eleazar and ask him to meet us elsewhere. Changing Bella isn't the only option!"

"Edward, you must see that it's the most logical."

"It's certainly the easiest!" I hissed.

"Ease has nothing to do with this. It is what is best for you, for our family, and it is what Bella wants."

"Bella wants a fantasy!" I interjected. "She has no idea what this life is really like. She has some romanticized version of the reality floating around in that locked mind of hers. Do I really need to recount for you the torment, the constant thirst, the bloodlust, the monster that lives within us all? You know better than all of us, Carlisle. I see it in you. The monster—how it rages, how it is sapping every last bit of humanity from your soul. You've forgotten what it was to be human. With each lifetime that passes, you lose more and more of your soul.

"You are playing at a game, constantly acting out something you no longer understand. The quintessential wolf in sheep's clothing. You observe them, heal them, fool them, Carlisle, but you no longer comprehend just how precious their lives are!

"Our minds and hearts are dying more and more each day—becoming just as hard and remorseless and frozen as the stone that encases what was once our mortal flesh! And with every memory that fades away, we lose vital knowledge of who we are. The truth is that with each day that passes, the faceless humans on this planet become more appealing and their lives are nothing compared to the bloodlust that rages within us."

"It is our nature to lose our humanity, Edward. It makes us more efficient killers," Carlisle said.

"How callously you state that! God forbid that the apex predators should have a conscience! Do you see what you have become? What you've made us all?"

"Edward, son . . ."

"And you want me to do that to Bella? I can't, Carlisle. I won't do that to her. I won't damn her—"

"Then you chose to damn us instead."

"We have other options!" I growled.

Carlisle shook his head and turned away with a despondent sigh. "Come home. Bella is miserable without you."

I watched as my father walked away. He was done discussing the issue and this was his way of letting me know that the subject was closed.

My mind sought desperately for an alternative. I had to stop him from doing this. I couldn't let Bella become as we are.

My intolerable circumstances had just tripled. I had to ask myself who was the lesser evil? Myself or my father? If I stayed away, they would change Bella into a monster. If I went to her, I wouldn't be able to leave her again and there was the distinct possibility that I would turn her myself in a moment of weakness. If I hid her away, she would live her life unprotected and separated from everyone who loved her. And if I came back to her only to abandon her again . . .

My every pathway was damned.

I stared after my father. He was the key. If I could force his hand, make it so he wouldn't change Bella…

My heart sank. I was going to have to do something reprehensible, something that he would possibly never forgive me for.

"I'll tell her if you do this," I whispered with a hint of desperation in my voice. "I'll tell Esme what you did."

Carlisle turned with a growl, his black eyes burning and his countenance dark.

"I'll tell her how you killed Charles Evenson, how you came home covered in his blood, how her husband didn't just disappear—"

Carlisle pounced, his lithe body crashing into mine. He pinned me to the ground, his forearm pressed against my throat and his knees digging into my abdomen. I knocked him back with a clumsy punch and scrambled to my feet. We circled each other, snarling and hissing as we normally would when grappling, but this was no game.

"You would threaten my bond?" he growled. "You would threaten my mate!"

He feinted to the left. I followed his movement.

"You leave me no other option, Carlisle. My mate, my choice."

"Your choice is suicide, you unreasonable boy!"

Carlisle rushed me and I twisted just out of his reach, dodging to the side. He whipped around and blindsided me with a left hook. I spun away from his grasping hands and kicked him in the gut, sending him crashing back into a copse of brambles and saplings.

"Stop this!" Esme shouted as she hurried into the clearing. "You stop this right now, the both of you!"

My father rose slowly, dusting himself off. Esme approached Carlisle and ran a soothing hand up and down his back. She whispered to him softly and he nodded, his head hung low. Her hand smoothed over his hair.

She turned her head in my direction and her eyes narrowed. "Alice sent me." Esme shook her head sadly. "Edward, I can't believe that you would use that against him . . ." she glanced at Carlisle, "I knew. I knew what you did for me and I was grateful. Charles would have killed me if you hadn't . . ." Esme paused, seemingly pulling herself together, and took a tremulous breath before beginning again. "I could feel you when you were near. That night . . . the night he disappeared, when he had left me bleeding and broken on the living room floor, I felt you. You took care of me?"

My father nodded, still refusing to look my mother in the eye.

"I could feel you watching over me. I felt you close by so many times. Sometimes I thought it was all in my head, but I just . . ."

Carlisle reached out and cupped her face in his large hands, then he pressed his forehead to hers. "I'm sorry I wasn't sooner, my angel."

Esme turned in my direction after a long moment. "Do you know why Charles beat me, Edward?"

"You don't have to—" I began.

"Do you?" she asked harshly.

"No, ma'am."

Esme grabbed Carlisle's hand and held it tightly. "I would cry," she said softly. "Every time I would lay under him, I would cry afterward—great sobbing tears. It just felt so wrong, like the most heinous of sins. I belonged to someone else body and soul and my heart knew it."

Esme quickly moved away from Carlisle and appeared before me, her soft hand smoothing my hair as she had done his. "I know that you think you are doing the right thing for Bella, my son, but you aren't." She wiped a streak of dirt from my forehead with the pad of her thumb. "You can't leave her alone, unguarded and unable to defend herself. Victoria is still out there and she will want revenge."

"Victoria won't be a problem. I'll end her if she steps foot in Bella's direction."

Esme smiled sadly. "Bella won't move on without you, Edward."

"She's human. Their memories fade . . ." _They would. I knew that they would._

She snorted. "Do you really think the bond is one-sided?"

My brow furrowed in confusion. I had never considered . . .

"Edward, my son, this is affecting her just as it is you—just as it did me when Carlisle left me. What I felt . . . the pain in my heart was . . . I was so empty. I hurt so much. Real, physical pain.

"When Charles offered for my hand, I thought it would help. I thought that it would fill the void, but it just made everything worse. Don't do that to Bella, son. Don't condemn her to loveless relationships. Don't condemn yourself to the agony and torment of watching her from afar. You don't have to suffer. She doesn't have to suffer. You are what Bella needs and wants, Edward."

I shook my head, my features showing the depth of my pain for the first time. "Bella doesn't know what she's asking. She knows nothing of this life . . ."

Esme took my hand and squeezed it. "She does."

"She doesn't," I replied sadly. "I haven't been honest. I've hidden things . . . things about who I truly am. I was afraid . . ."

"I know, but you should know that she's been reading your journals since you've been gone. And Edward, she asked us for this life. When she learned of your suffering and the threat from the Volturi . . ."

I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose. It was as I had feared. Bella was willing to give up her life to make mine complete. She was sacrificing herself . . .

I shook my head. "There are other options . . ."

Esme patted my cheek and sighed. "Edward, you have a noble heart, but it's time to come home. Bella needs you. She wants it to be your venom that changes her."

"I can't bite her—"

"She knows that isn't the way we do things, Edward."

I sighed. Carlisle had only bitten me—and he had nearly drained me in his bloodlust. After that he had instituted the practice of injecting venom. Esme had been first and then Rosalie and finally Emmett. Now my mate was in collusion to be the fourth. My fists balled at my sides. My mind raced. I couldn't let her do it.

"This vote, everyone was in agreement?" I asked carefully.

"Rosalie was the lone dissenter," Carlisle answered.

I nodded. Of course she was. She hated this life, and with good reason. "When are Eleazar and Carmen due?"

"Ten days."

"I need . . . some time," I said softly.

"Of course," Esme murmured at the same time Carlisle questioned how much.

"Just a day or two."

Esme glanced at Carlisle and he said, "We'll expect you back by Friday. Everything should be in order by then."

My parents turned to leave. I called out to them. "Carlisle, Esme, I'm sorry." They had no idea to what extent yet. "Goodbye."

Esme smiled, thinking that I had finally seen "reason," and Carlisle nodded once in my direction, his eyes hard. I knew that healing the breach in my father's and my relationship would be many years in the making, if ever. Especially after . . .

As soon as I was sure my parents were out of hearing range, I ran toward the highway, following it to the nearest convenience store, which thankfully was only a mile out of my way. I located the payphone on the far edge of the market facing toward the thick forest. Taking the receiver off the hook, I patently ignored the disgusting pattern of germs and filth on it, inserted two quarters, and dialed the last person who would ever expect to hear from me.

It rang once and she answered. I rushed to speak before she could. "Rosalie, I need your help."

.

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**Key Points from Chapter 5:**

* Edward is torn between several different options. He sees them all as bad, but picks the one he thinks is the least evil - going back to Bella and staying with her to protect her from his family's intention to change her.

* Carmen was Eleazar's singer and she was forcibly changed by the Volturi. Eleazar serves them in exchange for her life.

* Aro killed the vampire that he ordered to change Carmen in a fit of rage.

* Carmen has the ability to see truth and ferret out conspiracies and the like.

* Aro is sending Eleazar to check up on the Cullens. Carlisle is insistent that Bella be changed before he arrives.

* As the centuries have passed, Carlisle has become less and less in touch with the humanity he emulates. It is slowly slipping away from him and he no longer understands what it is to be human. This is the same fate that all vampires face as they age.

* Carlisle killed Esme's husband. Edward uses this knowledge to try to manipulate his father. He fails.

* Carlisle almost killed Edward in his bloodlust when he changed him. As a result, Carlisle has never bitten anyone else. They inject the venom instead.

* Esme reveals that the mating bond affects both the vampire and his human. She tells Edward that Bella is suffering on the same level he is.

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**.**

**Chapter Notes:**

_***Ospedale della Pietà**_ is a convent/orphanage/music school in Venice, Italy. It was founded in the early 15th century. Composer Antonio Vivaldi was the master violin tutor there from 1704 until 1740. It was famous for its world class musical instruction.

***Carmen played:** _La Stravaganza_ _Op.4 No.8 RV249 I. Allegro_

You can listen to it here: www[dot]youtube[dot]com/watch?v=hHvMVbOFfU4 (remove the brackets and replace the "dot" with the real thing.)

***Carmen:** The name is of Spanish etymology. Thought to be a shortened form of the name: _Maria del Carmen_, an epithet of the Virgin Mary at Mount Carmel (meaning: Vineyard of God). It also may have more folksy roots in the Latin _carmen_, meaning song or poem hence Aro comparing state of her: "the singer is a song."

_*** Nóstima**_: Greek, delicious.

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**A/N: **Many thanks to Katmom for beta'ing this monster. Thank you to Kejce and Bells. Just Bells for pre-reading. As always, any mistakes, plot holes, confusing elements, etc. are mine . . .

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For those of you who are readers of my story, That Girl, I have decided to extend it with a series of epilogues that will follow Edward's struggle as he watches his precious baby girl grow up and get married. The first of what will most likely be five extra chapters is up, if you are interested.

**PS.** My lovely beta has entered a fantastic story called **_Emeralds to Rubies_** into the PickAPic contest. You can find the story on her profile. Go read it, show her some love, and vote for her. She SO deserves it!

And as always, if you feel so inclined, I would love it if you left a review!


	6. Hello Goodbye

**Fate Leads the Willing

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*******Please read this A/N*******

I have stated previously that this story will part ways with canon. I think that I need to reiterate that. FLtW will depart from canon drastically and if you focus on its similarities, you may quite possibly miss the hints as to the true course of the story. I'm taking _Twilight_ in a totally different direction. It has an extended mythology/history and there are characterizations that will be decidedly non-canon and at times completely rewritten. Don't believe me? Well, I have a positively massive OneNote whiteboard that says otherwise. *grin*

If all goes well, this story will go in a direction that hopefully none of you have read before. I fully intend to twist canon into a pretzel, mislead you at times, and flat out leave you with some "holy shit, I didn't see that coming" moments.

FLtW is named after and based upon a quote by Seneca: _"Fate leads the willing and drags along the unwilling."_ It is at its heart about the ways in which various characters—not just Edward and Bella—have either embraced or thwarted destiny and how those choices, both right and wrong, have coalesced into one tightly woven string of shared fate that involves everyone and will unravel at the appropriate point in the story. Just know that sometimes what seems like Fate…isn't—even if the characters perceive it as such.

Also, take note of the fact that Edward isn't the only vampire that refused to change his human mate—it's important. Carlisle himself was so opposed to changing Esme that he stood by and watched as she married another man, only envenoming her at the point of death, and remember that Eleazar threw aside his devotion to the law to preserve his mate's humanity, only accepting her change when he had no other choice… So, perhaps Edward's reluctance is not_ just_ because he's a stubborn jackass but is rooted in something deeper…

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**Key points from previous chapter:**

Eleazar, who works for the Volturi, is coming to visit the Cullen family.

Carlisle is insistent that they change Bella immediately because the Volturi will kill them if they find Bella human.

Edward is determined to do _whatever_ it takes to stop that.

Carmen was Eleazar's singer and they both were dragged before the Volturi because he refused to change her. The change was forced upon Carmen in exchange for Eleazar's perpetual service. Carlisle witnessed this.

Edward threatens to reveal to Esme that Carlisle murdered her husband. Edward and Carlisle fight over this until Esme breaks them up, telling them both that she already knew.

Edward pretends to acquiesce to Bella's change, but calls Rosalie for help.

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**Part One—**_Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter Six – Hello, Goodbye**

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**

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_Come on, kid, why you running down every dead-end street?_

_You're picking up speed_

_Heading faster for disaster_

_Don't you know it's closer than it seems to be?_

_You're giving in and letting go_

_Seems far away but closer than you know…_

_**Come On Kid**_** by Josiah Leming~**

**.**

**Wednesday September 21, 2005**

**11:15 PM**

.

_It rang once and she answered. I rushed to speak before she could. "Rosalie, I need your help."_

After my request I held on the line, holding my breath and waiting for what seemed like hours for Rosalie's response.

There was a heavy sigh from the other end of the line. "Seriously, Edward? You called_ Rosalie_?"

I frowned even as I stuttered, "Alice? What? How?"

"I took Rosalie's phone when I saw you calling, of course." I could almost hear her rolling her eyes over the line. "You almost ruined everything, you know," she continued with barely a pause.

A heavy, unneeded breath passed through my lips. "You seem to be saying that to me often lately."

"Well, you seem to be screwing up a lot _lately_," she rejoined.

"What are you doing, Alice?"

"I could ask the same thing of you, brother dear."

"Alice…" I growled slightly, my patience at an end. I didn't have time for this. Since I had made the decision to go back to Bella, there was a clawing inside of me like a beast trying to rip its way out, and it was focused in the same direction that she was.

"I'm trying to keep you from making a horrible mistake, Edward."

I growled. "I'm not going to let them kill her, Alice."

"I don't expect you to. I was talking about trying to contact Rosalie, Edward. Why would you call her? I thought that you trusted me more than this…" The pout in her voice was almost palpable.

I sighed. More guilt trips. "I don't know, Alice, I mean _Rosalie_ didn't vote against me . . ."

"I just did what I had to do to protect you—and Bella—Edward. And you should know better than any of us that Rosalie doesn't give a damn about anything other than herself, and occasionally Emmett. Her vote was just another way for her to remind the family of how miserable her existence is and how much she hates this life. It has nothing to do with Bella's humanity. She'd snap Bella's neck and drain her dry without remorse if she thought it would benefit the family."

I winced. Alice was right, of course. I don't know what I was thinking.

"If you had seen the vision that I did . . ."

I could imagine. "It's like I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Alice. I'm trying to do the right thing for Bella, but—" I said softly, defeat coloring my tone.

"I'm trying to do the right thing, too, Edward," Alice rejoined. "I have been all along." There was something in her voice. A small catch, a hint of disquiet.

I sighed again. "It just seems like every choice is wrong for her . . . somehow."

"You need to talk to her."

"I know," I replied, my voice heavy.

"You need to tell her the truth . . . the reality of what she wants."

"I know. I'm trying, Alice. It's just that I'm not sure what's right anymore. Every possible path is bad. Some worse than others."

"You're right."

"What's going on, Alice? Did you see something?"

She sighed. "In a manner of speaking."

I frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It's . . . it's complicated."

I snorted. Of course it was complicated. When had anything involving Bella ever been simple? For so long it seemed that Alice was my only ally when it came to Bella. She would protect me from Carlisle's inevitable tirades, for the most part, helping me avoid him when necessary, and out of everyone in my family, it was Alice that had a true love and devotion to Bella . . . and not just me.

But there was another side to my sister. A side that saw Bella's unvarying fate as an immortal. How often had I seen it in her visions? How often had I seen Bella in her thoughts, timeless and never changing as the scenery shifted around her? Bella in a sleek convertible unlike anything on the market at this time, her hair blowing in the breeze. Bella wrapped in my arms, her face buried in my chest, in front of our home in New England. Bella running through some remnant of a primordial forest, almost blurry with speed, her laugh echoing on the breeze. Bella collapsed upon the ground, her crimson eyes glimmering with venom that would never fall as she cried tearlessly over her latest transgression . . .

I squeezed my eyes shut and dragged my damaged fingers across my jaw. I knew the burden of being a murderer. It wasn't something that I wanted Bella to ever experience. In Alice's visions, Bella would forever struggle with the torment of the bloodlust, losing herself in it like Jasper—never able to conquer and master it.

I would do anything to spare her that.

I rested my head against the cool metal frame of the payphone and groaned quietly.

"I'm here to help you, Edward."

My brow furrowed and my head snapped up. "Here?" I inquired harshly, suddenly scenting Alice on the surrounding breeze. Instinctively I turned to run.

"Don't," she hissed, her voice carrying on both the wind and the telephone line. "I'm so not in the mood to chase you right now."

"You better be alone," I growled, already knowing that she was.

Alice stepped into the waxing and waning light of the flashing portable sign. It was advertising the lowest price on beer and cigarettes in the Olympic Peninsula along with a two for one special on night crawlers and crickets. I glanced at the ramshackle station again, noting the half lit sign that advertised Jumbo's Pump 'n Go.

The gas pumps stood lonely and ancient under the flickering neon light of the overhead shelter. They looked like something out of the 1950s, rounded with faded red paint and oversized whimsical white on black numbering.

The surface of the parking lot was pitted and full of potholes, a mixture of pavement and gravel. Puddles dotted the rough and uneven surface.

Running the length of the building were weathered panels of what appeared to be yellowed asbestos tiles and a series of five large windows that were lightly tinted against the non-existent glare of the sun. Framed in the center panel was a stuffed brown bear that was hovering menacingly over an equally stuffed fox that was slinking toward some fake greenery. Beyond that were different displays of fishing poles and tackle boxes.

The store had long since closed for the night and the inside was lit by the muted light from the drink cases that lined the back wall of the store. An antique cash register sat on the counter that faced the front. The handles of the doors were intertwined with a rusted length of linked chain and a keyed padlock and they swayed against their loose prison with each gust of wind that buffeted the front of the decrepit building. A storm was building in the west.

Alice wrinkled her little pert nose in disgust, a look that only deepened as she took in my appearance. She was carrying a rumpled and slightly torn black garbage bag in her pale hands. The sight of her chic appearance mixed with nomad kitsch was something I found inappropriately humorous, considering my circumstances of late.

My lips quirked. It felt foreign, and I realized it had been a long time since I had smiled. She growled menacingly, throwing the bag at my feet. It just barely managed to miss a deep mud puddle, but the wet splat of the heavy plastic against the pavement echoed lowly in the stillness of the dark night. The moon was nearly full, but it was hidden behind a heavy mass of cloud cover that hindered its bright light and cloaked it, leaving a barely perceivable glow high in the charcoal skies.

"Get dressed and we'll talk," she ordered.

"Alice…"

"You'll terrify Bella if she sees you like that," she said motioning toward me, her lips twisting slightly. "I'm sorry I couldn't get something better for you than the things Esme had set aside for charity," she nodded toward the bag at my feet, "but I didn't want to rouse suspicion."

I shrugged and muttered, "It's fine." The clothes were practically brand new anyway.

I stooped down and grabbed the bag and turned toward the unisex bathroom at the side of the building. The door rattled against its restraints as the wind battered it. I easily broke the lock and entered the dingy cubicle, pulling the door closed behind me, but it refused to stay shut. Instead it wavered back and forth against the force of the wind, opening slightly and falling back closed with a slight banging sound ever couple of seconds.

The bathroom was as I had expected, dim and soiled. Against logic, I had been hoping that the overwhelming stench of urine was all in my head. Remnants of linoleum ran in cracked and worn strips over the length of the unsealed concrete floor. The worn edges of the covering were dirty yet smooth and damp with water seeping from beneath the defunct ring of the toilet that sat centered at the back of the wall. It was stained with filth and refuse. On the opposite wall beside the door was a porcelain sink. Water dripped from the faucet in a dribbling stream and there were rust stains following the trail. Above, the florescent lighting flickered annoyingly.

I winced as a stared into the mirror. It was broken and a large crack ran like lightning from the top to the bottom, dividing my face in two. It was a profound example of the duality of my nature. I had long been two men, even before Bella had come into my life. The question was increasingly becoming which Edward was the true one. I wasn't sure that I knew any longer. Bella had turned my world upside down, and it would never be right again.

With a sigh, I dropped the bag in my hands onto the floor beside my feet before bracing my hands on either side of the sink. Strangely, I felt tired . . . if a vampire could feel such a thing. What I wouldn't give to tumble into Bella's bed and sleep.

_What was I doing here? How had it come to this? How had __I __come to this_? I wondered, and not for the first time.

I glanced in the mirror again, really looking at myself. It was hard not to flinch away from the projected image.

My hair stood on end, dark with dirt, and my shirt was stained with venom and ragged holes were ripped into the sides. I glanced down. My jeans were caked with mud up to my knees and torn in places.

As I turned the faucet on, there was a sharp and piercing screech. It was loud in the stillness of the room. A hiss of air escaping the pipes and a short "glug" came from the sink but no water excepting the constant drip poured out. I sighed, realizing that there was no hot water in this place. My eyes darted to the empty soap dispenser and the surprisingly full paper towel bin. I guessed that it was something at least.

I quickly turned on the cold water, hoping for more than the incessant trickle, and after timeless seconds and with a distinct bang, a rusty brown dribble of water ran from the wide mouthed spout. It was a thin stream at first but it picked up speed and density quickly. I was happy to note that the water had also cleared.

I thrust my cracked and broken fingers into the deluge, ignoring how the water splashed on my shirt as it poured into the sink full throttle. I suspected that the flow of the water was either feast or famine, everything or nothing. It quickly washed away the venom and pink remnants of my last meal, which I found strange because I hadn't hunted since before the incident in the meadow. Once my hands were clean, I straightened the breaks with a hiss and a wince. The wounds closed quickly after my fingers were realigned.

Removing the remnants of the shirt, I threw it over my shoulder and bent downward, dipping my head under the water and using my fingers to free my hair of the various tangles and the debris that littered it. I smoothed back the slick strands as I straightened and cupped my hands under the water, splashing it over my face and using my shirt to wipe the smudges of dirt from my features. I then wetted the arm of the ruined garment and used it to clean my chest, arms, and the back of my neck.

I was loath to remove my shoes and stand on the filthy floor of the bathroom, but I really didn't have a choice as changing my pants was a necessity. Having a flash of inspiration, I removed the contents of my pockets and set them to the side. Then I tore the dirty pants from my body, using them as a barrier between my feet and the floor, and then slipped off my boots quickly. They were waterproof, so I thrust them into the stream of water and rubbed away the mud and gunk that clung to the tread and edges of the smooth leather before setting them off to the side.

Once I felt I was as clean as possible without the benefit of a shower, I squatted down and began to rummage through the cast off clothing that Alice had brought me. I hissed as my fingers came into contact with a worn and ultra-soft material that was all too familiar. My eyes narrowed as I dragged my favorite Nirvana shirt from the fray. It was a depiction of Kurt Cobain's rendering of Dante's Vestibule of Hell. The black color of the t-shirt had long before been worn to a soft charcoal gray from repeated washings; the logo was cracked and yellowed with age.

I stood up and shook out the wrinkles with a growl. Esme hated this shirt, so it shouldn't surprise me that she had tried to get rid of it at the earliest opportunity. She said the slogan on the back was crude. A wry smile twisted my lips. As one of Cobain's more colorful insults, I supposed that she was right.

Tugging the shirt over my head, I smoothed it across the flat planes of my stomach and sighed. If I was going to Hell, I guessed this was the appropriate shirt to wear as I made my way there. I quickly traded my ruined jeans for a black pair, pulled on a cream colored long sleeved shirt, rolling up the sleeves several times, and slipped my boots back on, sans socks. With disgust I tossed my ruined clothes into the beat up metal trash can by the sink and dropped a wad of paper towels on top of the garbage before dragging it outside.

Alice's lips twitched when she saw what I was wearing. "I must say, Edward, very 1990s…"

I snorted. "I liked the 90s."

She rolled her eyes. "Nothing but combat boots, holey clothing, and sloppy t-shirts." Alice shuddered delicately as she said this.

I smirked. I still was partial to my old combat boots and sloppy t-shirts.

I dragged the trash can to a clear area near the side of the building that would be hidden from the highway and pulled a lighter out of my pocket. I set the flame to paper towels, watching as the fire flickered and then quickly took hold. The light smoke turned a dark purple as the flames reached the tattered edge of my old shirt and the remnants of venom combusted. Soon the refuse was blazing. Digging through the garbage bag, I pulled several t-shirts, two pairs of jeans, and a dark blue button down shirt out and slung them over my arm before dropping the rest into the fire. Once the bag was emptied of the clothing I didn't want, I placed what I was keeping in it.

As I pulled my wallet from my back pocket, Alice frowned. I glanced down at the identification sadly. Edward Cullen; birth date, August 5, 1987—a lie, of course, my birth date was constantly shifting to match my fake lives; Caucasian; eyes, brown—it was the closest the DMV could match it to; height, 6'2"; weight, 172 pounds.

I threw my license into the flames. Next was my Social Security card and then Edward Cullen's credit cards. I was no longer that man.

Alice stopped me as I reached for my second set of identification: Edward Masen. "Don't. You'll need that one . . . in addition to this." She handed me a set of passports. "It won't divert them for long, but it'll buy you time."

I nodded grimly and flipped the first one open. Mason Anthony. I'd had Jasper's guy make it just in case. I kept them underneath the backseat of the Volvo. It figured that Alice would know that I kept them there. I flipped the second one open. Marie Anthony. Our licenses were clipped to the back, along with a sleek black credit card in that name and three thousand dollars in cash. According to our licenses, we were twenty-one.

"Thank you, Ali."

I fingered the band that encircled my wrist, my thumb brushing over the crest sadly. Alice's heartbroken gaze met mine.

"They'll find it tomorrow," she said quietly. "They will track your scent from Bella's house to here when she doesn't show up at school tomorrow. This is going to break Esme's heart."

"Alice, I have to protect them . . . " When Carlisle found the remnants of the family crest, he would know what it meant. He would understand that I was leaving the coven.

She bit her lip, her eyes bright with venom.

"If I'm no longer a . . . Cullen . . . " My voice broke and I cleared my suddenly clogged throat. I had not expected how difficult it would be to utter those words. "When . . . if the Volturi come, the punishment of it will rest solely on me . . ."

Her hand came to rest over mine, stilling my restless fingers. I would be a man without a family. A wanderer. A nomad. There was no turning back once I did this. I knew it. Alice knew it.

The pain of the impending loss of my family was devastating. The breath fled from my lungs and my knees weakened. It was like I was being gutted. Somehow I doubted the aching pain in the vicinity of my heart would ever dull.

I thought of Esme and the strength of her hugs that seemed like they could protect me from any pain, and I thought of my father, Carlisle, and the humanity he struggled so hard to maintain.

I remembered how I had never beat Jasper in a fight—because the prick liked to cheat. He argued that since I used my gift, he could use his. How often had I seen his lips twitch with humor as he blasted me with waves of fear strong enough to awaken a primitive flight response while he beat my slobbering, panicked ass into the ground? More times than I'd like to remember. It was a little hard to pull together an effective defense when you were sobbing and begging for mercy like a sissy . . .

I thought of Rosalie, how she was when she first came to us, so broken. I remembered the stubbornness and determination that carried her through until she found something worth living for in Emmett. I remembered the way Emmett would always guffaw loudly when we drove past this gas station. _"Jumbo's Pump 'n Go," he'd cackle, "sounds like the name of a whorehouse, don't 'cha think, Eddie?"_

A small smile tugged at my lips.

"You thinking of Emmett?" Alice asked quietly.

"Yeah," I said, my voice low and melancholy. "He used to make fun of the name of this gas station all the time."

Alice giggled, the sound strangely strangled and sad, instead of its typical joyous ring. "Jumbo's Pump 'n Go, the best place to Olympic your peninsula!"

"Jumbo's Pump 'n Go, two for one crickets on your night crawler…"

She snorted and it turned into a sob.

Our gazes met and everything stilled around us. Alice's mind was full of memories of our family. The year we spent in Siberia. Emmett and Jazz chasing penguins because they wanted to see if they tasted like chicken. The family cheering loudly as the Dean fearfully shook my hand and congratulated me on my Bachelor's degree in Folklore and Mythology. Emmett always referred to it as my "supernatural psychology degree."

Next was Jasper hitting a baseball so hard that it shattered that ash wood bat when the bases were full. We never did find that ball. Jazz had thrown Alice a kiss and strutted around the bases slowly, loudly proclaiming that "what his girl wants, she gets!" Alice had won the right to dress Rosalie, Carlisle, and myself for the rest of eternity when we had lost that game. I still haven't forgiven her for that year I spent in platform boots. But she had made her point. Never bet against Alice.

"Tell me I'm doing the right thing, Ali. Tell me that the family will be safe."

She stared unflinchingly into my pained gaze. "They will."

My eyes fell briefly closed as my heart clenched with a mixture of relief and sadness. "When it's safe . . . when you can, tell Esme . . . tell her that I love her and that I'm sorry."

Alice nodded.

"Look out for her, Ali."

"I will," she promised. "Edward, I just . . ." a sob tore from her throat, "I just want to say that no matter what, you'll always be my brother."

Quickly Alice flung herself against me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I tried to pull back, but her hold tightened. "Alice . . . Ali, they'll smell me on you."

"The rain will wash it away," she whispered.

I hugged her closer and she turned her face away while I dropped my last tie to the Cullen coven in the flickering flames of the fire.

"Where will you go?"

"I was thinking Chicago, at least for a day or two. There's a man there I need to see."

"Could be dangerous."

"I was hoping that Carlisle would think that it would be too obvious and rule it out. You know, like Bella with Phoenix."

Alice paused thoughtfully. "Could work. Hmmm . . . yes. I was going to suggest Denali, but that's the first place our father will look. I think you are right about Chicago."

"Denali!" I shook my head fiercely. "Bella isn't going anywhere near Tanya." _And that was final._

"Edward, hear me out."

I crossed my arms across my chest.

"You and Bella will need a safe place to go after Chicago. Tanya can provide that."

"And bring the same danger that I'm trying to spare our family down upon our cousins?" I asked incredulously.

"Edward . . ."

"Alice . . ."

"I don't know why, Edward, but she is going to help you and Bella. No matter how the circumstances change that is constant. The danger is—"

Alice grimaced and grabbed her head, wincing. Suddenly my mind was filled with a miasma of swirling visions. It felt as though it was pulling me down into a never ending vortex. I grabbed my head, mimicking the actions of my sister.

_A length of silver watch chain . . ._

_A woman's hand resting on a man's chest . . ._

_A dark head shaking slowly back and forth . . . _

_A flash of red . . ._

_A lock of dark hair falling . . . _

_A gut wrenching cry of pain . . . _

_A pen scratching quickly across a piece of linen parchment . . . _

_A man whispering that he was sorry . . . _

"Alice!" I turned my face away from her, inanely hoping that it would somehow stop the influx of images. "What the hell was that, Alice?" I shouted, backing away from her.

"I don't . . . I don't . . ." she gasped, as another wave of visions washed over her. "Oh," she cried, grimacing.

The mass of images became blank and then turned gray. I heard a voice as if from a distance.

"_You have long served my family, but I must beg your indulgence in one last thing . . ."_

_The gray mist cleared from my vision and was replaced with the worsted wool fabric of a dark overcoat. A chain was threaded through the middle buttonhole of a light colored vest and was held in place by a nickel-sized representation of an intricately carved wooden snake that was coiled into an open circle, its head swallowing its tail. Across the back of the snake were runes carved in such a way that it depicted scales. The wood was oiled and dark, obviously antique._

"_My lady," a deep masculine voice without a hint of an accent began. "You know not what you ask of me . . ."_

"_I know better than most," came the clipped reply._

_I saw a flash of curly dark hair and a full beard as the man pulled a disk-shaped reddish orange carnelian intaglio from a small pocket on the left side of his vest instead of the pocket watch I had been expecting. The gemstone was intricately carved and the outer edges were encased in a hammered and pitted setting of silver and he held it dangling before him, allowing it to twist slowly back and forth. _

_On the face of the stone was a raised relief of a detailed palm tree laden with conical shaped cones on the outer edges. Atop the tree sat a winged orb that overshadowed it. From the base flowed four rivers. In the center of the waters sat a stylized representation of a dog with sharply pointed ears and a curled tail. Flowing like roots from the tree to the base of the amulet, the streams seemed to fall off the edges._

_The stone turned slowly revealing a sunken relief on the other side. The lines from the front flowed upwards across the opposite side of the stone, converging into a writhing mass of horned serpents. Their teeth were bared and their forked tongues flicked menacingly as two of the creatures twisted up the legs of a nude woman with long flowing hair._

"_This is our very existence," he said slowly. "It is everything we strive for and are, yet you ask me to betray that. To betray my sacred trust…to dishonor the only family I have left to me…"_

"_Yes," she whispered._

"_My Lady . . . no. No," he repeated with a shake of his shaggy head._

_A gloved, feminine hand rested lightly against the man's chest. "I wouldn't ask this of you if there was any other way . . ."_

The vision flickered and faded away.

I blinked rapidly. Alice stood beside me, clutching at her sides and gasping.

"Was that you, Alice? Was that your past?"

She shook her head slowly back and forth, her elfin features pained. "I don't know, Edward. I just don't know. But something . . . something has changed. When you decided to stop Bella's transformation, to take her away from Forks, something in the destiny of our family shifted. The visions became clearer, stronger."

"Something bad? The Volturi?"

"No. Not the Volturi. This is . . . well, I don't know what this is. I don't know if it's past or future. I don't know if it's me but, Edward, if there's even a chance that I can recover who I am . . ."

Alice's face was desperate and she ran a careless hand through her hair. "Whatever it is, it seems that Bella staying human is the key. In any future where she is changed, these visions disappear."

"This isn't the first vision, is it?"

"No," she replied softly.

"How long, Ali? How long have you been seeing things like this?"

"The flashes?" Alice turned her face from me and stared at the tree line in the distance. "Since Bella came into your life."

"Ali," I hissed incredulously. "And you hid this from me?"

Her arms folded across her chest. "You have to understand. I was afraid. They were nothing but snippets, nonsensical images. They just came to me. I have no control over them and as you could tell, they are overwhelming and painful. It feels like something is ripping out part of my brain when they come. I didn't realize at first that it was Bella that was causing it. It wasn't until her future shifted with your decision that I realized that she was the catalyst."

"And you used your visions of Bella as an immortal as a shield to keep me out of your mind. You used the images of her murdering hundreds of innocent people in her bloodlust over and over again to protect your secret . . ."

"Yes." She sounded ashamed. As she well should.

"I had to watch Bella kill because you refused trust me?" I whispered. "I had to watch myself hold her as she cried, as she tried to leave me because she was so ashamed of her lack of control. I had to watch myself enable her until the day that I finally joined her in the blood sport because she was my mate and I had no other choice!" I hissed, my voice rising in anger and volume as I spoke. "I had to watch as we became remorseless, red-eyed fiends! Monsters! Conscienceless hunters of that sweet, innocent blood. The younger the better, right?"

"Stop," she whispered, begging. "Please, stop."

"Goddammit!" I yelled, kicking over the trashcan. I watched as it crumpled and toppled, spilling the half burned contents across the pavement in a shower of ash and sparks. The flaming refuse sputtered and hissed as the perpetual damp of the pavement soaked into the charred pieces of paper and cloth and extinguished the fire.

Alice flinched. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? Was it even true or have I been fighting to preserve Bella's life because of an elaborate scheme to keep me out of your head? Should I just let Carlisle change her and finally have someone to make this fucking pathetic thing we mockingly refer to as life bearable? Because you know what, Alice? I want it. I want what you and Jasper have, what Carlisle and Esme have. I want to really hold her, Alice. I want to be myself with her and there's a part of me that screams for her change and it's constantly wrestling with the other side of my nature that rebels at the very thought—that rebels against reason and _sanity_. You know . . . know what a torment it is to keep her human. It's slowly destroying me! So you tell me, sister, tell me if I should be selfish and give in despite the fact that I would be damning her for all eternity! Tell me if I should betray the convictions of my heart. Tell me if the visions were true. Tell me who I should be, Alice—man or monster—because I think I deserve the truth for once!"

"It was true," she said after a long pause, her eyes glistening with venom. "All of it was true."

My eyes fell closed and the fight rushed out of me as quickly as it had flared up. "And the extent of it? Did you exaggerate it?"

"No . . . it was worse than what I showed you."

"Worse? How could it possibly be worse?"

"She risked exposure. Carlisle banned her from the family . . . and you followed her."

Of course I did. She was my mate. Regret filled me. Perhaps if I had revealed to Carlisle the full scope of Alice's visions things would have been different. But Carlisle believed that we could protect Bella from herself. He believed that the visions were just part of her newborn phase and it would eventually pass. As he had so blithely put it, "Alice's visions change according to the decisions that people make. If Bella was properly prepared for her change and well-guarded, I'm sure that things would be different." Perhaps he was right, but I couldn't take that risk. Not with Bella. There was one thing my father had never understood for all of the wisdom his age had brought him, and that was that sometimes it seemed that no matter what decisions people made, they were just _fated_ to destruction. . . .

"I'm assuming that we were killed by the Volturi?"

Alice looked down. "Yes."

"If Bella stays human, I lose her to either death or those tyrants in Italy. If I change her, I lose her to the monster as it consumes every good and beautiful thing about her until I'm beholden to nothing but a shell of what she was. Yet even then, I still lose her to the Volturi. No matter what I do, Alice, I lose," I shook my head slowly back and forth. "I lose," I murmured lowly.

"Don't, Edward." Alice shook me hard, jarring me from my dark thoughts. "Don't you give up on me! You and me, brother. We are going to find a way. For you, for Bella, and for me." She glared at me fiercely. "There's another path."

"These visions of yours?" I shook my head. "No, Alice. That's your path, not mine. Not Bella's."

"Don't you see? It's Bella's human state that sparked the visions in the first place! It's connected."

"Bella's an eighteen year old human girl and you have been a vampire for nearly a century. How is there a connection? What you are experiencing is probably just a manifestation of the latent gift inside her. She blocks my mind and has opened yours . . ."

Alice frowned. "No. It's more than that. With the decision to keep her human, the visions have changed . . . increased . . ."

"How can you be sure, Alice?"

She gnawed the corner of her lip, worrying it between her teeth. "I can't, Edward, but I just . . . _know_ that it's more than that."

"Have you seen anything else?"

"Just a jungle. There were people there, small and darkly tanned with facial tattoos and piercings. I'm thinking perhaps South America or somewhere in the Pacific islands. They were talking and I feel like I should know the dialect, but it eludes me somehow. There's a man there. He has this riotously curly brown hair and it's streaked through with blonde. His eyes are this stunning aqua blue and they shine like jewels. It's like he's looking right at me and he smiles beautifully and says something I can't hear as he throws his arms wide in welcome. I don't know what it means . . ."

"And you don't know this man?"

"Somehow I should, but it's just blank."

"Alice . . ."

She grabbed my wrist. "I know it's not much, but this is just the beginning. I understand that you feel betrayed, and it's my fault, Edward, but I'm here and I'm on your side. Until the bitter end, no matter what may come."

"It most likely will come down to our ashes. You do realize that?"

"Then so be it."

"Alice, I'm danger to you."

She sniffed. "You are more of a danger to yourself and Bella without me."

My lips twisted slightly. She was probably right.

"I've got your back, bro . . ." She held out her fist like she wanted a bump.

I tried to hold it back, but my head dropped and a short laugh burst out from between my lips. "Been practicing channeling your inner Emmett, I see."

"You know it! Now bump my fist, and for once in your miserable existence trust in my superior intelligence as a woman and believe that I know what the hell I'm doing."

"Even when you don't," I grumbled.

Her fist bounced slightly in front of me as she silently demanded that outward sign of solidarity. I touched her fist lightly with my own.

She rolled her eyes and sighed quietly. "You act like you're going to break me or something."

"Well, you are mated to the only vampire in existence that can kick my ass."

"True."

"Of course, that's only if he cheats . . ."

She laughed. "Well, just know that he learned everything he knows about cheating from me." I could see in her mind that it was true. "And I have the feeling that we are going to test my skills to the limit!"

"Well, Alice, if there's a vampire out there that can thwart fate, I'd put my money on you."

.

.

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**Chapter Notes: **

***Carnelian** is a semi-precious stone that is reddish orange to blackish-red in color. It's a variety of chalcedony and is commonly used for carving in jewelry, especially in ancient times.

*An **intaglio** is a type of carved or engraved jewelry, typically of semi-precious stones. The term can also be used to describe raised relief type jewelry such as cameos. The intaglio in Alice's vision has a raised cameo on one side and is engraved on the other—a very unusual combination.

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**Key Points of Chapter Six:**

* Alice has seen Bella struggling with her bloodlust in the same manner that Jasper does—never able to conquer it. This is the major reason why Edward is so against changing her.

* Alice has hidden the visions she has been having behind visions of Bella as an immortal. This has been a torment to Edward because he daily watched the woman he loves lose who she was a she lived out her existence as a vampire.

* Even though Carlisle knows of the challenges Bella could face as a vampire, he still believes that changing her is the right thing and that with proper preparation and guidance, Alice's visions of Bella's future can be thwarted.

* Alice is having "visions" of what might be her past and has been since Bella came into the Cullens' lives, but she has hidden this from Edward. When Edward decided to do whatever was necessary to stop Bella's change, the visions became longer and clearer than they had ever been before. Alice believes that Bella is the key to unlocking her past.

* Edward has cut all ties with the Cullen coven, essentially leaving the family, because he believes that by doing so it will protect Carlisle and the others from the wrath of the Volturi if they become involved.

* Alice is determined to find an alternate path to save her brother and his mate—no matter the potential danger.

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**A/N:** Whew! So a lot going on in this chapter—a little more insight into Edward and why he is fighting so hard and what about Alice? Thank you for sticking with me through all the angst. I've laid a massive amount of groundwork in the last two chapters and they are probably the two most important in the story so far. If all goes well, reunion next chapter . . .

I'd so love to hear what you are thinking. And if you haven't read the author's note at the beginning of the chapter, it's important that you do so. I apologize for the length, but I didn't really have a choice. :)

Many thanks to **Katmom** for the lovely job she does beta'ing—always managing to catch it when I leave out a word that should be there and setting me straight on my wonky grammar. *hugs* As always, any errors, plot holes, etc. are mine and mine alone.

If you feel so inclined, I'd love it if you left a review.


	7. Storm

**Fate Leads the Willing**

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**A/N:** Remember this is not _Twilight _canon—not in the slightest—and we are coming up on some of those secondary character alterations I mentioned previously. If you get confused or need some clarification on the details, just let me know and I will answer your questions to the best of my ability.

Thanks again for putting up with the very necessary hiatus I had to take from writing. Like I said on my profile, spring and summer are terribly busy here. I haven't abandoned the story nor do I intend to.

Thanks, as always, to the incomparable Katmom for waving her magic wand over this chapter.

**Recap:** _So, our venerable hero is having some pretty nasty symptoms thanks to his mating with a human…at least that's what Dr. C thinks. Bella accidentally cuts herself in front of Edward in their meadow and he loses it, almost changing her; therefore, he scampers off into the wilderness without even a by-your-leave. Carlisle confronts him about a week later and tells him that they are going to change Bella because some agents of the Volturi are coming for a visit, using his memories of Eleazar and Carmen before the nefarious Aro to great effect. Edward and Carlisle fight, kicking up a bit of dust in the forest, and Esme stops them. Edward pretends to agree to Carlisle's plan, but instead plots to get Bella out of Forks because he is so against her change. He very stupidly calls Rose for help, but Alice saves the day. Alice is going to help Edward rescue Bella because she believes that Bella is sparking visions of her past, and she has been purposefully revealing visions of Bella as an uncontrollable newborn to Edward in order to influence his thoughts on her possible change in the "over my smoldering pile of ashes" direction. Edward is now on his way to Bella's house…_

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**Part One—**_Fata Volentem Docunt_

**Chapter Seven—Storm**

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_Who needs enemies when we've got friends like you…?_

_**To the Wolves**_** by Anberlin~**

**.**

**September 22, 2005**

**12:46 AM**

**.  
**

Hunt.

I didn't know how long it had been. Weeks, I imagined. Perhaps even a month. I had been due for a good hunt when Bella and I had gone to the meadow, but I had put it off, not wanting to miss her birthday.

I frowned. I had ended up missing it anyway.

Lifting my head, I inhaled deeply of the surrounding scents of the forest, letting my long dormant predator take the lead. My nose twitched as the overwhelming salty tang of the humid air coated my nasal passages and throat. The salt was irritating but one of the costs of living in such close proximity to the coast. I frowned deeply as I scented something else on the breeze. Something I hadn't smelled for over half a century.

I turned toward the west, drawing in another deep breath.

It was light, barely there, covered by the odors of rotting vegetation and the inescapable taint of human pollution. I almost thought it was just my imagination, but…

The fetid aroma was unmistakable. Wolf.

Interesting…and considering how much time Bella spent in La Push, terrifying.

My eyes snapped open and I carefully scanned the surrounding forests. The darkness did little to hinder my vision. The trees stood as silent sentries, guarding the secrets of their rapidly waning sanctuary, and the air was heavy with moisture. The foggy remnants of the near constant humidity clung to the heavy branches of the trees. It wove through the forest in careless wisps, caressing the vegetation with bleached and skeletal fingers that dissipated with the barest rustle of the wind, swirling and ever falling short of its desperate need to embrace, like a phantom reaching for a lover that was held in the sway of a mortal existence.

Steam rose up from the ground and swirled around my feet, competing with the oppressive damp that pressed down from above. It rose and fell, undulating and pulsing and responding to unseen forces. It spun around my boots and up my legs, timidly testing my form almost as if it knew I didn't belong in or to this world, almost as if it expected me to be as spectral and formless as it was.

I tilted my head to the side, listening, waiting, but for what I didn't know. A low hum that was punctuated with sharp whining whistles vibrated high in the ancient evergreens as the wind whipped violently high above their churning tops. The darkened pitch of the sky was lightened by the barest hint of moonlit reflection that highlighted the bulbous edges of the ominous and billowing clouds.

The surrounding pressure dropped violently and I flexed my jaw slowly trying to relieve the uncomfortable blockages in my ears. I glanced toward the sky again, regarding the incoming storm that raged so high above the strangely motionless shelter of the forest. The wind picked up, howling through the uppermost limbs, besieging the trees. The clouds danced and swirled, churning in great swells that rushed toward the east.

The oppressive humidity sank into my clothing, dampening my over-shirt and causing my t-shirt to cling to my torso. Beads of moisture stood out over my exposed skin like drops of perspiration and clung tremulously to my flesh for mere seconds before streaking down my stone cheeks, imitating the tears that I could never cry.

As the violence of the coming storm funneled down into the forests below, I closed my eyes and let it wash over me. The ferocious gusts thundered over my unmoving form, tearing at my clothes and whipping my damp hair into sharp points that lashed across my eyes as the back of it stayed stubbornly plastered to my neck.

The forest cried out in acute agony around me, the limbs of the trees groaning and cracking and screeching in protest at the abusive buffeting of the fierce gusts. A large branch landed with a resounding crash off to my right.

I didn't flinch; I didn't move.

Instead, I welcomed the storm. I needed it. As it raged around me, all wind and howling fury and promises of things to come, it felt as if was nothing more than a manifestation of the turmoil in my soul. The wind pushed against my back, wearing at my resistance, pounding at the stony wall of my ultimately useless resolve.

I knew that to hunt under such circumstances was a useless endeavor. Any sustenance to be found had long sought shelter from coming tempest, yet still I stood, reluctant to move forward.

What would I say to her? What was there to say?

Every mask, every lie, every half-truth would be exposed. The man I pretended to be—the man that Bella loved—was gone, and I was all that remained.

Would that be enough? Would I be enough for her? Could she love the man that I truly was? Did I want her to?

Fear wasn't something I was used to experiencing, but since Bella had entered my realm, it seemed to be a state that constantly held me in its sway. Fear for what she was, fear for what she could be.

Always that fear had been directed at the unknowns that Bella's mortality had dictated, but for the first time since I felt the stinging slice of Carlisle's teeth against my neck and the roiling burn of his venom flooding my veins, I felt fear for myself.

I feared what I would see in Bella's eyes. I feared her rejection. I feared her pain.

But I could not put it off any longer. Slowly I stepped forward, letting the wind that assailed my body push me—to where I belonged.

~~~oOo~~~

Bella's house stood silent and still, a memorial to the much beloved and varied 1920s cottage style, the white paint of the siding washed gray in the heavily filtered and obscured moonlight. The flickering aura of the television could be seen through the double windows that framed the small family room of the residence.

Her truck sat in the driveway beside the unmarked steel gray sedan that served as Charlie's work vehicle.

Thunder boomed in the distance, and if possible it seemed the wind picked up, slamming against the small house and rattling the windows in their frames. It still wasn't raining, but I knew that it would soon.

I glanced up at Bella's window. It was partially obscured by the large cedar that grew in front of it. I had spent many a night in that tree, watching over Bella before she was even passingly cognizant of the obsession that she had inspired in my cold and lifeless body.

The rhythm of her breathing and her heart had become my compass. The small smiles that would grace her lips were the light in my dark universe and the warmth of her eyes was like a fire in my body.

The window that had so often been left standing open for me was now closed. I wondered at the symbolism of it.

Refocusing my attention on the dwelling with a sinking feeling, I listened for any signs of life. The house was strangely quiet. Frowning, I expanded my senses, hoping the coming storm was covering the sounds of life from within.

I recoiled sharply as the stench of wolf once again filled my nostrils. It was closer than before. Stronger. I turned toward the west, instinctively crouching, a hiss rising in my throat.

There was a figure standing behind me in the deep shadows cast by the house. He stood silent and almost inhumanly still with the exception of the steadily thrumming pulse of his jugular. I recognized him immediately and straightened in shock.

Charlie.

_How the hell had I missed his approach? And most importantly why the hell did he smell like he had bathed in werewolves?_

Chief Swan stared at me steadily, his dark eyes glittering in the low light that sheltered him. He was dressed casually in jeans and a checked flannel shirt, his standard home attire, but I noted the gun on his hip and the bulky Fork's PD jacket that hung loosely over his stiff shoulders.

"About goddamned time," he muttered lowly. "I thought I was going to have to hunt you down myself."

"Charlie…uh, Chief Swan, I mean. Sir, I can explain," I stuttered as my mind raced with the possible reasons I could give for standing outside of his house at this time of night—none of them good. And unfortunately his mind was just as silent as ever.

"Save the explanations for later. Get in the truck," he said sternly, motioning toward the rusted red behemoth that Bella adored so.

"Truck?" I asked, my brow furrowing in confusion. "I don't understand. Where—"

His single utterance of Bella's name caused every demand for explanation to die in my throat. It was then that I understood. The absence of Bella's presence, the overwhelming stench of wolf that clung to Charlie.

He knew.

I didn't know how or the extent of his knowledge, but it was now obvious to me that not only were there wolves in La Push but he had sought their assistance to protect Bella.

He had sent her to the wolves.

_Fuck._

I froze with my hand on the handle of the passenger door. The realization of what he had done flowed through my body like acid, leaving in its wake an absence of reason and a terrible roiling anger. He had sent her to the only place on this planet less dangerous than my family…or the Volturi. A place that they couldn't go. That I couldn't go.

"Time is of the essence, Edward," Charlie prompted me from the driver's side of the truck.

My head snapped in the direction of La Push, my face resolutely set against the howling storm that raged around me.

Treaty be damned.

Wolves be damned.

I was going to rip that reservation apart, and any wolf that got in my way would die.

Life had suddenly become very simple. I was going to get my Bella.

I released the door handle, turned abruptly, and came face to face with Bella's father. I hadn't even heard him move.

Unbidden, a growl rumbled in my throat.

Charlie's dark eyes narrowed. "Don't even think about it." His tone didn't invite argument.

The low growl quickly evolved to a menacing snarl. Charlie didn't move an inch. He didn't blink, didn't flinch.

It seemed that Bella wasn't the only one in her family with the survival instincts of a gnat.

"Get in the truck," he repeated firmly.

"And just how do you think you are going to make me, Charlie?" I asked, my voice quiet and hissing.

"Don't underestimate me, boy."

"You have no idea what I'm capable of."

"I have a better idea than you might think, Edward. I know you want Bella. And you will have her, but there is only one way you are getting into La Push and that is through me."

"Do you know what I am?"

"I know more about your kind than you do."

"Do you really think that they will just allow you to drive me over the border? The treaty—"

"Doesn't allow Cullens on their territory. Unless I've missed my guess, the absence of that crest on your wrist means that you aren't a Cullen anymore, doesn't it, son?" Charlie nodded in the direction of my right wrist.

I followed Charlie's sharp gaze and frowned. The strip of skin that was once covered by that tangible mark of my familial tie stood out in pale relief against the whiteness of my skin, almost as if my connection to the Cullen coven had been frozen into my lifeless flesh.

Charlie stepped back from me and pulled a small clamshell phone from his right pocket. He pressed the number two and then send. A woman picked up on the other side after the first ring.

"He's here, Em."

There was no question asking who the "he" was, and her gentle exhalation sounded relieved.

"I'll meet you on the cliffs overlooking Third Beach. There's an access road on the left just after the trailhead."

"I know it. We'll meet you there."

"Charlie?"

"Yeah?"

"How is he?"

Bella's father eyed me critically. He sighed and finally replied, "A mess, Em. He's a mess."

"That's what I was afraid of. We'll figure it out, Charlie. Get here as soon as you can; I've got to find Sam."

Charlie clicked the phone shut, his gaze holding steady on mine. "Get in the truck, Edward," he said before turning to walk around the front end of the truck.

It roared to life as I slid into the seat, subdued.

"That was quite the stunt you pulled, son."

My heart clenched strangely at his words. _Son._ He had called me that more than once. My eyes fell closed briefly and I slumped in my seat, staring out of the window. The wound was too new, too raw. And even though in Carlisle's heart I was still his son for mere hours more, the inevitable tide that had been set in motion by my actions burned through me with a loss that was beyond comprehending. Even for such a mind as mine.

My answer was silence. The lack of communication continued between us for most of the short drive. My hands clenched into fists at my sides as we merged to the left onto La Push Road, the unmarked, long-forbidden border that separated me from my natural enemies.

I stared straight ahead stoically, my mind racing with the import of the moment and my body locked down, holding back the tremors that threatened to rack through me disclosing my need for Bella. I could feel her, deep inside. I could feel that she was near and everything in my frozen body was straining toward the tug that accompanied her presence.

"How did you know?" I questioned, unable to hold it back any longer.

Charlie's glance was sidelong and brief. "You need to be a tad more specific, son. Are you asking how I knew what you were or how I knew what your family was planning for Bella?"

I shrugged. "Either. Both."

"Well, the answer to the first is a story that is longer than I care to get into at the moment. As for how I knew what they were planning for Bella, she talks in her sleep and I'm not exactly a heavy sleeper."

He smiled wryly as I jolted in my seat at his claim not to be a heavy sleeper.

"What? Did you really think that I didn't know where you spent most of your sleepless nights?"

"How long?" My voice cracked. "How long have you known what we were?"

"Since the beginning."

"The beginning? Then why? Damn it, Charlie! Why didn't you stop it? Stop us?" I exploded. "You could have sent her away, back to Phoenix, or to Florida with her mom and Phil."

"She bonded you," he replied simply. "There was nothing I could do to stop it, even if I had been inclined to do so. Separating you would have done nothing but cause her unnecessary pain," he paused and eyed me, frowning, "which you should well understand now."

I frowned. _She _bonded _me? _The phrasing he used was odd. He could have misspoken, but I didn't think that he had. For some reason, his description reminded me of ionic bonds in which two unalike elements transfer electrons and combine to form a new compound.

"She's your mate, is she not?"

_Mate._ _How was it that he knew that term?_

"That is but a small portion of what she is to me," I murmured.

"Yet still you left her," he replied his knuckles turning white as he gripped the steering wheel, the force of his grip belying the neutral tone of his voice. "Abandoned her to an unconscionable existence."

"That was never my intention for her. Never. I would sacrifice anything…anyone… to stop that from happening. Even my selfish nature is not such that I would choose my desires over what is best for Bella. You cannot possibly comprehend the sacrifices I would make for her. I—"

"Couldn't I?" Charlie questioned lowly. "I gave up my bonded mate, Edward. I watched my daughter mature from afar, lest I exposed her. I entrusted Bella's very life into the hands of our enemies…" His pointed stare blazed into mine before returning to the road which stretched out before us. "I have hidden myself in this town, pretending, Edward. Always pretending. I've run like a coward." His countenance hardened and his tone was filled with palpable distaste. "I cultivated the façade of a man that had no care beyond the tip of a fishing pole and the bottom of a beer bottle. My daughter has no understanding of who her father truly is… Of what she is…"

He turned the wheel and the truck veered onto a brushy, rutted path.

I glanced at Charlie again, and what I saw there was not the man I had known, the façade. In his place was a steely eyed stranger. He sat ramrod straight, a strength that was at odds with the soft, doltish persona radiating from his tense, muscled frame. In that moment I realized something about Charles Swan that I never had before. He was dangerous. And he was not human.

My family were not the only ones in this small town that were hiding behind a skillfully crafted camouflage.

"Char—" _What the hell are you…?_

"I will do what I can to protect you both but, Edward, Bella is your responsibility now. You cannot leave her vulnerable like that again. You must guard her with your life." The truck came to a rumbling stop at the precipice of the cliffs overlooking Third Beach. He turned off the engine and sat contemplative, staring out over the ocean, his hands still braced against the steering wheel. "Bella…her kind, son, they aren't meant for your type of existence. The corruption of my genetic legacy would make her the most intolerable of creatures. We have seen such things before." He stopped, struggling for words. "It would destroy everything that she is…that she is meant for."

"What is she meant for, Charlie? What is she?"

"She is meant for you, Edward."

"So her becoming like me would destroy her?" Another confirmation of what Alice had seen.

"It would destroy you both. Even before you were born or transformed into this existence, we have fought, bled, died. For millennia we have been hunted, murdered, and enslaved. There have been sacrifices, Edward—terrible sacrifices—made for Bella, for you. By running from her, you almost rendered all of that void."

"I—I don't understand…"

"I know. You have enemies the likes of which you cannot yet conceive."

"What enemies? My kind?"

"Yes. Your kind, my kind…even humans."

"Humans?"

"Yes. Those that want to be…" He motioned in my direction and I frowned deeply. What he was implying was too horrific to contemplate. Humans that served vampires in the hopes that they could one day be like us…

"What are you, Charlie? What is she?"

Charlie glanced at me and then away, staring at the raging ocean. "There are many names for what I am, many myths—mostly false—just as there are many names for what she is."

"You and Bella are not the same then?"

"No. She is as her mother is. Her maternal lineage will always be dominant and cannot be altered. From the beginning till now, the nature of the first has continued among the descendants undiluted regardless of the bonded mate."

"What is she?"

"Among our enemies she is known as _Cantanti, _though there are older names_…. _"

"_Cantanti._ I've heard that term before, in Carlisle's memories. Eleazar's mate—"

"Carmen," Charlie interrupted. "Yes. She was one of ours. When she bonded Eleazar, there was much hope. He was a creature of great conscience and faith—an ally of unfathomable potential. Much like you and like your family. We attempted to intercept them before the Volturi…we failed."

Dim headlights flashed through the darkness then faded as they passed by on the main road, reminding me of where I was.

"And what of the wolves? What is their part in all of this?"

"They protect the _Cantanti," _he grimaced as he said that word, as if it was distasteful, "just as my kind does, and just as some of your kind does," he replied as if I should have deduced this on my own.

It was then that I realized the importance of what he had revealed. There were vampires fighting alongside Charlie's kind—whatever that was, since he didn't seem inclined to explain at the moment—to protect the _Cantanti_. It would explain why he knew so much about us, such as our terminology and how we mate. But why would a vampire resist the call of blood such as theirs to protect them?

"You must understand, Edward, Bella's kind_, _though the most powerful and important among us, are also the most vulnerable. Though they don't die naturally, they can be killed, injured, envenomed, or grieve themselves into a state of useless existence or single-minded vengeance."

"They…" I paused and took a steadying breath. "They don't die?"

"No."

"So Bella…"

My eyes squeezed shut.

_They don't die. Cantanti don't die. Bella won't die…_

A deep shudder raced through me as the implications of those simple words settled deep into my heart. Charlie squeezed my shoulder.

"Oh, God."

The knowledge that I would lose her had been constant torture. I had resented each day that passed, each day that I was bereft of her presence. As the calendar of the sixty or at most seventy years I had anticipated with her dwindled, I had grown more and more bitter. Bella's eventual end had been a constant specter hanging over the horizon of my crashing hopes and dreams. Even as the relief at the knowledge of her unending life flooded through me, deep fear settled into my heart, along with a fierce protectiveness that made what had resided in me before seem insignificant in comparison. Her kind didn't die, but they could…

"Immortal…" I chokingly whispered.

"Breathe, son."

"Will she age?" I asked, not for myself but for Bella. Immortal or not, the thought of physical aging had always bothered her.

Charlie let out an abrupt snort. "You know, that was the first thing she asked me after she found out."

"Bella abhors the thought of appearing older than me."

"She will age as you do," he supplied simply. "It is the way of bonded mates."

And given the fact that I did not age… Bella would be frozen forever at seventeen, the age she was when we mated.

"What I don't understand, Charlie, is if the_ Cantanti_ are immortal yet so weak that they are in need of constant protection, what threat are they that they would inspire the level of enemies that you have implied?"

"The more powerful the weapon, the more protection it requires—lest it fall into the hands of your enemies and be used against you. Before her kind was the _Cantanti _of the Volturi, they were the _Alal_ of the Sumerians, and the _Seir__ēn _of the Greeks_, _son."

_Seir__ē__n. Sirena, _as Aro had called Carmen. Siren.

My eyes fell closed briefly. That explained so much. Just before that tragic time in the meadow, I had teased Bella about being a creature designed to lure me to my doom. Little did I know at the time how accurate of an assessment that was.

For the first time in my existence, I was wishing that I had paid more attention in that Comparative Mythology course that I had taken at Harvard in the 60s.

"_Alal?"_

"Destroyer, literally. Her scent, her blood, was a trap. A lure, if you will. Before her bonding to you…any vampire that partook of her would have perished…slowly…horribly."

"But not now?" Obviously something had changed, given the fact that I had partaken of Bella's blood twice and still existed.

"No. The bond…it will no more allow her to harm you than you could harm her. Her love for you literally transformed her from _Alal_ to what we call _Gula. _But becoming _Gula _has stripped her of her defenses. It's a unique phenomenon in bondings such as yours." His lips twisted without humor. "Just a touch of cruel benevolence from the gods, I suppose. They never bestow a gift without demanding a sacrifice. Her blood still calls to your kind, but it no longer destroys. Without your protection, she is defenseless—sure to be drained or transformed."

I ran a hand over my haggard features. "Jesus!"

"Still with me, son?"

I nodded slowly.

"Why now, Charlie? Why not tell us this in the beginning, when we first mated?"

He sighed. "In some ways you have forced my hand, rushed fate—but then there are some among us that would argue that such a thing as rushing fate is impossible. I will tell you what I can, what you are ready for, as will Emily."

"Who is she?" I asked, noticing the bounce of headlights winding their way through the curvy dirt path that lead to the cliffs.

"Emilia Higginbotham. Bella's great-aunt on her mother's side." I jolted in my seat when I heard the name. Higginbotham…once, long ago in Chicago during the darkest period of my existence, I had met another Higginbotham…

"She was sent here to help you and Bella."

"Help us how?"

"To ease your adjustment to the bonding, to answer your questions, teach you of your responsibilities, assess your progress…"

A smallish, dark, generic Toyota pickup from the late 80s pulled up beside us. Its engine rattled and sputtered unevenly and I heard the distinctive wrenching sound of the emergency brake being set. With acute disappointment, I noted that there was only one person in the vehicle.

"Listen, about Em…she's the newly imprinted mate of Sam, the Alpha." He smiled. "Quite unexpected, let me assure you. The thing is…she's _Alal_, which means her blood is potent. Very potent. And deadly."

The figure stepped from the vehicle and approached our truck. She was tiny, not topping five feet tall and bundled into a heavy canvas coat. The hood was pulled up and shadowed her face from view.

"About Sam," Charlie continued. "With the imprint being so new, he's especially protective of Emily and is volatile. Watch your step around him, and Emily, okay? It would take very little to make him phase."

"Bella—"

"Is nowhere near Sam or any of the young wolves."

I blew out a relieved breath.

Charlie opened his door and I followed suit only to have a scent reminiscent of Bella's slam into me. My knees buckled and I caught the edge of the bed of the truck to support myself. It wasn't quite as potent, but it was close, smelling of the freesia that I both craved and detested and a hint of spicy, yet minty bay laurel.

"Okay there, son?"

I nodded and swallowed hard. "Need a moment. She smells like Bella…uh, like Bella did on that first day." And strangely, her mind was just as cursedly silent as Bella and Charlie's.

"Take all the time you need," a soft voice replied. I could tell that she was purposely moving downwind. "Probably for the best that Sam was delayed. This would have sent him over the edge."

"What happened," Charlie questioned.

"Embry phased."

There was a heavy sigh from Charlie's vicinity. "It was only a matter of time."

"Yes. He's having a hard time calming enough to phase back. Sam's talking him down now."

She turned toward me and pushed her hood back. Her features were smooth and timeless. She was young, but her demeanor spoke of the years that her lineless face belied. Her eyes, the color of a fresh spring bud, narrowed as they slid over my form. I stood unmoving as she assessed me, my hands curled into tight fists and stuffed into the pockets of my jeans.

"The Edward Cullen in the flesh…" There was a hint of a smile on her lips as she spoke and her voice was alight with something akin to humor.

"Masen…uh, Edward Masen. That's my human name."

She noted the missing crest, just as Charlie had earlier. "Masen it is then." Her eyes met mine. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you. My grandfather raised me on stories of the vampire that spared him in Chicago back in '31."

"I don't recall his scent being so…"

"Overpowering?"

"Yes," I replied, inhaling deeply, hoping to inure myself to the deadly temptation that was Emily Higginbotham. "Though he was a temptation that was hard to resist at the time."

"Care to explain how you resisted?"

I glanced at Charlie, feeling strangely reluctant to reveal my monstrous past. "Care to explain why his scent was weaker than yours? And how exactly you knew that I was the vampire that encountered your grandfather on a blustery Chicago evening so long ago?"

She just smiled, the flash of her teeth bright in the shroud of darkness that obscured our surroundings.

"Charlie, I need you to get Bella. He's in worse shape than I imagined."

"Sam wouldn't want you here alone with Edward."

"Sam will have to deal with it." She frowned. "He knows why the council sent me here."

"Edward, you in control?"

My nod was short. The burn in my throat was starting to ease, but I knew my eyes must be soullessly dark at the moment.

Emily's regard was steady, her stare focused on me intensely as Charlie got into the truck and started it. "You're starving," she observed. "When was the last time you fed?"

I sighed, running a hand through my wind tossed hair. "I'm guessing several weeks. My brothers and I—"

"No, Edward, you misunderstand me. When was the last time that you fed from Bella?"

My head bowed in shame. "The day I left. She cut herself and I…" I stopped and turned my face away, staring out at the trees that whipped and labored to resist the buffeting of the wind.

She nodded as if she understood. "That is often the way it happens. Was that the first time?"

"No. A rogue vampire bit her. The venom was spreading and I had to drink from her in order to draw out the venom. I didn't think I was going to be able to stop."

"The first time is always the hardest, but you found the will. You have resisted her since?"

"The bloodlust had faded. I arrogantly thought that I had it under control, but I almost murdered her." I shut my eyes, my constant companions of self-hatred and contempt rising to the foreground.

"When did the bloodlust abate?"

"After Phoenix. The pain of seeing her broken like that—"

"That's not why. How long between Phoenix and the last time?"

"Five months, three days."

"Five months," she repeated incredulously. "But—but…this is unprecedented. How are you even able to function?" She stepped toward me slowly. "May I?"

"Yes," I replied, indicating that it was safe for her to come closer.

Overstepping my intentions, she reached out toward me hesitantly. Her fingertips brushed against my hand and I pulled away from her. I had never let a woman other than family and Bella touch me like that. She reached for me again, gripping my hand firmly, her nails biting uselessly into my palm. She frowned deeply.

"Did Charlie explain that Bella is a _Gula _and what that means?"

"Somewhat. He said that the mating bond between us has transformed her blood from deadly to inert…"

Emily sighed and muttered something derogatory about men under her breath. "That is just a small part of what a _Gula_ is, Edward. By nature of the bond, her blood instead of killing you sustains you." She paused, releasing my hand. "You are supposed to feed from her. Often."

I recoiled from her in horror. "No!"

"By denying yourself, you ultimately endangered her. The bloodlust had to have overwhelmed you—"

"It wasn't that. Well, it was, but it was more a desperate need to change her, to claim her as my mate."

Her eyes widened and then narrowed, creating a deep furrow between her brows. "You have not consummated the bond then?"

I stared at her incredulously. "Are you seriously—?"

"Am I seriously?" she cut in, her tone furious. "How could you be so foolish?"

"Foolish? I'm a vampire, lady, I could kill her!"

I ran a trembling hand through my hair and Emily's eyes narrowed in on my shaking fingers like a laser. "Shaky hands, huh? What about time loss? Delayed cognitive ability?"

I clenched my hands into fists and said, "What of it?"

"How bad?"

"Not bad."

"Really?" she queried sarcastically. "Care to explain Gödel's theorem to me?"

"Math's not really my subject," I snapped.

"You're a vampire. Every subject is your subject." She lifted a brow and waited patiently, her arms crossed.

"It's…ah…" I frowned. "It deals with axio…uh, axio—"

"Axiomatic," Emily supplied stiffly.

"Um, yeah. Axiomatic systems…"—not that I could remember what the hell that was—"The limits of axiomatic systems."

"You're fighting the bond!" she hissed angrily. "Do you have _any_ idea what that could do to Bella—much less you? No wonder she was so willing to rush headlong into becoming a vampire."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that she is instinctively driven to bond with you on every level. If she cannot accomplish that as she is now…"

She left the rest unspoken, and my mind was not impaired to the point that I could not comprehend what she was implying.

"I was only trying to protect her…"

"Damn lot of good it did!" Her expression was a battle between anger and incredulousness. "Listen to me, Edward, you've got to stop this. It's hurting you. These symptoms…the shaking, the cognitive delays…they're symptoms of withdrawal."

I frowned. "But…" I shook my head. "That can't be. Carlisle said that it was a result of mating with a human…" The frown deepened. But Bella wasn't human… "He experienced the same thing with Esme…"

Emily watched me steadily as I reasoned my way through the past and came to the obvious conclusion.

"Esme…" I drew in a deep breath. "Vampires don't react to a human mating in the way Carlisle or I did, do they?"

"No, they don't, Edward."

"She didn't know what she was?"

Emily grimaced slightly. "No. Esme was one of our many orphans. She had been placed with a human family. The seer had instructed us to watch but not to interfere in the course of Fate. It was but a chance encounter between her and your sire. He fought the bonding and his lust for her blood with incredible resolve, unfortunately. Just as it was for him, Edward, the symptoms will only get worse the more you resist Bella, and I don't just mean sexually. Bella…she's an unbreakable addiction for you on multiple levels. It's her nature to bind you in such a way."

"She deserves better than a monster," I whispered.

"Edward, she'll defeat the monster. It's what she was created to do."

"I'll hurt her."

"You won't."

"I'm not good for her. Not right…"

"Tell me, Edward, what do you know of Fate?"

I snorted. "Fate?" _What did I know about it, other than it was a cruel and unrelenting, bitter harpy that seemed determined to destroy everything good in my piddling existence? Nothing._ "What does fate have to do with anything?"

"Come with me," she urged, walking toward the edge of the precipice that overlooked the hidden coves that encapsulated the beaches that dotted the Pacific boundary of La Push. She nodded toward the water. "Tell me, what do you see out there?"

I glanced at the ocean again…raging and strangely beautiful in its unearthly fury. It was roiling and churning with great swells, and huge logs that had been washed into the ocean from the many rivers and tributaries flowing into the Pacific crashed and broke against one another in the churning melee. They bobbed in the water, twirled in mini vortexes, and sank below the waves only to reappear and be swept along without direction according the whims of the wind and water.

The frothy water battered and washed over the shoreline, casting remnants of the great trees upon the shores to bleach in the anemic sunlight. As we watched silently, they were tossed into huge and haphazard piles. Some rolled into the distance before coming to rest upon the rocky shore and others were jerked back out to sea to suffer cruelly at the hands of the unrelenting waves.

"A typical North Pacific squall?"

"Inevitability. That's what it is. Like you and Bella. She's that beach, and you…you are like one of those trees, tossed about by the whims of the sea."

"And the ocean?"

"Just one of the many forms that Fate takes." Emily shifted slightly and turned her head in my direction. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Brutal," I countered.

There was a hint of a smile on her face, as if she had an appreciation for the violence in front of us. "Fate often is. It's fluid, ever shifting, but know this, no matter how hard you fight or how deeply that struggle leaves you broken, every piece of you will eventually end up on that shore." She turned back to watching the storm. "Fate doesn't offer a choice, Edward. It only demands submission," Emily stated with an assurance that I couldn't begin to fathom.

"And if I resist?"

Her laugh was humorless. "Then you will hurt her along with yourself, as you already have. She's your destiny—your beginning, your life, and your end. Like Sam is mine and I am his. Even I'm not such a fool as to fight that."

"What do I do?" I asked brokenly.

"Embrace her. Let her be your everything."

"She is."

"Then quit fighting her. Surely you can feel what she needs from you, just as she feels what you need. Let her give you what you need, Edward."

"I'm afraid."

"So is she. Insecure, because you keep pushing her away, limiting her. Trust her, Edward. Trust yourself."

"I don't know how—"

"Emily!" a man shouted from near the vehicles. He was massive, standing at nearly six and a half feet tall and as broad in the shoulders as Emmett. His dark eyes raked over me suspiciously and there was a decided air of hostility coming from him.

The distrust was mutual.

His thoughts were jumbled, tumultuous and hard to follow, but they centered around the woman at my side. There was a slight tremor in his frame and the man grimaced, his jaw clenched and pulsing in time with the jerky rhythm that pounded at his neck.

"Sam," she smiled, but there was a hint of tightening around her light eyes.

"Emily," he held out his hand to her, "come here. Now."

"Sam…"

The trembling became more pronounced. "Now. Emily, please," he stated through gritted teeth.

She sent me an apologetic glance but walked toward him without fear. His thoughts became clearer, more focused as she came closer. I noticed that his trembling lessened, but the anger tainting his thoughts concerned me.

"I asked you to wait—" he began.

"Sam…" She sighed heavily. "I waited as long as I could. You know how important this is to my people. Besides, Charlie was here—"

"Charlie! Do you have any idea how weak he is right now?"

"Sam—"

"No! Emily, I asked this one thing of you! This leech could have killed—"

"But he didn't," she snapped.

Sam turned toward me with dark and flashing eyes. "You will take your bonded mate and leave this place, bloodsucker."

_Gladly._

I opened my mouth to reply but Emily preempted me.

"No!"

Sam turned to stare at her incredulously.

"No, Sam, he's too weak, too close. I want—"

Sam's mind went blank, just a swirling of colors and emotive bursts of light. "You cannot possibly be—"

"Sam—"

"I will not have this monster on our land one second more than I have to!"

"Sam, I have a job to do here."

He loomed over her. "You are my imprint!" he declared absolutely.

"I was the council's chosen before I was your imprint, Sam Uley!" she hissed, her chin set stubbornly. "I am the keeper of the histories and genealogies. This is an unprecedented opportunity. The council knows this and demands your cooperation—"

"We are not subject to your council," he growled.

"If you send him from here, then I will have no choice but to leave as well, to go with Bella and him—"

A deep snarl rumbled in Sam's chest and his shape blurred for a fraction of a second before snapping back abruptly. Emily missed the shift in his corporeal form as she had her eyes closed and her fists clenched at her sides, her entire being radiating anger.

"You will do no such thing!"

"I will!" she retorted angrily.

"I forbid it!"

"You don't have the authority to stop me! You listen to me, Sam—!"

I watched Sam's mind with dawning horror as I saw and strangely felt the break coming. Time seemed to slow, to shift from its normal course. Emily was talking, shouting actually, her face tinted red and lifted upward. She didn't flinch as the first drops of rain fell across her cheeks and dripped from her chin, almost as if they didn't register with her.

The very air shimmered around Sam, and his form slipped as it had just seconds before, but this time instead of instantly snapping back together it pulled further apart, like magnetic forces repelling one another.

Only then did Emily recognize the mortal danger that she was in. Her eyes widened in horror and her mouth opened as if to let out the soundless scream that was trapped in her paralyzed throat.

I moved without thinking, without considering my actions.

The monster within would not allow one drop her blood to be spilled and the man in me demanded that I save her.

I came between the enraged wolf and his mate just as the scattered pieces of Sam's mortal body coalesced into a giant black beast...

.

.

.

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**A/N:** Yeah, I apologize in advance for leaving it there. Bad Author…*smacks own hand*

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**Key Points:**

Charlie isn't what he seems.

Bella is immortal.

Bella's blood was deadly to vampires before her bonding to Edward. Now he needs it like a drug and his symptoms are based in his withdrawal.

Esme & Carmen were both _Alal_ like Bella and her mother.

* * *

**P.S.** So, LJ Summers and I exchanged birthday stories this month. I requested a historical dark Carlisle story in which someone dies and she delivered most fabulously in the form of her story: _**How I Manage**_. The link is on my profile page. She requested a _Twilight_ parody, which I named after the Simply Red song (because strangely I was listening to this amazing love song while writing said parody): _**If You Don't Know Me By Now, Let Me Enlighten You**_. You can find that on my profile page as well, if you are interested. :)

I also wanted to mention that I beta this wonderful story called _**The Long Way Home**_ by FirstBlush. It's an Alice/Jasper story that is set in World War II and is just amazing. You should really give it a read and its Edward/Bella centric prequel, _The Last Breath_, if you haven't.

As always, thank you so much for reading and leave a review if you are so inclined…


	8. Absolution

**Fate Leads the Willing**

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**.**

**Key Points From the Last Chapter:**

-Bella is immortal. She is a siren also known as a Singer, _Cantanti_, and _Alal_. Her blood lures vampires to their death. Upon her mating to Edward, she became what is referred to as _Gula_. By becoming _Gula_ Bella's blood no longer has the ability to kill a vampire, but her scent is still highly attractive to all vampires—including Edward's family.

-Edward is informed by Emily, Bella's great aunt, that he is supposed to be drinking Bella's blood, on a regular basis. Edward is understandably upset.

-Charlie is not human.

-According to Charlie, it is the corruption of what he is that would make Bella the most unstable of creatures.

-Both Esme and Carmen were at one time _Alal _who bonded to vampires.

-Edward's symptoms stem from his consistent resisting of the mating bond.

**.**

* * *

**Chapter Eight—Absolution**

* * *

_._

_Tell me what you need and I will find a way to stop the bleeding_

_No, don't add to my mistakes_

_Tell me that you're not leaving and I'll tell you everything you need to know_

_**One Last Chance**_** by Daughtry**

**.  
**

_I came between the wolf and his mate just as the scattered pieces of Sam's mortal body coalesced into a giant black beast…_

The wolf's body crashed down from an upright position on two legs to four, his massive claws ripping through the sinews of my neck and chest. Pain flashed through the severed nerves before settling into a strange numbness. My mind was momentarily filled with a burst of white.

I staggered backwards under the brutal onslaught, my vision clearing in a fraction of a second. Instantly a rush of venom flowed from the wounds. It was sharp yet coppery and sickly sweet in smell like the pungent scent of a tarnished penny. My nose twitched and wrinkled involuntarily.

My back bumped into Emily's trembling form as I struggled against the sluggish response of my body, knocking her to the ground. The wolf growled, his feral amber eyes shifting from me to his mate and then back.

I opened my mouth to speak, to try to reason with the snarling creature in front of me, but my lips worked soundlessly.

I fought to remain upright but found myself on my knees and then on my back, weakened and disoriented by a massive loss of sensation, the vampire equivalent of shock.

The wolf spun toward me with a snarl, pulling back his lips and exposing his vicious canines. He lowered into a crouch, his eyes fixed on me, his natural enemy.

"No! Sam, no!" Emily screamed.

She scrambled over me, hovering over my prone form on all fours, strangely mimicking the wolf's posture.

The wolf growled again. It was a low, deep rumble that vibrated through the thick, humid air tangibly.

"No," she said, her voice quiet and pleading. "Sam, I know you're in there. Don't do this."

The wolf huffed, a muted whine sounding on the breeze.

Emily didn't remove her eyes from her mate. "Can you shift back, Sam?"

The wolf lowered his head and shook it slowly.

The rumble of an all too familiar truck broke the tense standoff. It was Charlie. And Bella. In spite of the sweeping numbness that was invading every crevasse of my body, I could sense her. A fiery sensation swept through my belly and leaped, live and electric, in what I assumed was her direction.

I closed my eyes and tried to swallow back the venom that was flooding my throat and dribbling from my lips.

I didn't want Bella anywhere near that wolf, but the words I desperately tried to utter were nothing but incomprehensible grunts and whistling hisses.

Emily glanced down as I choked on the mixture of venom and trapped air. My chest was uncomfortably tight, and the lungs I had largely ignored for nigh a century screamed for the unnecessary oxygen I could not draw in.

Charlie was at my side mere seconds after Bella's scream rent the air. My eyes searched the darkness for her, but I saw nothing but the shifting of the shadowy night as Charlie pulled me onto my left side.

"What the hell happened?" he shouted above the howling winds and rain that had begun to pound the ground relentlessly.

I sucked in a sharp breath as the change in position lessened the blockage of venom in my throat.

"Dammit, boy, I told you to watch yourself around Sam!"

I tried to speak again, to indicate to Charlie that he should keep Bella away. It wasn't safe.

"Charlie, no, he saved me." Emily paused. "Sam lost it. We were arguing. I was too close…"

"Shit."

"Do you see it, Charlie?"

"Yeah, I see it." His voice was grim.

_See what? _

Before I could consider it more, I heard the quick slap of Bella's shoes against rocky ground. She gasped my name, her voice tearful and choked with shock and grief.

_Bella…_

I could smell her all around me. Her scent overtook my senses, overwhelming the deadly allure of Emily's. It was tormenting and comforting at the same time.

"Bella, stay back," Charlie called to her.

"Like hell I will!" she retorted stubbornly.

My lips twitched in spite of the circumstances we found ourselves in.

There was a muted thud behind me. I felt her, her knees pressed into my back. One of her hands ran over my face and my hair. I fought the hands restraining me. I couldn't see her.

I needed to see her.

I mouthed her name, my lips trembling and my breath barely easing past my venom slicked tongue. My eyes met Charlie's. I moved them as far to the right as I could, to where Bella was, indicating my need for her.

He allowed me to roll onto my back and the crushing pressure in my chest returned, compressing my lungs and forcing the small amounts of air I had managed to draw in out. I fought the need to breathe and fell further into the uncomfortable drowning sensation that was pressing down upon me oppressively.

My eyes were fixed on Bella. The emotional damage that I had wrought upon her was written upon every tense and stressed feature on her precious face. Esme was right. How could I have done this to her? It was as if every pain I had suffered, every second of the torment I had felt was shining back at me through her eyes.

_Oh, Bella…I'm sorry, love. So sorry._

She tore the Fork's High hoodie over her head and pressed it to my chest, a sob catching in her throat. There were tears hanging in tremulous droplets from her damp lashes and her mouth was quivering.

"Edward," she said, her voice heavy with worry and hardly more than a whisper.

I wanted to tell her that I would be all right, but my voice was still useless.

I reached for her, my hands shaking with weakness and fear. My thumb brushed over her left eye, wiping away the tears, and she leaned into my palm with an unsteady sigh.

My eyes fell closed briefly as I was momentarily stunned by the hope and thankfulness that flooded through me. There was so much between us, so many lies and hurts, yet she still desired my touch. And I wanted, no, _needed_ to reconnect with her on this most physical of levels. I tried to convey to her through those simple brushes of my fingers what I couldn't say with words.

Bella glanced at Charlie over my prone form. "Carlisle," she suggested after a false start.

I shook my head slowly, grimacing as the newly knitted nerves screamed in protest at the strain. _Absolutely not. They'd bring Carlisle here over my smoldering pile of ashes._ I would heal the same with or without him.

"Edward," Charlie began.

I shook my head again and another stream of venom bubbled up and trickled from the corner of my mouth.

Bella choked on a sob as Charlie pulled me to my side again, relieving the pressure against my lungs. "Daddy, please."

Charlie sighed and my eyes met his for a brief moment before tracking right again. "Bella, switch places with me. He needs to see you."

There was a shuffling sound followed by stumbling footsteps and suddenly Bella filled my line of sight. Charlie shrugged out of his jacket and wrapped it around his daughter's shoulders, pulling the hood up over her soaked hair.

He pressed a kiss to her forehead and pulled back to look deeply into her eyes. "Edward's going to be okay, Bells. He needs you to be strong for him now, all right?"

She nodded, her eyes tracking downward to meet mine. Another wave of tears filled her dark, glittering eyes and she bit her lip. I wished that I could smooth the deep "v" that was marring her brow with worry. Charlie was right. I was going to be okay, eventually.

A light, hissing sigh passed my lips as she knelt down beside me. My hand searched through the mud, bracken, and exposed stone to find hers. I squeezed it gently and she squeezed back.

"Love you," I mouthed. If nothing else, she needed to know that one thing was true.

She bit her lip and tears flowed freely from her watery eyes. "You prick," she whispered. The wind and pounding rain stole the sound from her words, but her meaning was clear.

There was no anger behind her words, just heartbreak and the wealth of sadness that had been her constant companion since my departure. I understood her words for what they were, not so much a condemnation but rather an expression of the pain that found its needed release in words.

I deserved her ire, but it wasn't there. At least not yet.

"Oh, God, he's still bleeding. What do we do? Edward—"

I reached for her, the pull of lifting my arm stressing the fragile bonds of the slowly closing wounds. My thumb brushed over her bottom lip.

"Shhh," I tried to say, but it came out as more like a hiss. It was something at least.

More lights entered the clearing, the rumbling of several vehicles and the rapid and rhythmic swish of their wipers beating in time with the rain.

A man appeared at Bella's side. He was older, his long graying hair framing his plump and deeply creased features in limp strands. I hadn't thought that the repulsive scent of wolf that seemed to be permanently etched in my sinuses could get any worse. It seemed I was wrong.

"Charlie," he said with a nod, dark eyes meeting over my body briefly.

"Harry," Charlie replied, his voice hard.

"What happened?" he asked in a voice just as craggy and weathered as the cliffs that overlooked the raging sea.

Emily's voice was choked as she replied. Her hands briefly entered my line of vision, and I saw that they were still shaking. "Sam phased. I was in the way and Edward suddenly appeared between us." She paused and I could tell that she was crying. "He took the full force of the blow. I wanted the tribe to offer Edward and Bella their protection. Sam doesn't want them here, but he doesn't want me to leave either. I told him I couldn't agree to that and he…

"You know what I was sent here for. Edward's close, Harry. Very close. Alone he can't protect her—not yet, anyway. He has no idea what they're up against." She drew in a tremulous breath. "You must offer them sanctuary. Please, Harry, I'm begging you."

Harry grumbled under his breath and reached for the hoodie that was bundled against my chest. His eyes moved downward and then widened as they ran over the extent of the damage. He sucked in a sharp breath and his shocked eyes darted up to meet Emily's and then he glanced at Bella. "My God…"

She nodded at him surreptitiously, but I caught it from the corner of my eye.

Perhaps the damage was more extensive than I had thought. I suspected that Sam's claws had torn through my windpipe and perhaps punctured my right lung as they had descended through my chest. Obviously my vocal cords had been damaged, as well.

I reached up to feel, but Charlie's hand wrapped around my wrist and held it away from the wounds.

"You're healing, Edward. It's slow, but you're healing. There's a compound in wolves' claws and teeth that inhibits the knitting process. It leaves their enemies weak and at a disadvantage. Just one of the many formidable weapons in their arsenal."

I nodded and he released my hand. It fell back to my side.

Bella touched my lips and my attention shifted to her. Her touch hummed through me, electric and caressing at the same time. Her fingers moved restlessly. Over my chin, across my right cheek, tracing the shell of my ear before disappearing into my hair. It was as if she was trying to reassure herself that I was really here.

Harry spoke. "Emily, you need to talk to Billy. Tell him what happened."

My attention reluctantly returned to their conversation. Harry had that same confounding and scattered mind that Sam did. I had to concentrate to follow it in the slightest. I was beginning to wonder if the rampant ability to block and thwart my gift was just the nature of these…_others._

"Please, Harry. If there is even a chance—"

"Talk to Billy," he interrupted gruffly, his eyes flashing warningly. "We'll figure something out."

Emily shifted and then stood. I watched her until she was out of my line of sight. Sam trailed her in wolf form, his steps matching hers. She reached out and ran her hand through the fur at his side and he released a heavy breath, his head sagging down toward the ground.

There was movement in the faint glow of the headlights, the rumbling of more vehicles arriving, but I could not tell how many people were here. As I focused on them, their thoughts ruthlessly invaded mine, incomplete and scattered, just pieces here and there. It was discordant and fell across my mind like shards of glass, sharp and piercing. I tried to push it back, relegate the constant buzzing static to the background so it wouldn't overwhelm me, but I couldn't.

I grimaced. The pain of their thoughts pounded through me, a slicing flash of agony shooting across my line of vision.

"What is it, Edward?" Charlie asked.

I turned my face away from the shadowy haloes and motioned toward them wincing.

"It's all the people. Edward can read minds. Their thoughts…"

I squeezed Bella's hand gratefully.

I felt the smooth brush of fingers across my forehead. Not warm, not cold, just soothing and oddly smooth yet distinctly masculine. Suddenly the pain stopped and there was…nothing.

No voices, no pictures or erroneous inner musings, and no disjointed thoughts of the wolf-kind, just silence. Glorious silence.

I forced my gaze away from Bella and looked at Charlie, questions in my eyes that I knew he wouldn't answer. It was almost as if _he_ had somehow shielded my mind from the onslaught.

"Stay with him, Bella." Charlie nodded in my direction. "I need to speak with the elders."

Bella's gaze burned down into mine. "I'm not going anywhere," she replied fiercely. "And neither is he."

Charlie shifted and I grabbed his arm with my right hand, my fingers wrapping around his bicep weakly. I frowned. His skin was hard under my grip and the musculature rigid and clearly defined, not unlike mine, but not quite like it either. It was strange that I hadn't noticed before, but then I had only touched him once previously and that was while wearing gloves.

The mystery that was Charles Swan was a smoldering question that constantly flickered through my thoughts. I felt as though I should know what he was, but somehow it eluded me.

He glanced down at me. "We'll talk, Edward, when you're healed, but right now I need to make some arrangements. Keep him on his side until those wounds close," Charlie instructed Bella. "The flow of the venom will choke him otherwise."

Bella bit her lip and nodded.

Charlie turned to Harry. "You coming, Harry?"

The elder didn't say anything for a moment. His dark eyes were fixed on me and were full of questions.

"Harry?" Charlie prompted.

"Lead the way," Harry finally replied. His voice was solemn and there was a hint of indecision in its gravelly cadence.

I watched their rapidly disappearing forms with a contemplative frown on my face. I remembered what Emily had said to him. _I wanted the tribe to offer them their protection… Edward's close, Harry. Very close…_

As soon as they were eclipsed by the darkness, Bella leaned in and pressed her face against mine. When her skin touched my cheek, all thoughts of Emily, Sam, Harry, Charlie, and the many revealed mysteries of the night fled to the outer reaches of my vast mind and my attention focused solely on her. Bella had always captured me in such away. Every molecule of my being was attuned to her.

I felt her tears wet my cheek and I closed my eyes, wishing that I could reciprocate, that my heartbreak and relief could find its release in tears instead of always being locked in my lifeless heart. Her hand was still clasping my left hand, but I reached up with my right and cupped the back of her head, pulling her closer, sighing.

A small sob fell from her lips but she choked it back; the sound was nothing more than a small hiccup in my ear. I held her tighter.

"I am so mad at you," she whispered.

My fingers burrowed into her hair, and I nodded against her cheek, which was so tightly plastered against mine.

I ventured a whisper. "'I-i-is-s-s…'kay."

She gasped and I felt the flood of her warm tears against my cheek and flowing down the uninjured side of my neck.

My fingers stroked over her hair. "L-l-l-ove y-y-ou…"

Bella pulled back and touched my lips. "Shhh…"

"S-s-o-o-rry," I stuttered in a whisper, fighting against the aching muscles and abused vocal cords. "S-s-so-o-o…s-s-so-o-r-r—"

Her thumb brushed over my trembling lower lip and pressed down. "Shhh, baby, hush. I know. I know."

My eyes fell briefly closed. _Baby._ The endearment flowed over me like a healing balm. My fingers contracted in her hair, and I slowly pulled her closer until her cheek rested against mine again. A small sigh shuddered out of me and I felt it repeated by Bella.

Her other hand pulled from my hold and came up to my hair, her fingers stroking through the strands that were plastered against my scalp, heavy with rain and mud. Her fingers tightened their hold, using it as an anchor to pull herself into my body.

My other hand came around her, splaying on her back, and I tugged her closer, not caring for the wounds or the venom that stained my chest, my clothes, the ground, her… There was just us and this need to be closer. The bond crackled and hummed between us, and for once I didn't fight it.

Bella's lips brushed over my cheek and I turned toward her instinctively, ignoring the pull of my wounds as they reopened. I felt her mouth on my jaw, on the crease at the end of my chin, then lightly, so lightly over my lips.

A hiss eased out unbidden.

Bella tried to pull back, but I stopped her. Her eyes met mine, dark and troubled as the surrounding night. My thumb rubbed gently across her cheek.

"B-b-b—" I tried to say her name but my voice failed me.

"Edward," she whispered, biting her lip. "Edward, I—"

"Hey, how is he?" Emily asked, kneeling beside Bella.

Bella jerked upright as if just realizing that we were not alone in this place.

Emily casually rested one hand on Bella's back and the other was on the ground as she leaned over me to see. "The wounds are almost closed," she observed.

Bella turned and glanced toward the distant glow in the surrounding darkness. "What's going on?"

Emily sighed. "The tribal elders are being difficult."

Bella's eyes filled with sudden fear and she glanced down at me. "Have they made a decision?"

Emily squeezed Bella's hand. "Charlie's talking to them now. Try not to worry."

Bella frowned and stared off into the distance for a moment.

"Edward, Bella," Emily whispered, "we don't have much time and there is much you must know." Her gaze focused on Bella. "Do you remember what I told you about feeding and your responsibilities to your bond, Bella?"

Bella nodded. There was worry in her eyes, and something else. Something that I didn't understand. She shuddered.

_Was she afraid? Repulsed?_

I began to protest, but Emily's pointed gaze fixed on me and she hissed, "Enough of your self-abasing stubbornness! You will not deny her this!" The words where whispered at such a level that I was sure Bella didn't hear.

_Deny her? I could deny Bella nothing, but myself…I would deny myself anything to protect her._

My fingers absently rubbed back and forth over Bella's wrist, tracing over the scar that James had left there when he had bitten her earlier in the year. What Emily was asking me to do was unconscionable. I would be no better than that monster in the ballet studio who saw Bella as nothing more than a game and sustenance.

Even if I had the control that I undoubtedly would have to have, could I live off my mate like some kind of parasite? Would I be able to mar her beautiful skin in such a way? I glanced at Bella's neck, grieving as my eyes fell upon the damage I had last inflicted upon her.

At the base of her throat, a silvery crescent-shaped impression of my teeth blended almost invisibly with her pale skin, but to my eyes it might as well have been painted in scarlet. Bella's pulse throbbed unevenly under the mark.

How could I mark her like that over and over again until this world ended? How could I make her some kind of macabre living monument to the monster's lust? And beyond this there was the pain that I would undoubtedly inflict upon her…

No. I couldn't do this.

My eyes met Bella's. I tried to speak, but she laid two fingers across my lips.

"What do we do, Emily?"

"As I understand it, no way is particularly right. It is something that couples discover together, and it is considered the ultimate form of intimacy among our kind. It is whispered that some bite to feed and others pierce the skin. Either way, Edward, you must keep large amounts of your venom from entering Bella's bloodstream, but as you've done this twice before, I don't think it will be a problem for you."

I scowled. _Shouldn't be a problem? It was more than a mere problem; it was insanity._

Emily continued speaking, ignoring the way I was glaring at her. "And, Bella, if you feel any burning, you must tell Edward immediately so he can draw the venom from your veins."

"Okay," Bella whispered.

"Edward, the more times you drink from Bella, the less susceptible she will be to your venom. Exposure builds an immunity to your particular strain. Each family group is somewhat unique. I don't know if you knew that."

Bella's expression was confused. "Are you saying that eventually Edward's venom won't be able to change me?"

"Not just Edward's venom, Bella, but most likely that of his sire as well, and possibly anyone whom his sire has begotten, though any vampire who is not closely related to Edward by venom will be a threat to you."

I bit back a frustrated growl. Fate was laughing at me again. I was sure of it. Here I had been given a way to protect Bella from the threat of my father Carlisle, and possibly my family, only I had to do the most reprehensible thing of which I could think—_I_ had to put Bella at risk by partaking of her blood on a regular basis.

Bella's fingers wove through mine, and she squeezed my hand bringing me out of my fruitless thoughts, as she so often did.

"How many, uh, times does Edward have to drink from me until I'm immune?"

I squeezed Bella's hand back. Bless this woman. It was just the sort of thing that I would have asked.

"I mean, Edward's tasted my blood twice now…"

And I was sure that if twice was enough Alice's visions of Bella as a terrifying creature would have completely disappeared…

Emily sighed. "It's a process, Bella. It takes time, and sustained exposure. I don't know when you'll be completely immune. I just know that eventually you will be."

"Oh," Bella whispered, staring down at me once again. I was still trying to decipher her expression. There were hints of longing and apprehension…and fear? But fear of what? Me? Of what would happen if I drank of her?

I hoped that I was misreading her, but I knew that I had given her reason to be afraid of me, had given her reason not to trust me.

And she shouldn't trust me. I had told her many times that she shouldn't, but now when it was a distinct possibility, I found myself deeply mourning the loss of her tender and precious faith.

Bella leaned over me, her fingers, brushing my hair back from my face. "I'm sorry," she whispered in my ear. "I know you never wanted this…"

"C-c-an-'t hur-t you," I stuttered back. I had never wanted to hurt her, but I knew that I had, and in numerous ways.

"You won't, Edward."

"W-wi-ll…"

She stared down into my eyes, a hint of anger sparkling in her dark gaze. "You won't. If you can't trust yourself, Edward, trust me."

"I-I do."

"Good. Now let me take care of you for once, okay?" Her fingers brushed against my lips. "Let me give you what you need."

"Bella, not here," Emily instructed quietly.

"No, he needs me now. He's lost so much…"

I jolted. Bella was right. I had lost a lot of venom. Too much. Way more than she could safely give me blood to replace. _I had been a fool to even consider—_

"Edward," Emily began. "Edward, listen to me. You won't hurt Bella. You won't take too much, if that's what's agitated you. The _Gula_…their blood is different, highly adaptable. Bella's not like a human. Her blood replenishes within hours and is more…satiating. Surely you've noticed the difference in your thirst."

I nodded slowly. Now that she mentioned it… I had intended to hunt not because the thirst was driving me but because I knew that the time lapse between my last feed and now was dangerous.

"Bella's body will adapt to your needs. You won't harm her."

"Emily, he needs to feed."

She sighed and her eyes searched the darkness. "I know, but the elders… Knowing that Edward is feeding from you is one thing but seeing it…" Emily shook her head. "It's not prudent. Edward, do you think you can stand?"

Bella protested fiercely. "No. He's too weak."

"This could go on all night. We need to get you and Edward out of this rain. He needs your blood, the sooner the better."

Bella glanced into the distance with a contemplative frown. "Distract them, Emily.

"Distract them? Bella—"

"Emily, please."

Emily frowned but nodded.

She smoothly rose to her feet and walked away. Bella moved slightly to the left, placing her body between me and the elders' line of sight.

"B-b-bell—"

"Shhh…" She laid her fingers across my lips again. "Don't fight me on this, Edward. Let me do this for you."

"N-n-n-o…"

She sighed.

"Edward, please."

I lifted my hand and brushed my fingers against her cheek. "C-c-an-'t h-h-ur-rt y-y-ou…"

"We've been over this. You won't," she replied softly.

"B-b-ell—"

Bella shocked me by slipping her fingers into my mouth. I jerked back in protest, but she pressed them forward, anticipating my move. Before I could utter a word, she raked her index and middle finger across my teeth.

Her sweet blood, spilled into my mouth, moving silkily across my suddenly parched tongue. I bit back the moan that wanted to burst forth.

She leaned over me and let her hair hang in damp tendrils around us, shielding us from the sight of others. "Swallow it, Edward."

My agonized gaze met hers. I tried to convey to her what I couldn't say with words.

Her fingers brushed over my brow and then through my hair, soothing me. "It's okay, baby. It's okay."

I swallowed slowly, never dropping my gaze from hers when I did. I swallowed again, deliberately pulling at the wounds she had inflicted upon herself. Her eyes darkened noticeably and a deep shudder quivered across her skin. It was quickly followed by another.

Her blood was exquisite, rich, the sweetest of ambrosias. I tried not to, but I moaned as her taste and scent overwhelmed me. Her glorious scent wafted around us, stronger than anything I had experienced with her before. Stronger even than that first day, but there was no burn in my throat, no temptation to destroy her. Instead it bound me, enslaving me to her as surely as if I had been physically shackled.

Desire crashed down upon me and I moaned again. Her taste, the headiness of her scent comingled with the need that had always boiled below the surface.

I beat the monster back. He wouldn't be satisfied with her blood. He never had been. Despite my weakened state, he lusted for her.

My fingers traced down her cheek to her neck, needing to connect with the constant pulse of her heart, needing to remind myself of her fragility. Her veins were literally vibrating under her skin.

The blood from her fingers had slowed to a trickle. Gently I swept my tongue over them, sealing the damage that she had inflicted upon herself. Brushing a light kiss over the wounds, I pulled away and followed the line of her veins that ran from her hand to her wrist with my nose.

Something feral was building in me. I could feel it, taste it.

Mine. She was mine.

I frowned as my lips brushed against the spidery web of scarring that marred her skin. It was cool from contact with James' venom. _His _venom, not mine. The impression of _his_ teeth, not mine.

A possessive growl rose in my throat, and I licked the wound, running my tongue over her skin and tracing the entirety of the scar.

Bella whimpered, her fingers twisting and constricting in my hair.

_Mine._

"Edward…Edward, please…"

I froze and stared up at her.

There were tears in her voice, in her eyes.

_No!_

_No, no, no!_

It was the meadow all over again. I had been so lost in the taste of her blood and my rapidly growing and untoward desire that I had missed that she was terrified and shaking in my arms.

I released her wrist, horrified. Truly I was a monster.

Bella gasped. "No!" she protested loudly, drawing unwanted attention.

I touched the tears that were streaming from the corner of her eyes. "H-hu-rt…you. S-s-sorr—"

Bella's hand covered my fingers. "No, baby. It's not that. You didn't hurt me."

Taking her trembling hand in mine, I traced the quivers rushing over her delicate flesh. "Y-you-'re…af-afr-aid."

The scent of adrenaline was strong in the surrounding air. I knew that she would deny her fear, but it would be a lie.

She shook her head. "Edward, no."

"Sh-sha-king…"

I could tell that she was fighting to stop trembling. "I'm not scared, Edward. I've never been afraid of you. The shaking," she paused at a loss for words, "it's not what you think."

"I-is f-f-fea-rrr… I-I-I'm a mon-st-er."

The tears spilled over. Gently she pressed her lips to mine. "You're not a monster, Edward. You're a man. A good man. When will you see this?"

I turned my face away from her, drowning in the guilt caused by a lifetime of sins.

Bella sighed but didn't speak. Her hand found mine again, and I relaxed fractionally as the warmth of her skin and touch soaked into my resistant flesh.

Strength was returning to my limbs slowly, working its way through my numb muscles inch by inch in the same way that I could feel Bella's blood being absorbed into my system. I felt almost alive and vital, and it was so much beyond the weak sustenance that animals provided. It was beyond the tainted vigor provided by the evil men I had dispatched to judgment in Chicago so long before. Energy hummed through my flesh, mimicking the connection that flowed between Bella and me. It was electric and pulsing. Her essence flooded my tissues, healing and repairing the damaged organs and flesh.

This was her gift to me, her sacrifice.

I turned my gaze back to her and noted the tears that were still flowing from her eyes. I had hurt her so much in the past, and now it seemed that I was still hurting her. It wasn't her that I was angry with. It was me. Constantly I failed her.

Lifting her hand, I kissed the rapidly healing wounds on her fingers again.

She gasped. I reached up and brushed away the tears from her cheeks. "Th-th-ank y-you, Bell-a."

Calling on the spreading strength in my body, the gift that she had given me so willing in spite of everything, I gingerly pushed myself up from the ground into a sitting position.

Bella protested. "Edward! You'll—"

"Shhh…" I hushed her. "N-need to h-hold you."

She came willingly into my arms, which was so much more than I deserved. I couldn't help but wonder if I would ever get it right with her as she buried her face into the uninjured side of my neck and cried.

"Sorry," I stuttered.

She shook her head in the negative, rejecting my faltering apology. "I shouldn't have forced you," she whispered.

I held her tighter.

"But, Edward, I wasn't afraid. I've never been afraid of you."

"Mea-dow…" I reminded her, remembering the fear in her eyes as she had stared at me unblinkingly over Alice's crouched figure.

"Not even then, baby. It was your reaction to what happened that I feared. Never you."

"Sh-sh-ak-ing. L-li-ke n-n-now."

Bella nodded and pulled back to stare into my eyes. "It's not fear, Edward."

I started to protest but she laid her fingers fearlessly against my mouth.

"It's not." I knew my expression was skeptical. "It's…it's need," she finished whispering the words as she blushed deeply.

I froze statue still. _Need. _Oh, God! Could it be? Could she actually…?

My eyes fell closed. The adrenaline in the air…what if it wasn't caused by fear but by desire?

Bella had awakened so many desires in my lifeless body, and my need for her grew in direct proportion to her own. When drinking her blood, it was nigh unbearable. How had I missed this?

What if it wasn't the monster? What if it was her all along?

Carlisle had told me, he had told me that we respond to our mates' needs. That I felt them on an instinctive level and was helpless to resist.

_Feeding is_ _intimate_, Emily had said. She had known that it would be like this. Emily knew and had tried to warn us, because feeding and intimacy are inseparable. And on some level, deep down where the beast resided in me, I guessed that I had known as well.

Could I have misinterpreted things in the meadow so badly? But if the tremors were caused by need, if the fear I had seen in her eyes in the meadow was fear _for_ me and not _of_ me, why was she crying?

"N-not f-f-ear?" I questioned.

She cupped my jaw in her hands. "No."

My fingers traced over the tracks her tears had left on her cheeks. "Y-you cr-cried. Why?"

"Relief, Edward." She sighed. "Did you know that I can feel it when my blood calls to you?"

I shook my head.

She placed my hand against her neck. My thumb rested in the hollow of her throat, and I could feel the thrumming of her racing pulse under my hand. "It's like a hum deep within, a singing in my veins. I feel it around any vampire, but you…it's always the strongest for you, different." She reached out and stroked my hair. "It's unbearable at times. Like a fire burning, its flames licking through my blood. And when it's like that, when the heat is consuming me, I want you to drink. I need you to because I can feel your desire, your thirst." She took my hand in her own and placed it against her chest. "Do you feel it? It's like my heart beats for you and only you."

I closed my eyes, listening to and feeling her eternal heart beating under my hand. The same longing that she had expressed burned through me, but it was different. The tinge of desperation that had always colored my desire for her was gone. And there was something else there—a lust that eclipsed my need for her blood, a lust that had always simmered beneath the surface, but it wasn't something I could blame on the monster this time.

_My mate. Mine._

And she was. Every part of her was mine. Her heart, her body, her blood. As I was hers.

_One day, and most likely one day soon, she will ask and you will give her what she desires. You won't be able to resist her, _Carlisle had told me.

Had I been intuitively responding to what she needed? Had I, by denying the bond, given the monster—that most instinctive and animalistic part of myself—leave to take over and fulfill her in ways that I had refused? I knew now that I had.

Emily was right. My denial of the bond had endangered her.

Bella had an intrinsic need to give me her blood, to be my mate fully, and by denying her I had driven her to seek to change so we would be equal. A desire the monster in me was all too willing to fulfill, and my weakness for her blood had been his chance. Only now did I realize that my stubbornness and fear had created a volatile powder keg of epic proportions. One that could have destroyed us both.

"I-I-I feel it, Bell-a."

It was then that she dropped her gaze. "If anyone is a monster, it's me," she whispered heartbrokenly.

"Bell-a, no," I breathed, tilting her chin up so her eyes would meet mine again. I brushed the rain drops from her face and the tears from her eyes. "No."

"I'm sorry for what I am." Her bottom lip quivered.

"I'm n-not," I stuttered. I would never regret what she was. She had saved me. She was still saving me.

She laid her head against my shoulder and sighed. My arms encircled her and we just clung to one another. There was so much between us that had changed, and it seemed as if the world as we knew it was spinning out of control, but we still had this. If nothing else, this was the same.

"Where will we go?" she whispered.

"Chi-ca-go," I enunciated carefully.

"Your family—"

I shook my head.

Her hand trembled as she traced it over my bare wrist. "Oh." She bit her lip, unable or unwilling to seek more information.

After a time she said, "You should drink more." She held out her wrist to me.

I reached out and cradled her hand in mine, my thumb brushing over the hum of her pulse. I could feel the desire for her blood rise to the forefront. It seemed as if her vein swelled under her skin, each throb of her heart stretching and constricting the pale blue vein and drawing my complete attention.

_Mine._

I squeezed my eyes shut and placed a gentle kiss on her wrist. It took everything within me to pull away from her.

"N-n-ot h-h-ere," I murmured against her skin. "T-t-too many eyes."

Bella turned her head and glanced behind her toward the general area that the elders had congregated. "Someone's coming."

"Ch-Char—"

"Shhh. You're making your voice worse."

Charlie and Emily stepped out of the darkness. Their expressions were troubled.

"Dad?" Bella questioned.

Charlie sighed. He shook his head. "The vote is split evenly. Billy and Harry vote to offer you asylum, but the others…"

"Bi-lly?" I questioned. If there was anyone on this reservation that would vote against us, I figured it would be Billy Black. He hated my kind. "H-h-he hates—"

Charlie nodded. "You're right. He does hate your kind. A rogue nomad put him in that wheelchair, but he knows the pain of losing a mate, and he wouldn't relegate anyone to that fate." Charlie glanced at Bella. "Plus he owes me."

"You saved his life," Emily breathed. "We knew he had been bitten by a vampire, but not how they stopped the spread of the venom."

"In a human the venom paralyzes the cells, but in the wolves it destroys them. The damage was too far gone to save his legs." Charlie glanced off into the distance. "Billy tells everyone that he lost his legs to complications from diabetes and that his wife Julia died in a car wreck. It's easier than the truth. A vampire kidnapped his wife in vengeance for his destroyed mate, torturing her and draining her dry before Billy could stop him."

Bella gasped and covered her mouth with a trembling hand. I just stared at Charlie frozen with horror. I knew that it was that way with a creature that lost their mate. They were given over to nothing but a need for revenge. Briefly I thought of Victoria. On top of everything else that seemed to be against Bella and me, she was still out there somewhere—waiting, planning.

What had happened to the vampire? Did Billy kill him in the fight? Did he get away? "D-did—?"

Charlie seemed to know what I was asking. "Yes, he managed to dismember the creature and burn it."

"G-good."

"Where will we go, Dad?" Bella questioned quietly.

"You can go to Emily's for now." Sam stepped from the shadows where he had been standing.

"Sam!" Emily gasped.

"As Alpha, it was my place to make a decision, given the elders' inability to agree." He shrugged. "Besides, it's not like you're staying there anyway…"

"Thank you," Emily said.

Sam approached her warily as if he expected her to be afraid of him. Emily stood just as cautiously. "Sam…"

"Em, I—"

She reached up and he leaned down, compensating for her lack of height much like Jasper did with Alice. A deep sigh rumbled out of him when her fingers stroked over his jaw, and his glittering dark eyes fell briefly closed.

"Shhh, Sam, it's okay. I'm okay."

His gaze swept over me, lingering on my neck and chest, no doubt envisioning the damage he had inflicted upon me on his beloved Emily. His blunt and boxy fingers traced over her face, down her cheek and neck, following a slashing line across her chest.

Emily's eyes filled with tears and she clasped his trembling hand to her bosom. "Don't, sweetheart. I'm all right."

Bella's hand was clenched down on mine like a vice and her other was curled into a tight fist at her side. For once, since she had happened upon this debacle, her focus had shifted. She was staring at Sam, her eyes burning into his form as he stood holding his mate.

Anger radiated off of her in waves, each one stronger than the last. My hand released hers and slipped around her waist, clutching her tightly. I doubted that the strength of my hold could keep her if she wanted to get free.

She growled. Literally growled.

"B-bell-a…" I struggled to enunciate her name. "Bell-a." I needed to distract her, before she did something foolish—like punch a werewolf in the face.

Her head snapped in my direction, the fire dying in her eyes just as suddenly as it sprang up. She lifted a trembling hand and laid it against my cheek.

Charlie knelt beside me again. "How you doin', Edward? Can you stand?"

"No," Bella replied for me.

"Y-yes."

Charlie's lips twitched.

"Bella and the leech—uh, Cullen—"

Bella's eyes narrowed at Sam's slight.

"Edward," Emily supplied.

"Bella and, uh, Edward can stay at Emily's cabin for as long as you need," Sam said.

"Th-th-ank—"

"You cannot possibly be thanking him!" Bella cried incredulously. "Not after what he did! He could have killed you! That…_dog_ nearly did."

"Bella—" Charlie began, just as I did.

I laid a cool finger over her lips. "Sh-shhh…I-it's all—"

"No, it's not!"

"Bella, we need their help," Charlie supplied reasonably.

Bella frowned deeply and then sighed. "I know, but—"

I reached up, my hand tangling in her long hair, cupping the back of her head. I gently pulled her closer, until her face was nose to nose with mine. Our eyes were locked, hers filled with the stubbornness that was so characteristic of her.

"J-ust to-to-night."

She wasn't happy about it, but Bella reluctantly agreed, her head nodding slightly as she rose to her feet.

"We're going to try to stand you up, son," Charlie began, "easy now."

I grunted in pain as he and Sam lifted me slowly to my feet. I swayed, feeling the ground rising up to meet me as soon as I was upright. Everything shifted, the slant of the rain becoming straight, the lights in the distance looking as if they were in the sky shining down like the stars that rarely smiled upon this corner of the North Pacific.

Charlie's hands tightened around my back, and waist and he caught the brunt of my weight. My head fell forward, and I closed my eyes against the roiling tide of venom that boiled in my stomach and threatened to make an appearance. I drew a deep and calming breath through my nose, thankful that it was clear of fluid.

Bella stepped toward us, her eyes narrowed and focused on Sam. "Get away from him," she hissed.

"Bella, I—"

"Sam," Emily interrupted. "Just give her some space."

"I said, get away from him. Don't you touch him again!"

"Sam, just…I've got him," Charlie said with apology in his tone.

Sam sighed, conflicted, but did as Charlie requested.

Bella replaced Sam, slipping an arm around my waist, all the while still glaring at him. She was trembling with rage. I tightened my grip on her.

"Bell-a…" I sighed. I suspected that her anger at Sam was more than just a manifestation of her worry for me. He had become the focus for the rage and powerlessness that she felt about this entire situation. I glanced at him apologetically.

"Thank you for protecting Emily," he whispered.

I glanced at him and then at Emily, who was tucked so closely into his side that they were like one entity. Bella tightened her grip around my waist and pulled herself closer into my side. She inhaled deeply of my scent and then relaxed fractionally. I was struck at how similar our stances were—he, the wolf and his imprint and me, the vampire and his mate. His dark eyes were filled with grief, remorse, and the heartrending knowledge of the harm he could have inflicted on his mate as he stared down at Emily, and for a moment I wondered if my eyes reflected the same range of emotions.

My gaze shifted and met Bella's. She was staring up at me. Tears clung stubbornly to her lashes and her skin was a mottled patchwork of red and white. In spite of everything that I had done, the overwhelming expression on her face was concern for me. And behind the worry, I saw the love and acceptance that I didn't deserve. It was a mirror of Emily's expression when she looked at her bond.

I glanced at Sam again and nodded slightly in his direction. We might be enemies, but in the way that mattered most, our devotion to our mates, we were the same.

"One foot in front of the other, Edward," Charlie instructed.

I stared down at the ground and concentrated on making my weakened limbs obey. It was slow progress, stumbling and halting, but eventually the rusted behemoth of Bella's truck came into view.

There were many more people than I had originally suspected. The man who Charlie had identified as Harry stood off to the side with a group of men. The tribal elders I assumed. I recognized Billy Black in his wheelchair. His eyes met mine, steadily holding my gaze. He was frowning, the standard expression for tonight it seemed, but he slowly nodded in my direction.

Every eye followed our progression toward Bella's truck. Some gazes were dark and curious and others were decidedly hostile. The stench of wolf was overwhelming and pungent. Besides Sam, at least three of the young men pacing at the outer edges of the crowd were wolves, and I suspected that Harry was as well.

As a rule, we gave the boundaries set forth by the treaty a wide berth, almost doubling the negotiated distance between our kinds. Carlisle considered it as something of a neutral zone, and we didn't venture nearer than the outskirts of Forks in their direction. There had been no contact between my family and the tribal elders since our return.

Carlisle had given little consideration to the people of La Push, insisting that we uphold our part of the treaty and only expose our true natures if they sought us out to reaffirm our former agreement. I knew now that he should have. The threat was considerable. Internally I berated myself for not recognizing that the nauseating stench that clung to Billy and Jacob Black, and by extension Bella when she visited, was more than just an odd result of their genetic legacy.

When I had questioned Carlisle about it, he had told me that it was the same scent that all the Quileutes exuded, citing that he had noticed it upon some of his coworkers and patients, full blooded Quileute and mixed. He said that he didn't have any reason to suspect that it was as a result of interaction with the wolf-kind because the scent was different, less overpowering and seemingly emanating from their pores.

Now that I knew that there were at least five wolves in La Push, and I couldn't help but wonder if there were more. Because if my family or the Volturi came to La Push after Bella and me, we were going to need more help than five wolves and whatever the hell Charlie was—a lot more.

Bella opened the passenger side of the truck and watched silently, her expression hard as she met the gaze of each and every person watching us.

I sat on the seat, a strange tingling exhaustion pervading my limbs. My head lolled back on the seat and I stared up at the bare metal of the roof, noting the specks of rust in the corners and pitting that had been covered by splotchy gray primer.

Bella's warm fingers brushed across my forehead before pushing my soaked hair back. There was a clunk as she pulled the loose seatbelt from the floorboard by the door and strapped it around my waist.

My lips twitched at the irony. How many times had I buckled her seatbelt in an effort to keep her safe? And now she was securing me in this vehicle to keep me from sliding to the floor in my weakened state.

Reluctantly Bella shut the door and rounded the truck to climb into the driver's side. I tilted my head slowly to the side and watched her as she slid next to me, leaving the door open, I assumed for her father, who was once again speaking to the elders in low tones that I couldn't decipher.

Bella's fingers traced over my neck and across my chest, following the ragged lines that were torn through my shirt. Her head tilted upward and she met my steady gaze, frowning.

"Scars…"

I laid my hand over hers where it rested on my chest.

"Ve-ven-om," I uttered slowly.

My fingers brushed back the collar of her shirt, and I frowned as I revealed the whitish mark I had left on her neck.

Bella's hand came up and covered the wound. "It's nothing. It's all right—"

I shook my head fiercely back and forth. "N-n-no, not all…right…"

"Shhh."

"Bell-a…"

She laid her fingers against my lips. "Shhh."

Charlie slipped into the driver's seat soundlessly. The engine turned over with a roar that drew every eye to us again. He eased the vehicle into a wide U-turn only turning on the head lights after the milling crowd was behind us. There was a grating, protesting screech as Charlie slipped the transmission into second without double pumping the clutch and the truck shuddered under the strain.

Bella leaned into me, resting her head against my chest, listening to the breaths that were moving easier and easier through my abused lungs, despite the constant rattle of the pooled venom in them. A tremble rushed through her and I pulled her closer, feeling a modicum of strength returning to my exhausted limbs. Her arms slipped around my waist, clinging, squeezing.

The shock of it was setting in for her. The shock of everything. So much had changed in such a short amount of time. It was like everything she had believed to be true was a lie—Charlie, me, her existence…

She whimpered softly and Charlie glanced at us from the corner of his eye. The engine whined in protest as he stepped on the gas, coaxing the stubborn vehicle to go faster.

There was a flash of headlights behind us as we rounded a sharp corner onto a straight stretch of highway that flowed smoothly to the sprawling reservation of La Push. My eyes darted to the side mirror.

"Emily," Charlie supplied, answering my unuttered question.

"Is Sam with her?" Bella asked sharply.

Charlie sighed. "Would you be willingly parted from Edward right now?"

Bella didn't answer his question, only burrowed deeper into my side.

Charlie turned smoothly to the left onto a rutted, gravel paved road that ran parallel to First Beach. A line of cabins dotted the southern boundary of the rocky outcrops that led to the steadily rising cliffs.

Emily's cabin was the last, nestled into a horseshoe shaped crevasse and bordered on the back side by a towering rocky outcrop. It was small, probably not over 1000 square feet, with a large wraparound porch. Two large windows framed either side of the door and were bleak in the gray washed darkness that saturated the night. The dull glow of our headlights revealed that the cabin was sided in cedar, large square planks that overlapped one another and shed the water in thick rivulets that appeared as black as oil. The roof was gleaming red metal, most likely a recent upgrade.

A figure darted out of the idling Toyota and up onto the porch, and a dim light snapped on in the front room, making the dreary cabin somewhat more inviting. It was followed by the porch light, which was nothing more than a bare bulb in a base that had long before lost its cover.

Not wanting or needing to delay the inevitable, I reached for the handle of the door. I fumbled slightly, but managed to get it open. I disentangled myself from the seatbelt and rose from my seat slowly, gripping the metal frame of the door in an effort to steady myself.

I took a deep breath and straightened, sucking sharply with a grimace as I felt the grating pull of my still-tender and newly knitted flesh and the cool slide of venom across my chest as one or more of the wounds reopened.

"Edward—" Bella began, but I shook my head.

"I'm…fine," I enunciated carefully. My voice was gritty and barely above a whisper, but was working properly, finally.

Bella slid to the edge of the bench seat, the heat of her body burning into mine. Her legs framed my hips and her feet rested on the edge of the open door. Her hands lightly gripped my waist, ready to tighten their hold should I stumble or fall.

Charlie darted around the front of the vehicle and gripped my right bicep, the damaged one, in a steadying hold. "You okay there, son?"

It was everything I could do not to collapse under my own weight, but I gritted my teeth and resisted the lethargic response of my limbs. I was going to walk into that cabin on my own.

"Just like before, Edward. One foot in front of the other."

I glanced at the cabin. Emily stood in the doorway, framed in the low light spilling from inside. I assumed that Sam was staying in the Toyota out of deference to Bella's wishes.

I shuffled forward by sheer force of will. Bella's hands never left my waist and Charlie would steady me whenever I listed to one side or the other, but he allowed me to proceed under my own power.

I sighed when we stepped into the sparsely furnished living room.

"Bathroom?" Bella questioned.

Emily motioned toward a dark room that appeared to be a bedroom. "Through the bedroom, straight ahead."

I glanced at where Emily had indicated. It seemed like a million miles away. I had never felt exhaustion like this in my existence.

Charlie knelt down in front of the fireplace. He quickly stacked the bleached driftwood and kindling and set it alight. When that task was complete, he muttered something about being back soon and disappeared out the door.

"Bella," Emily began.

Bella turned. "I appreciate you giving up your cabin for Edward and me, but…" She stopped speaking her eyes beseeching.

"Bella, I'm here to help you."

"Then, please, help us now by allowing me the privacy I need to care for my mate."

_Mate._ Bella's use of that word jolted through me, and I stared down at her. She watched me carefully, questioningly.

It was then that I realized that I had never before used that term with her to define our relationship. Though I used it often in my thoughts or conversations with my family, I had never explained to her what it meant for me, for her, or for our relationship. I had been too afraid before, afraid that if she knew the full measure of her power over me that it would be the end of her.

"Mate," I whispered, reaching out to gently caress her cheek.

She had always been the one that stepped out first. Bella had always been the one to take risks, the one who put her heart on the line. She had declared her love first, indicated her commitment to us, to forever, at a time when I couldn't conceive of the possibility. Always she gave me what I was afraid to want much less embrace.

Emily stepped outside just as Charlie came in with Bella's suitcase and the few clothes that I had tossed into the worn garbage bag. He set them adjacent to the open door and stood there for a moment watching us.

Emotions swirled in his dark eyes as they swept over Bella and me. Joy and anguish. Pride and hope. Hints of fear and sadness. He looked like a man who was giving up something infinitely precious to the village idiot. I supposed on some level he was.

Finally his mouth quirked to the side in a small smile.

"Dad?"

His fingers caressed the pale circle of silver that he wore on his left ring finger, lingering over the cool metal sadly. For a moment I could have sworn then that I saw a glimmer of tears in Charles Swan's eyes, but he blinked and it was gone.

Bella glanced at me and then back at her father. She frowned.

"Charlie?"

"Take your mate's hand, Isabella."

I held out my hand toward Bella, waiting for what seemed to be an eternity before I felt the tentative brush of her trembling fingers.

Charlie swallowed hard and then cleared his throat. "Edward Masen of the coven Cullen, I acknowledge your mating to Isabella, my daughter. May your bond be long lived…" He hesitated for the briefest of moments before adding, "And blessed."

Straightway, Charlie turned and left, pulling the door closed behind him. He stood silently on porch.

"Edward?" I heard him query hardly above a whisper.

"Yes sir?" I whispered below Bella's hearing.

"Make her happy." I opened my mouth to assure him that I would do my best, but he continued, "Or I'll kill you and make it look like the wolves did it."

Somehow, I didn't doubt his ability to carry out his threat.

.

.

.

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**A/N:** So, it seems that the way Edward remembers the meadow and the way Bella remembers it are completely different—and they are both blaming themselves for the events that happened there.

As always, thank you, Katmom, for beta'ing, and thank you all for reading. If you are so inclined, please leave a review and let me know what you thought. If you have any questions or need clarification on some aspect of the story, I'm happy to answer them.

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**Keypoints:**

-Harry is/was a wolf. Billy was as well. He lost his legs to cellular death caused by the advance of vampire venom. Charlie saved his life. Billy's imprint was killed by a passing nomad who had lost his mate to the wolves.

-Edward and Bella remember what happened in the meadow differently—and they are both blaming themselves for the events that happened there—hence the reason why Bella was apologizing and begging Edward to come home on the phone in chapter five.

-Bella can feel it when her blood calls to Edward, and she wants him to drink from her. The trembling and crying that Edward took as signs of her fear of him were actually signs of her blood singing to him and her need for him to drink of her.

-Sam is willing to offer Edward and Bella asylum among the Quileutes, like Emily wanted.

-Charlie was able to shut off the flow of thoughts into Edward's mind.

-Charlie formally acknowledged Edward and Bella's bond.


	9. Permanent

**Fate Leads the Willing**

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**Story synopsis: **_Edward has been lying to Bella about how her humanity affects him. The Cullens hatched a plan to change Bella behind Edward's back because the Volturi's agents - Eleazar and Carmen - are coming for a visit. Alice helps Edward rescue Bella because she is having flashes of her past and she believes that keeping Bella human is the key to her unlocking that mystery - and she has seen Bella being nigh uncontrollable in her bloodlust as a vampire, which will lead to both Bella's and Edward's death at the hands of the Volturi. Charlie, knowing what the Cullens are planning because he heard Bella talking about it in her sleep, hides his daughter in La Push. Charlie takes Edward to La Push, and Edward finds out that there is a whole lot more to Charlie and Bella than he knew. After finding out that Bella is immortal, Edward meets Bella's cousin, Emily whose scent is devastating in the same way Bella's is. Emily lectures Edward about his responsibilities to his mate - and tells him that he needs to drink Bella's blood. Sam shows up and is quite upset to find a vampire alone with his newly imprinted mate. Sam and Emily argue and Sam loses control. Edward intervenes and saves Emily's life, but this leads to massive injuries on his part due to Sam's claws. Edward is slowly healing and Bella gives him a bit of her blood which helps him to heal faster. Charlie negotiates with the wolves and an agreement is reached that allows Edward and Bella to hide in La Push. Charlie drives them to Emily's place and leaves Edward and Bella alone there after formally acknowledging their bond..._**  
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***Lemon warning...(it involves blood drinking)*  
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**Chapter Nine—Permanent**

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_._

_Is this the moment where I look you in the eye_

_Forgive my promise that you'll never see me cry…_

**~Permanent~ by David Cook**

**.**

"Bella…" My voice was raw and aching but steady.

Her gaze snapped up, wounded and dark, and she shuddered, her hand slipping from mine and wrapping around her midsection.

"Bella," I said again, not knowing what else to say. She was drawing away from me and the pain of the separation swept through me, overwhelming the residual pain of my injuries. I needed to make this right, explain. "We should talk—"

She shook her head fiercely, stepping back from me as if I had physically assaulted her.

I reached toward her, beseeching, whispering her name again. I had hurt her terribly. I knew that I had. There was so much between us to sort through, and we had to start somewhere.

"Don't," she replied quietly. Panic flared in her eyes. "Not yet."

"Bella…please."

She hurried away from me and into the bathroom. I followed her solemnly, dragging a steadying hand along the wall as I walked. Bella stood stiffly in the center of the room under the harsh glare of a bare incandescent bulb, her gaze focused on the roughhewn wood floors. She was trembling from head to toe. Water dripped slowly from her hair and clothing, splashing against the floor. I reached for the tall, open-shelved pine cabinet that contained several rolled up white towels and pulled one free.

I ran the towel over her hair in smooth strokes, squeezing out the excess water. My hand shook as I touched her, but I knew that it had nothing to do with my injuries and everything to do with Bella.

I shouldn't touch her. I had abandoned that right, just as I had abandoned her, but I couldn't stop. The need, the compulsion drove me to connect with her, to reestablish the connection between us.

I pushed Charlie's jacket from her shoulders and threw it into the corner.

"Edward…"

"You're soaked through," I murmured.

Bella took the towel from my hand and brushed a corner across my jaw and down my neck, wiping away the remnants of the rain and my venom. "So are you."

The bright white towel came away stained with patches of crimson and streaked with mud. She stared down at the macabre cloth in her hands as if hypnotized. A tremor raced through her body, causing her teeth to chatter, and she balled her hands into fists, crushing the towel in her white-knuckled grip.

"Love…"

She whimpered and suddenly dropped the towel. With shaking fingers she reached for my face. She ran them lightly over the smoothness of my jaw and down my tattered and scared throat, and I sucked in a sharp breath as her eyes filled with tears.

Desperately, her hands ripped at my shirt, tugging and pulling the damp material away from my skin.

"Bella…"

"N—n—need to see, need to—"

My once cream colored shirt hit the floor with a wet splat, and seconds later her fingers were tearing at my t-shirt, ripping the small threads that held it together apart. She swept it back from my shoulders, and I let it fall away.

A small cry fell from her lips and I could feel her trembling hands against me. Slowly, she traced the lines Sam's claws had permanently etched in the unyielding flesh of my neck and chest. My hand came up and covered hers.

"I'm fine, Bella."

She shook her head violently back and forth. "No. No. He could have killed you." Her face fell and fresh tears welled in her eyes. "He could have killed you."

I pulled her close, bracing my body and praying that I would continue to have the strength to hold us up. "Shhh, love, hush. I'm here. I'm going to be okay."

Bella wrapped her arms around my waist and clung tightly to me, burying her head in my chest. I returned her embrace, pulling her as close as I possibly could.

Another tremor raced through her body, stronger than the last, and she choked, blinking tears back rapidly. "I don't know what's wrong with me." She hugged me tighter, clenching her jaw to stop the chattering of her teeth. "I can't…I-I—"

I pressed my lips against her temple, speaking to her unintelligibly and humming bits of music to her.

She continued to shake against me, heartbreaking sobs falling from her lips and tears tracing down her pale cheeks. She was falling apart.

I had seen the break coming in the truck on the way over here. The way that she had clung to me, the tremors that had raced under her skin… Bella had managed to hold herself together just long enough to get here. I should have expected it after everything she had been through, and then to see me like that on top of everything else…

I wished that I could make everything right again, that I could take away her pain and return to her the normalcy that had been ripped away from her so cruelly.

"It's okay, love. It's okay."

She shook her head against my shoulder. "It's too much."

"I know."

"I don't know who I am anymore," she whispered.

I took her face in my hands, cupping her cheeks and pulling back so she could see my eyes. "You're my Bella, that's who you are. It's who you've always been and who you'll always be." Tears clung to her eyelashes, sparkling in the unfiltered overhead light. "And I'm your Edward, your mate, as I will ever be. I'm sorry I gave you cause to doubt that."

Her bottom lip trembled and she pulled it between her teeth. The pain and confusion in her dark gaze sliced through me, a stark reminder of my part in her heartache.

I had done this to her. I had destroyed her in this way with my stubbornness.

I leaned in and rested my forehead against hers, my eyes falling closed. "I fucked up."

"Edward…"

"I was afraid. Afraid that you would leave me. Afraid that you would stay. Afraid that I would destroy you. So afraid that being with me would make you a monster, too."

"But, I am monster, Edward. I know it, I feel it deep inside."

"You're not…"

A single tear fell from her right eye and slowly flowed down her cheek. In a way, it was more painful and poignant than the flood of tears that had preceded it.

"Yes, I am." Her voice was quiet, broken. "I was made to destroy you. That is the very definition of a monster." She squeezed her eyes shut. "I'm sorry for what I am."

"Don't ever apologize for that."

"But I could have—"

"You didn't. You controlled it, you changed it. Your love changed it." She started to speak, but I placed my fingers against her lips, stilling her words. "You saved me. You're always saving me." My voice was harsh and desperate. She had to understand. I had to make her see…

"You saved me as well."

"How, Bella? How have I saved you? I have endangered you at every turn. I nearly destroyed you that first day!"

"No you didn't. You controlled yourself. You have _always_ controlled yourself. And just as my love for you changed my nature, your love for me did the same!"

Pain rose up within me, clawing its way from my heart and clogging my throat with an aching emotion that I couldn't express. She believed in me more than I deserved. Even now. She had changed me, of course she had, but _it_ wasn't enough. _I _wasn't enough, and I never would be. "Indeed I do love you, but I can't express it properly, and it kills me inside. I can't love you as a vampire and I don't know how to love you as a man. I've run from you, deceived you, lied…I lied to you…repeatedly! I don't even know how to _begin_ to be the man that you need!"

"I don't need a man, Edward. I never did. I just need you," she whispered.

"You don't know who I really am. I've never let you know me. I'm sorry. So sorry."

She touched my lips. "Shhh . . ." Her fingers traced down my throat and across my chest finally coming to rest over my heart. "I know who you are. I know whom I love. No matter how you tried to keep him hidden, he was there, and I know him."

"What do I do? How do I make us right again?" I covered her hand, which was resting against my chest, with my own. "Teach me how to love you. Please, because I want to."

She didn't speak; she just stepped into my arms again and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her and held her as tightly as I dared. I was broken before her, shattered. Beyond her I had no direction, and without her I was lost.

I rested my head in the crook of her neck and just breathed her in. The scent of torment, the scent of peace. Her fingers moved soothingly through my hair.

"Surrender, baby," she whispered in my ear. "Just surrender to the bond…to me."

"I'm afraid."

"So am I, but I believe in you. In us."

I shuddered and pulled her closer. It was just another example of her brave heart and enduring spirit. Here she was, once again stepping out before me to shine light in my darkness.

She pulled back and looked me in the eye. "I trust you. With my heart, my life. Everything."

"You should hate me."

She shook her head in denial of my words. "I would rather love you."

"Be mad at me."

"I'm angrier with myself."

"Order me away."

"No."

"Punish me."

"I can't."

"Bella," I breathed, "please."

"I can't," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. She took my hand in hers and pressed it to her chest, just over her heart. "I forgive you."

"I don't deserve your forgiveness." I looked away, bitterness rising up in me.

"Hey," she said, turning my face toward hers. "Forgiveness isn't earned; it's a gift."

And once again she was asking for my surrender. Emily's words came back to me. _Fate doesn't offer a choice. It only demands submission . . . _

Is that what the moment required? Was it as simple as Bella had told me? Did I just have to surrender? Accept what she offered?

"I want to be worthy of you, Bella."

"You always have been."

Bella reached up toward my cheek, her hand trembling, her fingers hesitating over my tingling skin. I waited, longing for her touch, when I recognized it was that damnable, unnecessary caution that I had instilled in her that was holding her back.

I held her gaze as I lifted my hand and engulfed hers, pressing her palm against my cheek. She sighed as we connected in this most physical of ways, skin on skin, her heat overwhelming my ice.

"You belong to me, Edward, and I to you.

Her words sank down into the core of my being. How does one earn what is freely given? And I had tried desperately, because my pride would not allow me to do otherwise. I had been so unfair to her, yet here she was still loving and forgiving me.

Had I, in my prideful attempts to somehow earn her regard, almost destroyed her?

Her love was an enigma, a mystery that I couldn't comprehend. Not until this moment.

I couldn't earn Bella's love because I already had it. There was nothing I could do that would make her stop loving me. It was the same way I loved her.

_Tell me, Edward. What do you know of Fate…?_ Emily's words rang through my mind, and as stared down at Bella, Fate suddenly didn't seem such a terrible thing.

Inevitability.

_No matter how hard you fight or how deeply that struggle leaves you broken, every piece of you will eventually end up on that shore…_

This…here with Bella, this is where I was supposed to be. Where I would always be. Bella was my center. The cornerstone of my existence.

I was such an imbecile.

She reached up and brushed her fingers across my jaw. "I will always love you. I'll never stop, Edward. This…between us…" Her voice dropped, barely above a whisper. "It's forever."

Forever… it was no longer an empty promise. She was mine forever, just as I was hers. I brushed a stray lock of hair back from her face. Bella was a gift, incalculably precious, and she always had been.

I smiled at her. It was probably the first truly genuine smile I had given her in months. She sucked in a sharp breath.

"Baby?"

My thumb brushed across her bottom lip and then over her cheek. "I'm going to kiss you now." I leaned in and paused, hovering just short of her mouth. "Is that all right?"

"Yes," she breathed, leaning up so our lips met.

Her lips molded to mine and she sighed softly. I angled my head, pulling her close into my body and giving her the intimacies that I had so long denied us both. My fingers twined into the wet strands of her hair, and I cradled her head in my hands, for once not afraid that I would hurt her.

_Oh God…complete. _I felt truly complete. The hole in my heart closed. She did this. She always did this. With her generous heart, her touch, her life. Every doubt fled my mind. This was right. _We_ were right.

For all of the kisses we had shared, this was the first; this was the most important, the most genuine—the most honest. There was still so much between us, but perhaps this was the first step to healing, the first step to setting things right…to submission.

A tear streaked from Bella's eye and wet my cheek. The warmth of it sliced through me, seeping into my pores. Certainty rose up in me. This wasn't a manifestation of her grief but rather her relief. I knew that she felt it, too. The completeness, the rightness. She slipped her hands around my neck and buried her hands in my hair. I groaned as she tugged at it, pulling me closer, pressing her body into mine. There was no hesitation on her part, but then there never had been. That was always me. Always me that held back from her, denied her, limited her—and us.

I took small nips at her lips, following each playful peck with the brush of my tongue against her bottom lip. She gasped and I pressed forward, kissing her in a way in which I had only dreamed.

Hesitantly our tongues brushed, finding the ways in which we best pleased one another. I moaned as I learned her taste in this most intimate of ways.

I pulled back so she could breathe, but she protested, her hands pulling at my hair. Our lips met again, this time neither one of us reluctant. Her mouth opened beneath mine and I mirrored her actions.

I moaned her name and she shivered against me; the tremulous sensation echoed throughout my body. I pulled back to look at her, surprised at the pale blue tint to her lips and the goose bumps raised on her arms.

I stepped back, releasing her with a heavy sigh. "You're freezing." I eyed her damp hair and wet clothes with a frown.

Bella glanced behind her, obviously making note of the small cubicle behind her. "Shower with me."

Her words slammed through the center of my control, obliterating my tenuous hold on sanity and reason. I shook my head slowly back and forth, but I didn't know if I was denying her invitation or trying to clear my suddenly clouded mind.

"I need to warm up and you need to feed, and this…well, this should make it easier. The water will lessen the scent of the blood."

My eyes fell closed. She had to know what would happen if we did this. The mixture of her blood and her body laid bare before me…

We couldn't do this. We weren't ready. She had forgiven me, but I still needed to make amends...

She turned the shower on, adjusting the temperature.

"Bella…this isn't…that is…we shouldn't—"

Her eyes narrowed. "You are my mate. As I understand it, there isn't anything we could do that would be wrong."

I shook my head slowly. "I don't know if I can—"

Bella reached up and touched my face. Her touch, so warm and electric, sparked against my skin, and the energy that so often pulsed between us leaped to life. "Let me do this for you, Edward."

"Bella," my voice was mournful, "I c-can hunt." There was abundant wildlife here. I wasn't ready. Not yet.

"Emily said—"

"I'll hurt you."

"You won't.

I traced my fingers over her collarbone and stroked down her arm. She trembled under my touch.

"I don't know if I can control myself, Bella. Not when we're like this. Alone."

I watched as her pulse leaped and thudded heavily at the base of her throat, under the scar I had left there so recently. Something in me demanded that I erase that mark, that I replace it.

"There are some lusts that cannot be separated… Not when with one's mate."

"Don't separate them then," she whispered, her dark gaze holding my own.

The burn rose in my throat then, the same yet somehow different. It was mellower, controlled. Perhaps it was the knowledge that she would forever be mine that kept the monster at bay. Perhaps it was simply another manifestation of the bond that I had so stubbornly resisted.

"Bella, I—I—"

She laid her fingers against my lips. "I know, Edward. I know where it will lead and I'm ready."

"Not here. Not like this."

She glanced down, not saying anything for a moment. She brushed her fingers against my abdomen and fingered the waistband of my jeans, and I fought to keep from drawing in a sharp breath. The feeling of her fingers…_there_...

_Could we…? Could I take what she was so willingly offering me? Could I—?_

She glanced up at me, her eyes dark with a knowledge and certainty that I had never felt, and my breath froze in my throat, every thought in my mind arrested. "I need this. I need you."

"Bell—"

"Take my blood, Edward. Take my body. Make love to me."

My breath rushed out of me, leaving me aching and wanting body and soul. She'd asked…fuck me, she asked. Every reason we shouldn't do this fled, taking reason and sanity and resistance with it.

The very essence of her being seduced me. Her scent—the taste of it on my tongue and filling my senses. The rapid pounding of her eternal heart—thrumming steadily in my ears, my guide, my light. The swell of her veins—her pulse throbbing under her skin, seducing and calling me to bite and claim and consume.

Carlisle's words mocked me. _One day, and most likely one day soon, she will ask and you will give her what she desires. You won't be able to resist her._

And so long I had resisted. So long I had craved.

_Ours,_ the monster within me cried.

No. Not _ours._

She was mine_._

_Mine._ My mate.

The closure of my jeans popped under her questing fingers and I growled. "I want this," she whispered, never breaking our stare. "Surrender, baby."

Her t-shirt fluttered to the floor in scraps before I made a conscious decision to move. She gasped as I pulled her flush against my body. Her hands fell to my waist once again and pushed at my jeans, thrusting the wet and clinging material downward.

I snarled, tearing at the resistant denim until it fell away from my body.

"Mine, too," she gasped.

I knew what she wanted and her jeans quickly followed the same fate as my own.

I ripped her bra away as I backed her into the shower. The hot spray pounded over us, sluicing down our bodies, washing away the night and the pain and the suffering and leaving us new—reborn.

We came together, a clash of lips and hands, stroking, caressing, melting into one another. As her hands smoothed over me, it felt as if my silent heart fluttered deep within me. I wanted to slow down; I wanted this to be different, special, but we were caught in a riptide of passion. A passion that had been too long denied.

The heat of her body consumed me, swallowed me whole, warming my being, bringing me to life. It was wrong and it was perfect.

I groaned at the pleasure and pain of it as I sank into her body. Heat and wet and constriction and then ease. _Jesus_…

"Sorry…sorry…"

Bella's hands were in my hair and her legs were wrapped around my hips. She was whispering to me, but her words were nonsensical.

Every nerve in my body felt like a lit fuse. Energy pulsed between us, pulling me deeper and forcing me away. I was helpless against the sway of my body, my instincts.

The tile squealed beneath my fingers as I moved more forcefully against her. My lips were moving, whispering, chanting…a prayer, her name, my need…

I was losing myself.

No.

No.

Not yet.

But I couldn't stop it. The energy rushed inward from my extremities and coalesced in the center of my body, tightening unbearably. I growled again, barely registering the sharp crack of the porcelain as it rained down around us to the floor of the shower.

Pleasure speared through me, out of me, overwhelming, pulsing, relief, and yet…

I groaned but it quickly turned into a snarl. More…I needed more.

I had seen this in my brothers' minds many times. This need to continue, to move beyond climax to ejaculation, but it was impossible for us. That part of our biological response was dead, but the drive was still there.

I shuddered against her, trying and failing to resist the urge to renew my thrusts.

I had to stop…had to stop…

The intensity was building. The instinct to abandon the last shred of control and take her until I could assuage this need that was driving me. Hours, days, months would not be enough.

"Stop me, stop me…" I begged against her skin.

Venom burned my eyes but didn't fall. I hated this body that couldn't weep, that couldn't live, that couldn't be a man.

"Bella…"

She yanked my hair, pulling my face into her neck. Her scent broke through the haze of lust, replacing it with a stronger need. It was the only thing that could stop me. The only thing that was more pleasurable than being buried deeply within her.

Blood.

Bella's blood.

Her veins swelled under the press of my teeth. The taste of her skin rocketed through me, drawing me in deeper. She whimpered, moving her body against me in a desperate sensuality.

"Please…I need…"

I traced the line of scarring on her neck with my tongue and she hissed, her head falling back and to the side. Her fingers twisted in the damp strands of my hair and she pulled me closer still. The sound of her pulse pounded and reverberated through my ears. The air around us was thick with steam and the scent of adrenaline. Her cries of need reverberated throughout the shower, but I understood what it meant now. She wanted this. She needed this.

My name fell from her lips in a broken cry as my teeth trespassed the fragile layer of her skin. The ambrosial savor of her blood exploded upon my tongue and poured down my throat. Thick and sweet and everything I knew it to be.

I growled deeply as a spike of sheer energy flood through my center, quickening my body in ways that I had never experienced. A tremor raced across my flesh followed by a tide of fire that swept from my never-warm fingertips to my toes, and waves of electric sensation pulsed between her body and my own.

Never had I drunk of her so deeply. Never had I felt so alive yet so weak. My legs gave way beneath me and we fell, our bodies tangled, to the floor of the shower. My head cracked against the tile, obliterating it, as I landed half propped against the wall.

With a sharp hiss, Bella crawled up my body, her eyes narrowed and completely focused on my mouth. With the tip of her finger she gathered the trickle of her blood that stained my chin and held it up to my lips. Her eyes darkened as I opened my mouth and slowly licked her essence from her finger. She moaned and leaned forward, pressing a kiss against my lips.

She shifted over me, pressing down, her body encapsulating mine again.

My head fell back into the void of broken tile and obliterated wallboard, and I growled out long and low. I would never grow tired of this. Of her. Of the sensation of being within her.

Bella arched back as her body fully accepted mine. I brought my head up and just watched her fascinated as she moved sensuously on top of me. I had seen this in the minds of thousands of human men, the wonder, the beauty of a woman powerful…dominant…

But this…

Her…

She hypnotized me. Captured me utterly.

I was hers.

We were hers.

How could I have ever thought her a mere human? She was mesmerizing. She was a goddess. My goddess. My mate.

My. Mate.

She let her head fall back as she sank down again, elongating her torso and jutting her breasts forward. A thin, watery stream of blood trailed over her skin, running over the inner curve of one high breast and down toward her navel.

I sat up, running my tongue along that crimson line from her breast to her neck. Bella whimpered, tilting her head to the side. Her fingers twisted in my hair, seeking purchase in the slick strands, as she thrust her neck up into the sharp press of my teeth.

"Yes," she whispered.

As I latched on to the wound again, her whole body clenched. She ground down upon me, rocking her trembling body against mine as I drank from her until she too reached her fulfillment.

.

.

.

* * *

A/N: Massive author apologies here. Sorry for the long wait on this update. What happened is that I wrote myself into a corner. I set up a scenario (sex mixed with blood) that I was frankly uncomfortable writing. It's a bit on the kink side of things, which is not an area I'm comfortable with - at all. This sort of thing happens on occasion when writing an WIP. I just didn't think ahead enough. What seemed like a cool detail several chapters back, ended up being UGH when it came time to deliver. LOL Take note, you who are writing WIPs out there! :) Anyway, the delay was totally my fault while I put my big girl panties on and took the story in the direction it needed to go. You know, I would have liked to have these two talk a bit more before taking this big step, but I'll work on that for next chapter. This just seemed like the place to finish it.

Thank you for your patience and sticking with me. I appreciate it more than you could know!

Many thanks to Katmom for her encouragement on this chapter and for her quick beta. Thank you to MostlyALurker who offered some wonderful advice on that sex scene above when we were WC'ing. And thanks to IrritableGrizzzly who gave me a well needed bitch-slap and said that blood drinking in a sex scene involving a vampire isn't kink - it's normal! LOL :) Thanks, ladies!

Note: If you're PMs are turned off, I cannot reply to your review. Everyone else, I'm in the process of replying to your reviews now. :)

~Thanks again for reading, and if you are so inclined, leave a review! :)


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